Saturday, May 31, 2008


the lunatic driver who was driving and speeding the vehicle that plunged my brother-in-law into a horrific death just learned about the lost and grief that his carelessness and stupidity caused to a pregnant wife, a seven year old daughter and a two year old son.

how ironic is that?

I wish, how i wish it was him.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

tagged by christine & mel-mel

The Golden Rules:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.
4. With the answers, give your own comments on how they relate to the questions.
5. Tag 5 people.

1. How are you feeling today?
On The Moon
not really, but had been happier the last 3 days.
2. If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
I can't stop this feeling-ost ally mcbeal
yah,u cant control how u feel.

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Chariot-Gavin Degraw

4. Will you get far in life?
Turn me on-Kevin Lyttle
probably, coz once i get started, nobody can stop me.

5. What do you think about very often?
Satisfaction-Benny Benassi
cough! of various kinds and sources, cough!

6. What is 2 + 2?
Unsaid-The Fray
my math sucks

7. What's your best friend's theme song?
Ice Ice Baby Hardcore Remix?
hmmm, i wonder.

8. What is the story of your life?
Look After You -The Fray
look after my loved ones.

9. What is/was your high school like?
So lonely was the ballad- Jamie T

10. What is your motto?
Turpentine-brandi carlile

11. What’s the best thing about your friends?
shadow on the wall-brandi carlile
come again?

12. What do you think of the person you like?
The very thought of you
Yes, the very thought of you can do magic to me.

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
I write sins not tragedies-Panic at the disco
hopefully not both.

14. What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Good enough-Evanescence
r v ever gud enuf?

15. Describe your grandparents.
Latest Mistakes-Mandy Moore
we're probably the biggest mistakes of each other's lives.

16. How's your life going?
Knock'em out- lili allen
its the other way around.

17. What is your biggest fear?
Far Away
Bein far away from the ppl n things i love.

18. What will be played at your funeral?
To Build a Home-The cinematic orchestra
becoz i'll probably spend my entire life at it.

19. What is your hobby/interest?
Foolish Games- Jewel
But i'm not da playin games kinda person!...

20. Will you have a happy life?
Inside and Out
Wow, i hope so!

21. What do your friends really think of you?
All Star- Smash mouth
Really?! blush~_~...

22. Do people secretly lust after you?
How can i not love you-Joy enrique
Really?! blush again =P

23. How can you make yourself happy?
Sempurna-Gita Gutawa
wat can i say, anyone wud be if everything's perfect.

24. Will you ever have children?
Smack That- Akon
wud love to.

25. What song would you strip to?
I try-Macy gray
probably becoz i'm not tat gud of a stripper. m more of a get'em all off and juz hit it kinda joe.

26. What does your mom think of you?
Could have been watching you-Mandy Moore
Huh!? dun la....

27. What do you think of your parents?
Universe and You-KT Tunstall
Their my universe.

28. What is your deep, dark secret?
That Home-Cinematic orchestra
sum secrets r better left unspoken.

29. What is your enemy's theme song?
Rootless Tree-Damien Rice
Probably becoz of the lyrics: '
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around'

30. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Cry- Mandy Moore
For real?

TAG :whoever haven't been tagged yet.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

sleep, don't weep....

am so tired of crying, but tears doesn't seem to be drying out on their own. if crying is healing, than i should be healed. if so, then why am i still hurting so much?.....

"They are not of the world, just as i am not of the world."

Things has been scattering ........... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . here.......... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and.............. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . there....... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lately.
i am getting a smattering of this here, and a smattering of that there. am not really finding the true meaning of life or anything, but at least i have something to make me crawl out of the bed in the morning(or afternoon). life's still as screwed up as it was, but i am determined to get some changes done. still, sometimes, when ur all smile and hyped up, and u've finally found the courage to get up and make a run for it. You stumble. yes, you fall and land flat on your face. that is how the reality i know works. and to be frank, i don't like it.

now the question is, what can i do about it? let me rephrase that: is there anything i can do about it? i've been thinking hard, really really hard. and still the conclusion is still the same, i can't do anything, there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. i can't foresee the unexpected, and neither can i interfere with the course of time. i can't change people's mind, and i can't make myself to be what i'm not.

so where does that leave me? lying on the wooden floor of my room, staring straight into the ceiling while my yellow curtains dance along the movements of the wind. sometimes it veils the steady white infront of me, forbidding me from seeing something that is certain. but instead, conveying the uncertainty that awaits all of us of this world. circling my
thoughts with all the possibilities that comes along with the uncertainty.

but will these possibilities lead us to happiness, lead me to happiness?

there is nothing worst, than a dying heart.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I was forced to grow up overnight.

sadness is a very bad feeling. it drains u both physically and mentally. its been a week since he left us, but the impact is still as strong as then. my heart aches everytime i think of how sad my sister must be feeling inside. if i'm feeling the way i m, then it must be zillion times worst for her. i called her up yesterday, n her trembling voice breaks my heart, over and over again. she said she just got back from teaching tuition(she had too as the parents and school are pressuring her to), n she jus arrived home after a 40 minutes drive. but she's still sittin in da car, too tired to get down and climb da long staircase to our house as her baby has been feelin bit stiff inside. i can tell frm her voice that she'd been crying again. although she tells me that everythings ok, but i know for sure that everythings' not ok.

how can things be okay after sumthing like this happened. i know how much they loved each other. i witnessed how they started from love at first sight until they became the most loving couple i've ever known. and brother Liang takes very good care of her. he loved her like she was never loved before. my heart shattered when i saw her condition for the first time after da inciddent. i arrived home at 6am after da long journey back, put down my luggage down n rushed to her room. there she was, lying on the bed, eyes wide awake. she looked at me, but i can tell from her stare that a part of her is no longer there. tears started to stream down her pale cheeks as i sat on the floor beside her and held her cold hands in mine. she broke down n cried, her body trembling and her voice coarse. i can only imagine how much its killing her inside, and i know that she's been holding everything in all this time. while she cried she kept calling his name, and she blames herself for all that had happened. she told me her plans with him, how they are going to move into their new house the week after, how she's been planning to celebrate their 8th anniversary early next month, how he had been so loving and caring towards her throughout the 8 years, how he's anticipating the baby but will never get to see her, and how she's been telling herself that he's ok and will get up and come back to her and the children. . . . and all this, just breaks me over and over and over.

my niece was just lying there, beside her mommy, quietly. tears were quietly slidding down her cheeks too. but she didn't cried. instead, she was patting her mother's shoulder while listening to every words she said. but when i finally manage to get my sister to go up to wash herself before we head to the buddhist center, my niece crawled onto my laps and cried. she cried and shivered, while calling out to her daddy. there's nothing in the world that i wouldn't do to undo everything and make all their pain go away. but i'm helpless as there's nothing i can do. there's really nothing i can do. God was merciless and befall upon them the harshest and cruelest punishment that they've done nothing to deserve.

when i saw my brother Liang, i can't believe that that is him lying in there. i can barely recognise him. i was telling myself that, any minute now, he's going to wake up and get back up on his feet like nothing had happened, and everything's gonna be alright again. but he never did. it wasn't until i held his son's hand and scattered a handful of fresh soil onto his coffin that i realised that i'll never get to see him again. my loving, sweet, and quiet brother. . . .

i was forced to grow up overnight.

Friday, May 16, 2008

When Angels Cry....

My dear Lee Ann,

Don’t hold back

Let your tears flood your untainted cheeks

And rinse away the sadness that veils your eyes

The sorrow that confines

The smile of a seven year old

And the lost that is too great

For a little girl to bear

You lie beside your mommy

As she melts into tears

Calling your daddy over and over again

All that you can do is hold her hand

And tell her not to cry

While I can see that

You are shattering inside out

When no one is around

You run into my lap and hold me tight

Tears streaming, that tiny frame shakes

Deluged by the grieve that may never go away

I put my arms around you and hold you close

I know my little girl needs to cry

Cry, and cry….

I can’t promise that I’ll bring your daddy back

I can’t promise you that this pain will stop

But I know that it will eventually go away

And everything will be all right

Because you’ll always have us

You’ll always have me

So lean on us Lee Ann

And we’ll make everything okay again.

My dear Jay Sern,

I know that in that little mind of yours

A map had been drawn out

Each direction leading to the people around you

Each direction leads you to love and joy

But to lose one, to lose a significant one

Still leaves an eternal scar on you

As you watch as your daddy lies peacefully

Thinking that he’s asleep

And to see the bed he lies in

Being lowered into the ground

As I hold your hand

And scatter a handful of dust onto daddy

Your eyes wide, seeking for answers

Still the truth is too cruel

To be told to my little boy

Who still runs to the door, yelling out daddy

Whenever the doorbell rings

Who only had two of 365 days with daddy

And the rest without his love and care

Who still plays around with daddy’s phone

While having an imaginary conversation with daddy

All we can do is watch and listen helplessly

As we can never apologize enough

For not being able to protect you from all of this

But we promise that we will be your family

We will be your daddies

And make sure that you have what everyone else have

Including the memory of a dad.

My dear baby,

You’re still safely inside your mommy’s womb

Unaware of all the sorrows in the world

Untainted by all the cruelty that awaits

In another 3 months

You will get to see this world

You may never get to hear your daddy’s voice

Or lie asleep warmly in his arms

The way he cradled your brother and sister

But fear not, worry not

There are still many arms opened

Waiting to hold and protect you

When you finally open your eyes.

My dear Jie-Jie,

I am still useless as a brother

That I can’t turn back time and bring him back

That I can’t cure the guilt you have inside for letting him go

That I can’t be by your side every day

And stop this pain from consuming you

But this I can do,

I can wipe your tears and hold your hand

I can remind you to be strong every now and then

I can be there for the four of you whenever you need me

And I can be

Your little brother who loves you the most.

It is not your fault that he followed them

It is not your fault that he went with Him

I know that you still lie awake in bed

Thinking, crying, missing and loving him

I know that you miss the eight years you’ve had with him

I know that you can’t imagine a life without him

I can see the fear in your fatigued eyes

While you gently touch the life he left behind

And it breaks my heart,

Over and over again

He’s still here Jie,

He will always be here

And worry not cause he will wait for you

For you to finish your journey here

And find your love once again.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Trust This Love

(Shiau-chin 'Si-fu', this is for you....)

The day breaks
The sun shines
Powdered cheeks caress by the soft breeze
As you put on the most important dress in your life
'This is your day!'
Words whispering around you
As a tear glisten in your eye
But no longer will there be
Any hint of obscurity
Because this is the day
You will belong.

The Footsteps steadfast
The people part
All eyes on no one but you
All thoughts wishing you nothing but joy
As you amble towards him
Your pace gentle yet assured
His smile overflow you with comfort
As you grasp the equally beautiful bouquet
And your lips curved for the spectators
But your heart forever will only smile
For this love of your life.

The music melodic
The Cheer euphonic
But you hear nothing but your heartbeat
As it melds with another
And becomes the single beat of one soul
You lift up your head and blush
As He lift up your veil and stares deep into
Those eyes that promises forever
As "I do." sign-seals this love
And dawns the journey
Of your happily ever after.

(May all the love in the world be with you two, today, tomorrow, and all the other days in your life. Have a blissful marriage.)