Monday, November 14, 2011

For you

Happy birthday
To the only person in my heart
To the only heartbeat that synchronizes with mine

Happy birthday

To my only you

I don't give a shit
if you age prematurely

All your teeth fall off

and you butt sags like two oversized dried-prunes

Because I will remember you

as the first time I set eyes on you

Life might be a PMS-ing bitch most of the time

and people might not be happy about who we are

Material indulgence is still very far out of our reach

Fuck, we can't even toilet train our dog!

But comfort we shall find

knowing that we have each other to complain to
and release frustration on.

And if one day you do inherit Alzheimer or any other crap
and my beautiful flawless face no longer rings a bell
in that soon to be empty brain of yours

Rest assured, I will patiently remind you of it everyday

No, not by hanging tonnes of my self portrait in your room at the nursing home

But to hold on to your hand, tightly

Looking into your vacant eyes,
and tell you again and again how much I mean to you
As we walk through each and every of our remaining years....

Happy birthday

My bestfriend

My soulmate
My love.
I love you.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

My Will...

Take her
To a house filled with memories
A room filled with pillows
And a corner where he sits awaiting

Find him
To remind him not forget to wait
Tell him that time may change
But her love still remains

Take me
To a house filled with puppies
A room filled with books
And a corner that is not empty

Leave them
To realise what it's like to be alone
Tell them the suffering of others
But remind them to never lose hope

Friday, September 16, 2011


I saw a woman walking
Without legs
Mam, are you aware that you're no longer here?
What do you mean no longer here?

Are you aware that you're dead?
I have been, for a very long time
Then why are you still sad?
I'm crying for the people I've left behind
I've died only once,
but they, they die thousands of time
each and every time they think of me....

Sunday, July 10, 2011

My Blanket

The afternoon sun hangs low

Right outside the grills

I let the curtains dangle and shutter collapses

But still it sneaks through the gaps of my shield

I pull the cold blanket over my lonesome flesh

Hoping to warm a heart that is shivering like an autumn leaf

Hoping to build a sanctuary of warmth and hope

But all I feel is more sadness and cold

All I own, is nothing but

A piece of lonely blanket

That shall no longer warm

Even the easiest of hearts.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

for my sister, a poem to accompany you through the years to come....

Still, breath lingers

Hair carved onto my bare shoulders

Words anticipating their release by my tinted lips

Emotions yearns to dance along the velvety smoothness of your skin

My love, never was it my intention

To make you wait another thousand years.

Still, I stand cold

Nibbling on every words you’ve said

As like promises written on sand they too gets washed

By cresting waves of life and everchanging tides of nature

My love, my heart is weeping as I pray

Would you please wait another thousand years?

Still, wavering in the wind

Lonely shall accompany me through

Another century of broken leaves and melting snow

As the rusty moon gently mouth beside my stone cold ears

My love, there’s no any other way of living

If not by your side

Even if it takes many eternities, just to hold your hands again.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

at peace

After much contemplation and uncertainties, finally I grew a brand new pair of balls and made the move that I’ve always knew I’d have to make, be it sooner or later, one way or another, for better or for worse.

It’s funny how the entire sequence of events took place. Everything was arranged in such a way that one would definitely bring about to the other, and everything just happened without any plans or expectations. It was as if leaving a jigsaw puzzle that was about to be completed, but a few missing pieces here and there, then suddenly turn around finding the missing pieces idly sitting in their places, and suddenly the entire puzzle is complete and makes sense….

Well, amongst all the doubt and possibilities, the only thing I’m sure of is that, I will make it through the other end, no matter what it takes. This is me, telling myself to suck it up and move on…. Move you dickhead!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

The end?

I've been raised to not bother to give excuse or explanation, unless asked for.
all this while ive been a firm believer that 'It's okay to be misunderstood at the moment, the truth would eventually come out, and you'll be cleared of all the fake accusations that others throw at you at their wimp and fancy.'
I'm also a strong believer of karma. what goes around comes around, so do no harm to others.

But today, my faith was shaken.

for months, i've been going in to the same office that i've been occupying for the last few years. convincing myself that this is where i belong. the things i'm doing are the right things to do, being an educator, even though so underpaid and underappreciated by the management, is still a noble job, and is the best way for me to reach out and help.

and all these while, getting the kind feedbacks from the students whose i thought lives i've touch(one way or another), whose future success i somehow played apart in. the students who comes again and again to visit and pay appreciation to us with kind tokens and words of encouragements. all these kept me going, waking up day by day and drag myself to this dead end job.

even though for the past few months ive been treated unfairly.... no actually its been more than a year. But i didnt mind having heavier workload, coz i look at it as a challenge and learning opportunity, i look at it as a way of respecting a senior co-worker whom i used to look up to as even a motherly figure. so when she again and again put me down infront of the management, or again and again took the credits that i deserved... i kept quiet. as my faith was still firmly attached.
"it doesn't matter whether Jenny or Mr Lee, or even Ms Chan acknowledge whatever it is that you have done.... as long as the students gain from it and appreciate it. as long as they see the heart you put in to do whatever you can for them.'

I've never been a person who is good at sugar-coating, or saying kind encouraging words when what i see is the need to push and give wake-up calls. what angers me the most is clear lack of gratitude and appreciation. Many who are equally or even more deserving does not get the same opportunities as these bunch of students infront of me are given. so when i see that they are not putting in their best and doing justice for the rest who did not get this opportunity, i feel disappointed and that it is a part of my responsibility to push them back on track. hence the nagging, scolding, or sarcastic reminders that i've learned that i'm notorious for.

coming from a line of educators, im well aware of the responsibilities that comes with the job. i might not be as entertaining, humourous, approachable, or loveable(maybe not even likable) as some of the other lecturers, because in my mind i have only one objective: that is to provide as much knowledge and help as i can for the students to succeed in the course. though inbetween i try, to provide some breathing space and entertainment to keep them awake and interested. But studying is learning, and to face the exams you must learn the relevant.

But today i was told that students of mine are saying that i do not teach them anything in my classes, that i expect them to know everything by themselves.

instantaneously, my reality was shattered.

the type of irresponsible teachers that i despise the most... In certain students mind, im one of those teachers....

that is the part that hurts the most.

haven't cried for so long, but driving home from work today i just can't hold it in anymore. cried like a baby who had lost his pacifier, cried like a man who had lost his sense of direction, a person who was just told that his purpose in life was never really real to begin with....

after months of cleaning after other people's mess, letting colleague(s) step all over me, screw me over and backstab me shamelessly, throwing workloads at me while they sit there leisurely browsing the net yet still consistently complains to Jenny, Mr lee and the rest that they have too much work on their hands, shamelessly take my class and credit hours and claim it as theirs on their time-table, pretending to be helpful infront of the boss, offering to help me grade my students papers that is 6 times more than hers(but never did), despite profesional ethics and common courtesy between course sharing colleagues: consulting my students right infront of me(openly challenging my credibility)diminishing my credentials infront of the boss and the department, then afterwards having the guts to openly complain to me that my student keep bothering her.... despite this and that, i bite my lips and tell myself that it worth hanging on to, this is where you belong, nothing matters as long as you're good at what you do. Do not be calculative with those who feels threatened by you. at least there are still equally dedicated colleagues who sees the truth, support you, recognise your hardwork, and cheer u up along the way :') Thanks Miss Say, Caris, Joyce, Mr Lee, Mahdi, JM, and last but not least Effa!!!

but after today.... what else can i hold on to? what else would keep me going?

years of teaching and i take pride in always being recognised as the best in what i do. being showered with good feedbacks and never a complain from all the students ive taught, be it in highschools, tuition centres, language schools, colleges, or english departments.

but that changed today.

and perhaps this change should mark the end of this path for me.

this might not be the first time that i want to leave, but this is definitely the one time that i will no longer be held down by guilt or sense of responsibilities towards the students.

cause they might not realise it, but the damages that they have done to me this time, is beyond repair. perhaps this may serve as the last(or only) lesson i teach them: 'select your words carefully, you might not be able to estimate the damages or hurt you bring others.'

so here's for the many goodbyes to come.

for better or for worse.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

an ode to lost hearts

a gripping sadness
urges tears to the verge
rubbing wet palms against soaked cheeks
lips mouthing endless sorrows
yet no words to be heard

a gasping wound
of blisters and dried blood
leaving you exposed, naked, to die
slowly in the arms of time
yet alive in his heart

a pondering hunger
that misses the long gone
kissing a hand that waves but goodbyes
strike, punch, slap you into oblivion
yet gently nurse your soul to sleep

a lost heart
may never wish to be found
may hide in corners and weep oceans
pumps streams of loneliness into each muscle
yet provide no life nor will to live

a lost heart
does not wish to be found
is not meant to be found
dare not take the risk of being found
yet excites at the mere thought of it.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


It's been way too long since i've written anything here. sometimes when time permits, i would still browse through blogs that i usually visit and try to catch up on what is happening in my friends's lives. It quite saddening actually when come to think that we are alll now so consumed by our own lives and work that we can't even make time for each other anymore. there's no longer that urge or spontaneity of meeting up and hang out just by a mere SMS or phonecall. I miss those times(not in a look-back-in-regret way, but in a positively-reminiscing-good-times kinda way).

I haven't been writing anything here mostly due to the lack of inspiration. gosh, I don't even know when or how did i managed to turn into such uninspired person. i always thought that creativity and imagination are the only innate element in a person that would not be altered by time, but now i guess i have to seriously reconsider that.

on second thought, maybe my fact still does have truth to it(to a certain extend at least). before logging into my much abandoned blogger account, i was reading this blog that i accidentally came across. the blog belongs to a student in his early twenties. there was nothing special or fanciful about his blog, even the lay-outs are as simple as simple could be. but somehow, it reminded me so much of how i used to blog. he blogs as if his blog was an actual journal, and he was putting pen to the pages of it, freely expressing random thoughts and feelings. the credulousness and starkness of his words inspired me to again start scribbling in my journal.

so i guess one never loses his inspiration, he just needs to be reminded of it from time to time.



not been feeling much lately.
unless you consider exhaustion as an emotion..
been feeling so stretched by what is becoming of my work place. people who are unprofessional and lack the initiative nor capability to pull their own loads and dully perform their duties and responsibilities. End up cleaning up mess and take on unnecessary stress that are consequences of these irresponsible parties. don't even have time to fall sick anymore, even when i do fall sick i still drag my sick self to work at the risk of spreading germs around.
but i guess that's work life. you spend your days doing things you'd rather not, and you get paid at the end of the month.
i've learned to accept that. It's just that the people and situation at this place where i've spent a good three years of my life had changed so dramatically that it's no longer conducive for me to stay. it has always been the case that everytime a better offer comes along, asking me to move on, i would be reluctant to leave the students that i have worked with halfway, not to mention the ever so supportive and loving selected few colleagues. but now, all these factors should not serve as an anchor anymore.

The fact that there's nothing to write about my life says a lot.
my life had remained mundane and uneventful for the past three years.
whenever people throw questions like "How's life?" at me, i would always retort with the same answer: "Same old same old."
well, it's no wonder that i really feel like a transformation is in store for me this year, i really need to take a big leap this year, like seriously.
so i'm retaining an open mind no matter what. whatever opportunities come along.