Today should be one of the biggest day of my life. but to be honest, i'm not excited about it. i wanted to pretend to intentionally over sleep, so i can just sleep over it. but due to occupational habits, i automatically woke up when the clock struck eight.
a few weeks ago, when others asked me whether i'm attending my own convocation, i could honestly say that i wasn't sure. i wasn't sure that i could stand there in my robe, watching others being surrounded by their friends and family. i am not sure i can still smile for the camera seeing others being showered by flowers and gifts. i am no that sure i can stop myself from falling back into that pit of darkness that i've been trying so hard to crawl out of, watching others having ALL their loved ones by their side to celebrate the 4 years that they've spent here.
So i decided not to go. but i foolishly let my friend convinced me to do otherwise. i was persuaded to go, saying that i should not miss this once in a lifetime opportunity. by saying that they will be there as my family cheering for me in the hall when i take the long walk on stage. only at that time, i realized how much i was longing to have my family here, all of them.
when i enrolled into this university, i had my mom, sister, brother liang, lee ann, my uncle... all sending me thousand of miles, carrying all my luggage, right into my dorm room. but now that i'm leaving this place, i have no one. infact, it makes me so sad that i've lost some of the people that i love during the time i've spent here, and they don't get to see me, trying to make to make them proud on this day.
i still remember what brother liang said on my first day of uni. we were late for registeration because he had diarrhea due to food poisoning the night before. "we will come again in a convoy after another four years. " i knew that he was just joking, but somehow that gave me the strenght to hold on for the past four years. knowing that this will be over in four years and i will be celebrated like a hero by them for surviving it.
but now, ever since last night, i've been feeling very reluctant to be there for this day. i did not have any hope or expectation for this day at first. but then what my friends said had got me started building up hopes. i was hoping that there will be people there with me, around me if not surrounding me. so i went through all the rigamaroles of applying for my annual leave, taking unpaid leave just to line up outside the hall and waited for hours to pay a ridiculously high rent for the graduation robe. but now, besides chek, all i'll have is just being surrounded by strangers having their own celebrations, and i am truly not a part of them.
what are friends? (if i am allowed to ask this question again) are they just people who say that they are? or are like the ones i saw in the sex and the city movie last nite, supporting u for whoever you are and whatever you do. now i can honest ly say that i don't know. but this is what i wished they were: i wish they would not talk about u behind you and spread lies about every situation. i wish they would put away their own discomfortness and make sure that they are there for one of the biggest day in your life, when u really need them to be, coz for once they should realize that it might be about you too and not always about themselves. i wish that they can stand up for you and defend you when u are sad and upset, since they should be the ones who know you better. i wish that they would forgive and forget all the small bickering and misunderstanding that might happened due to my own inability to communicate feelings and thoughts when i'm going through emotional turmoils. and i wished that they would keep their promise and be there(or at least try to) for you when you need them the most, no matter what.
reality checks in, i have nobody.
