Looking for Simplicity in The Most Unlikely Places

Today is a very sad day.

2012-01-31T05:46:00.000-08:00

Today is a very sad day. A life literally slipped away from this cold world....from my trembling arms....

On my way driving back from work, fatigue, fever, and medication were practically taking over my eyes, had to try so hard to keep them opened till i get home.
This is until i saw her lying in the middle of the road, not far ahead there's a dented car bumper also lying in the middle of the road. It was impossible for me to stop right there and then, so i had to drive until the next traffic light before being able to make a U turn. Praying very hard that there is still a thread of life in her and no other car has ran over her.

when i finally see her up close, her mouth was wide opened, gasping for live. My first thought was how long has she been lying there, struggling to survive?
As i push my hands underneath her warm body, i could feel wet moisture, she was soaked with her own blood and urine.
As i was also struggling to lift her off the middle of the road, no cars stopped to help, a few even honked at me to get off the road. While placing her in the backseat of my car, i noticed that she was a mother and she was still breastfeeding, she also had a black collar around her neck.
I padded her gently on the head, telling her not to hang in there, hang in there for the sake of your puppies....

I drove at a very safe speed to ensure that my driving or sudden breaking will worsen her condition. Again i was honked by other drivers, one even overtook me, pointed his middle finger, then went out of his way to emergency break a few times in front of my car till i almost bang the back of his car. Each time worrying and looking back to check if she had fell of the seat.

Finally, i made it through the after work traffic, and parked my car at the door of the animal hospital. A male employee was moving things inside getting ready to close the clinic. He stopped me at the door. I told him what happened, but did not expect to get such respond
"It will be very expensive, will you be the one to pay for it? If not then you take her to SPCA!"

I was first stunned, then angry. i raised my voice and tried to make him understand that she won't survive the traffic all the way from Seri Kembangan to SPCA which is probably somewhere in Subang. I guess the veterinarian heard the ruckus at the door, she walked over and the man said a whole bunch of things to her in Tamil. I didn't understand a single word, but from his expression and tone, I could pretty much guess it. I looked at her and begged her to at least come to the car and take a look at her, at least see if she would have any chance to live? Luckily she did not pay much attention to her assistant and went to the car with me. she checked her pupils and pulse, then asked me to carry her inside. She was just as warm, wet and heavy in my arms as she was before. When i placed her on the metal table, the sharped coldness of metal contrasted with her warmth, but it brightens my hope that she's still pretty much warm and hanging on to life.

The Veterinarian checked her pulse and pupils again, but her face changed this time. She put both her hands over her ribs and pressed a few times, the listened to her pulse again, pressed again, listened again, pressed again, listened again.....

"She just passed away..... I'm sorry."

I couldn't remember what, but i said a whole bunch of things inbetween that few minutes. All i can remember is hearing her reassuring me that she had passed away.... she died and there was probably nothing we could have done to save her life to begin with.

The veterinarian then offered to take care of her cremation at a discounted price, which i was more than grateful to pay for, as she deserves at least a proper burial.

For the second time this week, i cried.

Anyone who can identify her or her owner, please get in touch with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't give a damn about the fucking irresponsible owner, I just wanna know what had or will happen to her puppies.

MaryGold

2012-01-21T18:13:00.000-08:00

I love that when we first met
There were yellow petals clumsily hiding
In your sea of dark curls
As you effortlessly hovered across
An ocean of colourful warm breezes
As glaring to my eyes as the yellow sun and orange clouds
Indelibly etched in my mind
Reminding me of those moments in life
That is far too beautiful to simply live through
and merely pass by
Especially in such discredited world of disemboweled souls
Where people laugh when words are beyond tears
For that one moment
All that matters
Were the Marigold in your warm bed of hair
This is a crazy, crazy place we live in....
But love is still here
Hidden in places that really matters.

For you

2011-11-14T03:19:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday
To the only person in my heart
To the only heartbeat that synchronizes with mine
Happy birthday
To my only you

I don't give a shit
if you age prematurely
All your teeth fall off
and you butt sags like two oversized dried-prunes
Because I will remember you
as the first time I set eyes on you

Life might be a PMS-ing bitch most of the time
and people might not be happy about who we are
Material indulgence is still very far out of our reach
Fuck, we can't even toilet train our dog!
But comfort we shall find
knowing that we have each other to complain to
and release frustration on.

And if one day you do inherit Alzheimer or any other crap
and my beautiful flawless face no longer rings a bell
in that soon to be empty brain of yours
Rest assured, I will patiently remind you of it everyday
No, not by hanging tonnes of my self portrait in your room at the nursing home
But to hold on to your hand, tightly
Looking into your vacant eyes, and tell you again and again how much I mean to you
As we walk through each and every of our remaining years....

Happy birthday
My bestfriend
My soulmate
My love.
I love you.

My Will...

2011-10-11T03:24:00.000-07:00

Take her
To a house filled with memories
A room filled with pillows
And a corner where he sits awaiting

Find him
To remind him not forget to wait
Tell him that time may change
But her love still remains

Take me
To a house filled with puppies
A room filled with books
And a corner that is not empty

Leave them
To realise what it's like to be alone
Tell them the suffering of others
But remind them to never lose hope

Grief

2011-09-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

I saw a woman walking
Without legs
Mam, are you aware that you're no longer here?
Puzzled
What do you mean no longer here?
Paused...

Are you aware that you're dead?
Smile
I have been, for a very long time
Tears
Then why are you still sad?
I'm crying for the people I've left behind
I've died only once,
but they, they die thousands of time
each and every time they think of me....

My Blanket

2011-07-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

The afternoon sun hangs low

Right outside the grills

I let the curtains dangle and shutter collapses

But still it sneaks through the gaps of my shield

I pull the cold blanket over my lonesome flesh

Hoping to warm a heart that is shivering like an autumn leaf

Hoping to build a sanctuary of warmth and hope

But all I feel is more sadness and cold

All I own, is nothing but

A piece of lonely blanket

That shall no longer warm

Even the easiest of hearts.

for my sister, a poem to accompany you through the years to come....

2011-06-02T19:44:00.000-07:00

Still, breath lingers

Hair carved onto my bare shoulders

Words anticipating their release by my tinted lips

Emotions yearns to dance along the velvety smoothness of your skin

My love, never was it my intention

To make you wait another thousand years.

Still, I stand cold

Nibbling on every words you’ve said

As like promises written on sand they too gets washed

By cresting waves of life and everchanging tides of nature

My love, my heart is weeping as I pray

Would you please wait another thousand years?

Still, wavering in the wind

Lonely shall accompany me through

Another century of broken leaves and melting snow

As the rusty moon gently mouth beside my stone cold ears

My love, there’s no any other way of living

If not by your side

Even if it takes many eternities, just to hold your hands again.

at peace

2011-05-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

After much contemplation and uncertainties, finally I grew a brand new pair of balls and made the move that I’ve always knew I’d have to make, be it sooner or later, one way or another, for better or for worse.

It’s funny how the entire sequence of events took place. Everything was arranged in such a way that one would definitely bring about to the other, and everything just happened without any plans or expectations. It was as if leaving a jigsaw puzzle that was about to be completed, but a few missing pieces here and there, then suddenly turn around finding the missing pieces idly sitting in their places, and suddenly the entire puzzle is complete and makes sense….

Well, amongst all the doubt and possibilities, the only thing I’m sure of is that, I will make it through the other end, no matter what it takes. This is me, telling myself to suck it up and move on…. Move you dickhead!

The end?

2011-03-31T06:43:00.000-07:00

I've been raised to not bother to give excuse or explanation, unless asked for.
all this while ive been a firm believer that 'It's okay to be misunderstood at the moment, the truth would eventually come out, and you'll be cleared of all the fake accusations that others throw at you at their wimp and fancy.'
I'm also a strong believer of karma. what goes around comes around, so do no harm to others.

But today, my faith was shaken.

for months, i've been going in to the same office that i've been occupying for the last few years. convincing myself that this is where i belong. the things i'm doing are the right things to do, being an educator, even though so underpaid and underappreciated by the management, is still a noble job, and is the best way for me to reach out and help.

and all these while, getting the kind feedbacks from the students whose i thought lives i've touch(one way or another), whose future success i somehow played apart in. the students who comes again and again to visit and pay appreciation to us with kind tokens and words of encouragements. all these kept me going, waking up day by day and drag myself to this dead end job.

even though for the past few months ive been treated unfairly.... no actually its been more than a year. But i didnt mind having heavier workload, coz i look at it as a challenge and learning opportunity, i look at it as a way of respecting a senior co-worker whom i used to look up to as even a motherly figure. so when she again and again put me down infront of the management, or again and again took the credits that i deserved... i kept quiet. as my faith was still firmly attached.
"it doesn't matter whether Jenny or Mr Lee, or even Ms Chan acknowledge whatever it is that you have done.... as long as the students gain from it and appreciate it. as long as they see the heart you put in to do whatever you can for them.'

I've never been a person who is good at sugar-coating, or saying kind encouraging words when what i see is the need to push and give wake-up calls. what angers me the most is clear lack of gratitude and appreciation. Many who are equally or even more deserving does not get the same opportunities as these bunch of students infront of me are given. so when i see that they are not putting in their best and doing justice for the rest who did not get this opportunity, i feel disappointed and that it is a part of my responsibility to push them back on track. hence the nagging, scolding, or sarcastic reminders that i've learned that i'm notorious for.

coming from a line of educators, im well aware of the responsibilities that comes with the job. i might not be as entertaining, humourous, approachable, or loveable(maybe not even likable) as some of the other lecturers, because in my mind i have only one objective: that is to provide as much knowledge and help as i can for the students to succeed in the course. though inbetween i try, to provide some breathing space and entertainment to keep them awake and interested. But studying is learning, and to face the exams you must learn the relevant.

But today i was told that students of mine are saying that i do not teach them anything in my classes, that i expect them to know everything by themselves.

instantaneously, my reality was shattered.

the type of irresponsible teachers that i despise the most... In certain students mind, im one of those teachers....

that is the part that hurts the most.

haven't cried for so long, but driving home from work today i just can't hold it in anymore. cried like a baby who had lost his pacifier, cried like a man who had lost his sense of direction, a person who was just told that his purpose in life was never really real to begin with....

after months of cleaning after other people's mess, letting colleague(s) step all over me, screw me over and backstab me shamelessly, throwing workloads at me while they sit there leisurely browsing the net yet still consistently complains to Jenny, Mr lee and the rest that they have too much work on their hands, shamelessly take my class and credit hours and claim it as theirs on their time-table, pretending to be helpful infront of the boss, offering to help me grade my students papers that is 6 times more than hers(but never did), despite profesional ethics and common courtesy between course sharing colleagues: consulting my students right infront of me(openly challenging my credibility)diminishing my credentials infront of the boss and the department, then afterwards having the guts to openly complain to me that my student keep bothering her.... despite this and that, i bite my lips and tell myself that it worth hanging on to, this is where you belong, nothing matters as long as you're good at what you do. Do not be calculative with those who feels threatened by you. at least there are still equally dedicated colleagues who sees the truth, support you, recognise your hardwork, and cheer u up along the way :') Thanks Miss Say, Caris, Joyce, Mr Lee, Mahdi, JM, and last but not least Effa!!!

but after today.... what else can i hold on to? what else would keep me going?

years of teaching and i take pride in always being recognised as the best in what i do. being showered with good feedbacks and never a complain from all the students ive taught, be it in highschools, tuition centres, language schools, colleges, or english departments.

but that changed today.

and perhaps this change should mark the end of this path for me.

this might not be the first time that i want to leave, but this is definitely the one time that i will no longer be held down by guilt or sense of responsibilities towards the students.

cause they might not realise it, but the damages that they have done to me this time, is beyond repair. perhaps this may serve as the last(or only) lesson i teach them: 'select your words carefully, you might not be able to estimate the damages or hurt you bring others.'

so here's for the many goodbyes to come.

for better or for worse.

an ode to lost hearts

2011-03-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

a gripping sadness
urges tears to the verge
rubbing wet palms against soaked cheeks
lips mouthing endless sorrows
yet no words to be heard

a gasping wound
of blisters and dried blood
leaving you exposed, naked, to die
slowly in the arms of time
yet alive in his heart

a pondering hunger
that misses the long gone
kissing a hand that waves but goodbyes
strike, punch, slap you into oblivion
yet gently nurse your soul to sleep

a lost heart
may never wish to be found
may hide in corners and weep oceans
pumps streams of loneliness into each muscle
yet provide no life nor will to live

a lost heart
does not wish to be found
is not meant to be found
dare not take the risk of being found
yet excites at the mere thought of it.

everything

2011-03-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

It's been way too long since i've written anything here. sometimes when time permits, i would still browse through blogs that i usually visit and try to catch up on what is happening in my friends's lives. It quite saddening actually when come to think that we are alll now so consumed by our own lives and work that we can't even make time for each other anymore. there's no longer that urge or spontaneity of meeting up and hang out just by a mere SMS or phonecall. I miss those times(not in a look-back-in-regret way, but in a positively-reminiscing-good-times kinda way).

I haven't been writing anything here mostly due to the lack of inspiration. gosh, I don't even know when or how did i managed to turn into such uninspired person. i always thought that creativity and imagination are the only innate element in a person that would not be altered by time, but now i guess i have to seriously reconsider that.

on second thought, maybe my fact still does have truth to it(to a certain extend at least). before logging into my much abandoned blogger account, i was reading this blog that i accidentally came across. the blog belongs to a student in his early twenties. there was nothing special or fanciful about his blog, even the lay-outs are as simple as simple could be. but somehow, it reminded me so much of how i used to blog. he blogs as if his blog was an actual journal, and he was putting pen to the pages of it, freely expressing random thoughts and feelings. the credulousness and starkness of his words inspired me to again start scribbling in my journal.

so i guess one never loses his inspiration, he just needs to be reminded of it from time to time.

*********************************************

Feelings:

not been feeling much lately.
unless you consider exhaustion as an emotion..
been feeling so stretched by what is becoming of my work place. people who are unprofessional and lack the initiative nor capability to pull their own loads and dully perform their duties and responsibilities. End up cleaning up mess and take on unnecessary stress that are consequences of these irresponsible parties. don't even have time to fall sick anymore, even when i do fall sick i still drag my sick self to work at the risk of spreading germs around.
but i guess that's work life. you spend your days doing things you'd rather not, and you get paid at the end of the month.
i've learned to accept that. It's just that the people and situation at this place where i've spent a good three years of my life had changed so dramatically that it's no longer conducive for me to stay. it has always been the case that everytime a better offer comes along, asking me to move on, i would be reluctant to leave the students that i have worked with halfway, not to mention the ever so supportive and loving selected few colleagues. but now, all these factors should not serve as an anchor anymore.

Life:
The fact that there's nothing to write about my life says a lot.
my life had remained mundane and uneventful for the past three years.
whenever people throw questions like "How's life?" at me, i would always retort with the same answer: "Same old same old."
well, it's no wonder that i really feel like a transformation is in store for me this year, i really need to take a big leap this year, like seriously.
so i'm retaining an open mind no matter what. whatever opportunities come along.

the end is near

2010-12-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

here i am, sitting in front of the pc, sipping a warm cup of milo while browsing through my friends' blogs in my north pole office room.

most of it talks about memories, joys, achievements, heartbreak, dilemma, mostly regrets i would say. that makes me stop slurping and breathing for 0.03 seconds, and a teeny bit of cognitive process took place: What about me?

exactly, what about me? if i were to put up a post that sums up the year, if i were to blog about the 2010, what would most likely the tone and content?

hurmmmmm.... would it be joy and enthusiasm of the ending of a fruitful year and the beginning of a promising one; or would it be a melancholic one that laments the lost of another youthful year heading towards the big three 'O'? or would it be filled with the aloofness of a denial patient who refuse to admit defeat in the eyes of far more successful peers?

hurmmmm....

i dont know. but if i have to give a guess then i'll probably say all of the above.

me and my monday nights rendezvous gang(a.k.a MNR) started the year with a list of seven resolutions each. and there would be penalties for each of the resolutions that is not off the list by the end of the year. i've basically forgotten about what i put on it, except for one. and i have a strong feeling that that is probably the only one resolution that i managed to achieve this year. well, if i let this list sum up my year, then i would have to say that my year very the much sucks!!!

but come to think of it, i really dont feel that my 2010 was bad. infact, it wasnt bad at all. i've found love, i've found life, and i've found contentment.

There is a lot of things that one may want in life. a lot of goals one sets to achieve in a certain time frame. but i've never been one of those people. life is unpredictable. i've seen sadness and i've stared death in the face. eversince, i'm unable to plan for the future. because i know that no one could. the only thing we COULD do is to cherish now. to eat every piece of chocolate without worrying that we will wake up being fatter the next day. to be able to drive above the speed limit without worrying about a speed ticket that would drain our bank account at the end of the month. and most importantly, to be able to love without worrying that our hearts might be broken at the end of the day. No one lives forever, so no lover can be happily ever after. one way or another, we're bound to lose each other(or worse, loose ourselves) in the process. but to be able to be brave enough to put our hearts on a platter and present it to the person we love, that is the ultimate love and secrifice that we can ever achieve in this lifetime.

so all i have to say for this year is:

I've loved, and i've been loved. so yes, it was pretty much a good 2010, and hopefully an even better 2011 instore for all of us ;)

If Dying is an Art?

2010-12-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

If dying is an art
It would be but a daub of tactless paint
Splashed across a mundane canvas
Red, black and white
Nothing that screams rainbows or carousel
Images of limbs dangling loosely
Darkening clouds over vast abysses of despair
A world that drops at the blink of an eye
Where forever young stays lyrical
And inconsistency overrules promises
Where nothing is the only thing that fills you up

If dying is an art
I would give the world for you to come alive
For I have seen love withers
From crossing rainbows into streams of gutters
For I have scorned these feelings
As if I’d consumed oceans
Drowning the wrenching pain
Running away, life in my palms
Sadness overflowing through the gaps of my fingers
But retrieving might just seems all too vain of a cause

If dying is and art
That it’s one that requires utmost mastery
Every drop of blood but a colour palette
Every popping vein but just a stroke of your mighty brush
I will waver, I will fall
For an art is beautiful
And nothing speaks of more beauty than me lying

Still beside your feet

Issues

2010-10-09T10:03:00.001-07:00

It's been a really long time since ive vented my emotions to the thin air of cyber space. Well, guess all this while I've been bottling everything up inside instead. I guess at times, there are just feelings or emotions that might not be easily conveyed through verbal nor written words.

Lately, a lot of things been bothering me. I've come to realize that I have issues. Well, the silver lining would be, by saying that, I've taken my first step to recovery by admitting to my problems. Comparatively, there's a lotof people out there who clearly have the same problem, but refuse to see nor admit it. Some of them choose to deny it entirely, some of them choose to cover it up by dwelling on other peoples problem. (oh, btw, that wud be my second problem: overly sensitive to others problems. Gosh, living up to two problems in one post, I am progressing!)

Well, back to me( and my issues), my first issue would be trust. I now have trouble giving my full trust to others. Go e were the days when I would just believe everything everyone says, be gullible and susceptible to whatever ideas and explaination that comes my way. What happened to that me? Well, its life I guess. Life happened! I've given my full trust, to so many people, wearing my heart on my sleeves, and in the end what I get was deceptions n betrayal. Even people who I held dear to my heart. To them it might not be that severe, but they do not know how much it means for me to hand over as much trust to them to begin with. By doing so, I expected them to be completely honest to me in return. But perhaps I expected too much . Once I realize that, and feel the dishonesty bursting out of the seams around the perfect picture that I've painted of them, I withdraw. And once I withdraw, that would usually be the end of our story of trust and honesty.

My second issue, would be abandonment. Yes! I have abandonment issues. Not that ive been physically abandoned or anything, it's more to neglected. Even if I see cats or dogs, or even ppl being abandoned by the streets, I would immediately be at the verge of tears. I guess that explain my constant habit of taking in strays. Sigh... I just don't want to be left behind. In fact, I'm petrified of the idea. So, at the slightest hint of such possibility, I withdraw(again). I would take myself out, channeling the emotions away, and slowly drift apart from the other party involved.

This is me. Trying to acknowledge my issues. It's the first step I'm taking in confronting them. So I would support all the support I could get.

Thank you for reading. That itself is a form of support.

Uncle Starbucks

2010-06-24T06:38:00.001-07:00

Uncle starbucks

Sitting here, I observed him over the pages of my book. My concentration derailed it's purposeful track. With his oversized and trendy shades clinging over the flat bridge of his nose, he sat there, limbs dangling sideways, asleep.

Then all of a sudden, his body jerked and scared my vision back to the lost pages of this unknown book I'm holding. He bend down and pick up his leather cap that had fallen onto the floor beside his chair, solemnly slip it back on, covering his dyed blonde trims of remaining hair that barely survived the test of age.

The appear to waver around with his mp3 player as he plugged the earpiece into his lobes. He then fumble with his pack of dunhill and pull out a wretched stick, place it roughly at his mouth, envelope it with his dried wrinkled lips and takes a good long drag as he lit it.

Today is fathers day. But as any other days, I could still spot him here. Walking, sitting around this particular starbucks, With beverage or not, loitering his days away. Patrons around here pay no particular attention to him, unless he overstep borders and invade their space. Yes, he can be rather playful at times, oggling at young ladies and attempting to strike up dry conversations with them. Still, he is basically harmless if not annoying.

A smile flash across my face as I watch him hopping his head to the pressumably catching music in his mp3 player( which I would have to say is quite schick for someone of his age)

Then, out of no where, sadness stricks. As I realized that it would take a lot of boredom and loneliness to get. Man of his age to repeat such idle routine every single day. I wonder where he lives? What does he do or did to earn a living? Does he have any family? Children? Why is he here even on a fathers day. The fact that a few minutes ago I was still on the phone wishing my dad a happy fathers day.

Tears starts to well up and blur my vision of this lonely old man. Still sitting there, cigarrettes smoking away aside ashtray, as his head tilted sideway and dream himself into a place with family and friends....

Love is (for our bride to be: my dearest yee-mui)

2010-06-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

Love is when i wake up
and see your face for the first time
every beginning of the day.

Love is when i'm alone
lost in the strangest places but
you'll find me every thousandth times.

Love is when i lie awake
tired and restless, but happiness smiles
as you inhibit my every beautiful thought.

Love is when i say good bye
my hands on your arms, my lips on your lips
as i know i want to be with you
every forever lifetime.

how she reminded me.

2010-05-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

These few days had been gloomy as i carry my morbid self through the casual rigmaroles of the days.

every few moments, i would stop and think about this small scrawny face of a kitten, whose life was ended because the world, the world is too cruel of a world to contain her.

it happened last monday, as i meet up with the gang for our usual monday night rendezvous. this time, it was Bren's turn to pick the venue, so she picked this foodcourt that is smacked in the middle of the SS2 night market.

we arrived there early, but Drew & Terry were already there. so we put out things down and went to get food. as we returned to the table and put our food down. i was distracted by endless barking from this puppy. he was apparently attracted to something in the sewer. i went over to check it out. i saw the puppy biting at something, dragging the helpless object by the front limb, as the thing lie there lifeless & helpless. at first i though it was a dead rat, but as i took a closer look, i realized that it was a kitten, alive, but barely.

my heart sank, as the image that strucked me were more than i could bear. i chased the puppy away, and stood there looking at the kitten, not knowing what to do.

terry n bren came over, and all our heart were aching. we then managed to put the poor kitten into a wooden box and terry and bren went and get towel as i stay beside the kitten. we then tried as much as we could to dry her up. this is when we notice that her front leg was broken, and she was severely under-nutrition. she could barely move her limbs, as her head lies there lifeless.

then we were all busting our brains trying to figure out what to do. i google every possible solution on my phone, SPCA, PAWS, any veterinarian or animal clinics, but came to the conclusion that they were all useless and of no help. this is when we decided to take matters onto our own hands.

we sent Drew to go get some hot steamed Jagung, and me and Bren went to get milk, but ended up with soy milk instead. we then put the hot corns around the kitten to keep her warm, and used a straw(since a syringe is not available) to try our best to feed the kitten. at first our effort was in vein, but as we kept on trying, the kitten finally had some reaction.

as we were trying everything we could, quite a few bystanders came up and showed their 'malaysian spirit', they asked a lot of dumb question, watched, then made a few snide remarks, then left. instead, it was the immigrants who work at the foodstalls around there whom did provide us with some assistance, like getting us boxes and etc.

in the end, we managed to put her comfortably inside a box an cover her up with clean white towels, with the steamed corns to keep her warm. it was as if life was tranfused back into her, as she regained enough strenght to life her head up and stared at each of our faces. her eyes were big but weary. i i looked into them, i felt like tearing. she reminded me of the many kittens i used to nurse and play with during school.

i would always save up my pocket money, to but sachets of cat food. at that time i didn't have much, i would only get around 50 to 80 cents daily, when i di get any. cat food would cost around 1.20 per individual pack. so i would have to save up and could only afford to feed them on odd days. but i will always remember how i would wait until school is over, and i would sneak to their hidding spots and serve them the cat food. they would scatter themselves around me, anticipating the food. and as they eat, i would sat beside and pet them. afterwards i would spent quite some time playing with them.

those were my moments of escape. as i feel that i am away from the reality of my life, from all the troubles at home, and away from everyone. but in a world of contentment, where small joys are the ones that really matters....

The next day, Terry who was free took the kitten, who we named Jagung due to the obvious reasons, to the vets. we were optimmistic as Jagung appears to be much better than the original condition we found her in.

we were all happy, and we even planned to let Jagung be Fishball's little sister and stay together with me.

but then came the worst. the dr said that there's no possible way Jagung could survive and lead a life that is even close to normal. she was so badly injured that she would never be able to stand of lift herself up, nor to eat and excrete on her own. the injuries apparently were sustained quite sometime ago, and the damage is permanent. she even had maggots eating her up from within... the world went blank and my emotion just shattered as i listened to terry, trying to talk in between sobs.

there was nothing that could be done for her. so the dr was going to feed her here last meal then put her to sleep....

i went home and cried that day. i cried like how i never did for a very long time. i cried for Jagung, i cried for all my friends, i cried for myself, and i cried for all the lives that is being taken away out there. i thought that we could at least save one, but it turned out we couldn't.

we cannot undo the harm that had been done to this poor creature who deserved way better.

no matter how much we do, no matter how hard we try.

Lie in peace, my little one. We love you always, our Baby Jagung.

The Missing Poems

2010-04-27T01:03:00.001-07:00

The seconds, the hours
The days, the nights
The weeks, the years

The smiles, the tears
The grief, the pain
The longing, the seeking

Hurting

2010-04-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's this feeling again. breath doesn't come easily.

it's almost as if i'm breathing nothing in, but breathing my soul out in return.

it's not pain, it's not numbness, neither is it throbs.
It's like waves, washing over you again and again.
it's a feeling of drowning, suffocating as if your chest is filled by nothing but nothing.

yes, nothingness, this is what it is.
because once again you let your heart get away.
once again you let your feelings get the better of you, you let emotions cloud your judgment.

once again i'm heartbroken.

heartbreak, heartbreak go away.
come again some other day.
I am but ready to lose faith.
heartbreak heartbreak go away....

what's holding you back?

2010-03-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

i fell asleep on the sofa at 9pm. finished a dvd and was only telling myself that my eyes needed to rest for a minute. but somehow, my entire system managed to shut down. as predicted, i grow tired more easily nowadays.

then i somehow managed to get myself into the bedroom, and slept slept and slept until now. now, i'm widely awake sitting infront of the PC with nothing to do.

i'll probably go to the kitchen, get something to eat. well, there's always that huge pack of Ruffles still lying on the floor beside the sofa, or that half bar of Chocolate in the fridge.

lately, i've been thinking. well, what's new with that? i'm always thinking aren't i? but no, it's a different sort of thinking. this time i limit my thinking. to not overthink is actually rather tiresome. more draining than overthinking.

i'm always a person who trust that when it comes to the matter of the heart, one shouldn't consider too much and just follow one's heart instead of brain. but apparently, that's not always the case.

i've learned that one tends to be exposed to the danger of heartbreaks when one does not apply cognitive processes to love. yes, believe it or not, love requires braincells.

so i guess it goes without saying that stupid people like me, would never have love then. silly old fool.

the occasional update.

2010-03-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

gosh, haven't been updating for ages. well can't seem to think of a good excuse to justify my laziness, so gonna just go with the usuals: ran out of creative juice, internet server down, injured my typing fingers(which would be my two delicate index fingers), and last but not least, was actually living my life rather than writing about it, lol.(how i wish the last one was true)

talking about life.... mine has been rather 'occasional' lately. Define occasional? well, hurmmmm..... you know, the occasional ups and downs, the occasional smiles that flashes across my face when th very scarce occasional happiness afloatS('S' not grammatical error, but for emphasis, so scarce they need singular verb) the way too often occasional heartbreaks, disappointment, anger, revenge plotting behaviour, etc... (well, u get the idea)

oh, and some major changes are in store for me this year. it's time to stop sheer planning and plain avoidance, and to embrace them with an abundant amount of courage...

2010-01-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

I ask for forgiveness
For all the inconvenient I've caused you
In your eyes I'm nothing but trouble
A flatulent existance that embarasses
Drag your arrogance to the lowest of low
As you muffle my face away from their view
Not noticing the stinging tears bleeding over the cracks of your palm
Your eyes closed to the lights within
Where I'm surrounded by a deafening silence
Void of a single thread of your warmth

I ask for forgiveness
For all the pain I've inflicted on you
All the wounds I sliced open with red sharp nails
Even rubbed salt on them over again
Punches and kicks weren't my intention
An oozing wound on you is more than i can bear
Shall I patch all of these up
With the dissapearance of my existance
Would a slit across my throat deafen your moan
If so then let this self be shattered to dust

I ask for forgiveness
For the love I've poured over you
For I should have known better not to
Pamper you with attention and care
Until it stiffles and drown your will
Casted away the freedom I long to see in your eyes
Loosen the steadfastness that used to blind the rest
(unfinished)

Damaged?

2010-01-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

A friend asked me whether i consider myself to be Damaged. I loosen my grip on the warm cup of coffee. I stared at the glass window and pondered for a second, only for a small second. My lips just simply uttered 'No.'.

Cause deep down i know, I may be many things, but damaged I'm not.

You can go ahead and call me broken, reckless, aimless, lost. but damaged? never, or at least not yet.

So what if one had a father who gambled away every piece of valuables in the house, and eventually the house. So what if one come home from school to find his piggy bank empty or shattered on the floor, the content never to be retrieved. So what one had to spent his every semester breaks ever since primary school working hard just to make sure he would have money to pay the next year's tuition fees. So what if one's mother could only afford to let them have one meal per day. So what if one was afraid of going home after school to not get beaten up by his brother on a daily basis, the big brother whose suppose to protect him and stand up for him. So what if one have countless scars & stitches from having his head smashed into every single piece of glass around the house. So what if ones trust was abused, and flesh touched inappropriately when he can't even understand what's being done to him. So what if we were looked down upon, insulted by people who are suppose to share blood ties with. So what if one was the kid who was taunted and beaten up behind the classrooms. So what if.... So what if....

Life is a challenge, it has always been so.

But i move on, burying the past as the past. As i look straight into the determination in my sister's eyes,
"If you knew from the beginning that you'd only be given eight years to be with him, would you still have made the same decision?...."

"Yes, I wouldn't give it up for anything." As she held her babies tightly in her arms.

As i hear the trembling voice of an elderly man,
"She was my reason to waking up every morning. But now she's gone, what is there left for me to wake up to?"

So what if? What if you look back at your life and see only misery and pain. when it is the same for others? Every one has their hidden wounds and sores. Every one wants to put the dark behind and embrace the light. So what makes me damaged if compares to all the hurt in life?

I am but broken. I am but a small papercut.
As for the pain, the pain is there for a reason.
And though it hurts, I know it hurts for a reason....

Gluing myself back together again

2010-01-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

the healing process has been taking place for the past few days. I am kicking the melancholy aside, and trying to rise above, albeit the constant obstacles & distractions.

i was like a broken piece of toy, lying all beaten & damaged, untouched by the child that is distracted by the new & shinny Christmas presents, neglected & abandoned.

it wasn't easy, to regain the courage to put my life back together again, even harder to hold it together. but i knew that it was something that i need to do on my own, something that i had to do by myself.

so now here i am, crawling on the floor, collecting the bits & pieces.

here i am sitting alone in a dark corner, attempting to glue all the broken pieces back together again.

here i am, wanting to not be broken, but whole.

so let me be....

jaded

2010-01-15T06:12:00.000-08:00

I do not know since when it started. but i just fail to laugh or smile true-heartedly anymore.

I try my best to appear as if everything is fine. I keep smiling and laughing at work, as much as i have to. In classes i keep on cracking my usual dark-humor-jokes to keep the atmosphere lively and the students awake. when I meet up with friends, it's hard, esp. with those who knows me too well, I have to try even harder to hide it. So i laugh, as hard as i could , at every jokes. I say lame things and again I laugh, until i feel this numbness inside for at least a few minutes.

Happiness has decided to leave me. It left me as nothing but an empty gift box. The gift inside was taken away, as the box lies there, ripped open, echoing the vast emptiness awaiting to be filled.

I've read somewhere that we are responsible for our own happiness. & to a certain extend i very much agree with it. But what else can i do, when i've tried so hard, until i'm left with this helpless feeling of not being able to do anything else.

Living in a world that is nothing but a hard cold reality. Is happiness within my reach? will it ever be? Will I ever be able to at least smile because I really want to? I just want to giggle & laugh from the inner part of me, from the heart.

I'm tired of having the urge to crash into nothingness. I'm tired of dragging my tired feet into the car, as my tears flood all the way home. I am exhausted. I see and feel how exhausted my loved ones are, and it breaks me even more.

I don't think I can go on like this. I know I won't have to for that long, but this long is barely bearable. I'm giving up, even when I know i shouldn't.

A thousand Wishes

2010-01-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I smiled and cried
Felt sad and joy
As I stared into eyes that cared
and loved the very soul inside
I held your arms and wrapped them around me
'My first wish' I smiled 'Fifteen minutes'
You were amused, disbelieve
How could a wish be so simple,
when you could have the world
'Well I don't want the world,
if it means not being in your embrace'

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I giggled and laughed
As i felt your arms around me
and felt the warmth of your beating heart
I landed a kiss on your cheek and said goodbye
A common gesture for two persons in love
Simple yet sweet, casual yet passionate
'Another 999 goodbye kisses to come'
I shouted across the hall
As i left you standing in front of the dishes
And smiled as your name appeared on my phone

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I touched and kissed your lips
As I felt you wanting me
underneath the warm sheet as we lay
Entwined our limbs as our skin brushed
Rough yet tender we embraced the beauty of our world
My chest pillowed you sweet smelling hair
As i wished for nothing else in this world
Nothing but to have this feeling forever
Nothing else, even if i have to wish it for the thousandth time.

Tired.

2010-01-06T08:13:00.000-08:00

Lethargic.

The perfect description of what I'm experiencing right now.

Had been feeling so for the past few days, weeks maybe.

Had a busy day at work today. had lunch with Ms. Chan, and both of us talk and shared a lot of things. Spending time with her makes me miss my mom less. Though i don't think i could ever bring myself to tell her that.

I shifted my seat in the office. moved to a more lively part of the office... hope my days at work would be so as well.

after work i went for tuition. throughout the one and a half hour, i was exhausted, but didn't fall asleep as usual, not even once.

then i drove through the heavy traffic jam to meet up with Christine who insisted on going for bodycombat class today. arrived just in time. hopped around like an idiot, punching into thin air for about an hour. the after, i jumped onto the treadmill, but couldnt seem to find the energy to run for long. The gym was just too packed today. cant seem to find any comfort or serenity that i usually get after a good work out.

had dinner after, at teh tarik place, had two half boiled eggs, nasi lemak with a hard boiled, kaya butter toast, & a big cup of teh tarik. hungry but didnt have much appetite.

accompanied Chris until her fren came. lay down flat on the playground, stared at the huge screen of One Utama, and the ticking digital clock beside it. had the sudden realization of time.

drove home, sang along with the songs on the stereo, thoughprobably got the lyrics all wrong.

drove into the parking lot, straightened the car before reversing into the lot. as my hand shifted the gear into reverse, head banged onto the steering wheel, foot tightly pressed on break, grasp steering wheel tightly with both hands, tears starts to flow from no where, cried and cried .... and cried for don't know how long.

head up, took two pieces of kleenex, wipe tears from face, reverse car into parking lot. got down, took bag and shoes. walked out and wait for elevator. door dings open, empty, great.

pressed 18, waited, dings open, got out. unlock door, walked inside, took off clothes, throw into laundry basket. took hot shower.

sat on bed, turned on iTunes, listened to Damien Rice, reading The Lovely Bones.

2010

2010-01-05T06:21:00.000-08:00

the new year.

I don't know what i feel about, or how i feel about it. all i know is, it signifies my turning into 26.
BIG FUCKING CAPITALIZED IN RED AND IN BOLD TWENTY-SIX!!!

There! happy now?

P.S: Happy New Year.

a short note from an insomniac

2009-12-26T09:36:00.000-08:00

Lately, haven't been updating my blog as i should. Just don't feel like there's much to write here at this time, might be due to the melancholic fear that lingers at the end of each year, or the mundane realization of a jaded mind.

Anyhow, i did wrote short pieces on this website set up by the british council people. so far i had submitted 2 pieces(the fruit of two particular sleepless night which had the inner writer in me itched to come out) .

so enjoy(or not).

*****************************************************
Sanctuary

He stands outside, on the balcony.

The rain pours and soaks his wavy hair, the wind pushes his stiff flesh, the storm grows harder and harder, outside and inside of him.

His emotion is numb. Living in this big city so many call home has taken it's toll on him. His body grows stiffer, toughen from all the challenges he faces on a daily basis. But his mind is limp, weaken by the constant worries and doubts. His spirit drowned, as it spirals down a water spout, a vortex of realism.

What's left of his mind wanders off to a time, a time where he still have traces of hopes and dreams rooted in his heart. An ambitious young man, as his friends and family would refer to him as. Now, where did that young man disappear to?

This place. He chose to live in this place because it hides him from the big city. Instead of facing high rising buildings, chaotic billboards, and blinding lights all over, he choose to be facing this piece of green. A mountain of trees surrounding a deep bottomless lake.

It brings him peace, it calms his soul. He would stand outside for hours. Starring at it, especially during rains. The rain water collected on the mountain top would form a temporary waterfall. And he would stand there and watch, until the waterfall drips it's last drop of water.

Afterward, he has to turn around, step back into the harsh reality. The reality of a world that consumes souls and thoughts, breaks hopes and shatters dreams.

But until then, he remains standing, starring out a a land of green, peace, and serenity....

**************************************************************

Distance

She sat there. The mug of 'hot-cham' in front of her had ceased to puff thin layer of heat.

Sitting opposite her wasn't the familiar face that's already engraved in her pupils. And that was a fact she was more than aware of.

"You know how people always ask how you are, whether they bump into you on the street, call you, or even drive all the way to your house to check on you? I start to wonder about the kind of answers that they expect to get. Should I just put on a facade front, just smile and nod submissively? Cause by being honest, I would do nothing but stir their worries."

I nodded.

"How can I be fine. I wake up every morning, realising that he's gone. Everything I'm used to, each moment that I knew.... All that is him, their no longer there."

I nodded.

"Two person meet each other, then love each other, becomes an entire life for each other. But when one of them has to go, when one of them isn't there anymore, what is to be of the other one?"

I nodded.

"You know what's worse about having to wake up and continue living your life afterward? It's the distance, it's the distance that hurts. And the pain inflicted by this distance is the same regardless of you being the one leaving, or the one left behind.... It hurts equally. Eternally...."

I nodded. "So what could you possibly do to make yourself okay, to feel better.... When the distance get so big, you feel so far away that you just can't stand it no more?"

I nodded.

"Can I let go, am I allowed to fall.... When there's so many people relying, counting on your well-being?"

I stayed still.

a weekend with myself

2009-12-13T04:32:00.000-08:00

It's a longer weekend. (though would much prefer it to be even LONGER)
But I'm proud to say that i've spent the past three days, almost entirely on my own! No dates, no drinks with friends, no being Mc'Notty, nor any other things of that sort. I, for the first time, am actually comfortable going about doing things on my own. yesterday, i spent the day working at home, then drove out to get some work done, then went for a very late brunch in Bangsar, then walked around and did some light shopping, before i hit the gym. And for once, it didn't feel odd or awkward for me to be doing all these on my own.

i must admit that, while i was having lunch, i looked around and i saw the patrons at other tables, sitting together, with lovers or friends, happily chatting away, or indulging in some PDA, the thought of envy did flashed across my mind. but it was momentary, before i quickly realize that, this is serenity i'm feeling, not envy nor loneliness.

I know I know, some of you should be going "there he goes again.... DENIAL!" by now. but i admit, ever since don't-know-when, i simply forgotten how it was like to be alone. I have some close friends around me who claims that they are very comfortable being alone and they ARE constantly spending their time in solidarity. But who are they kidding? they wouldn't be out & about with others all the time if they do. enough said, its easier to preach than do. so i'm not about to write a sermon here.

but i've vowed to myself, from now on, i'm going to be comfortable being with only myself. I don't need to have plans up to my neck, coz i'm just simply happy being with myself. doing thing that entertains no one but me :) (though i must admit that my idea of entertainment could be perceived as slightly bizarre by others)

I am contented. I may not have much, i may not do much, i may not know much, but i am contented.

may i have more of these optimistic days to come. Cheerio!

Julie & Julia

2009-12-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

i haven't read the book yet, but i love the film. the plot is pretty simple, and everything is explained in a clear & specific way. the acting was superb, offcoz coz its meryl streep & amy adams we're talking bout here.

but the thing that attracted me the most was how a simple story of a simple life, can be transformed and entwined with that of sheer mundane excitement. I guess i sort of relate to what the main protaganist is going through: have been leading an eventless life, to the point of losing passion and direction. this was what lead to her revalation. she is far from perfect, self prolaimed bitch, unappreciative of her fantastically understanding partner, and neglects her cat. i'm sure not many would want to even compare themselves to such a character. but oddly, since the beginning of the film, i can't help but sense a connection. its one of those movies that within the first five minutes even, u just know that it would leave a deep impact in you and be life altering to a certain extend.

take it from me, i'm not big about films that show case a lot of 'mouth-watering' food (unless it's pastries!) but this one is simply a must watch!!!

Passion, Ambition, Butter.

Do you have what it takes?

Poetry

2009-12-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

I started writing poetry
The day I met you
Your glances animate words
arranging themselves in verses
Your limbs conjure rhythms
dancing around in stanzas
Your smile inspire dreams
living in poems dedicated to you

I started writing poetry
The day I met you
Your voice enliven imagery
living vividly in your giggles
Your skin elicit metaphors
of lustrous silk cocooning every curve
Your name dream up similes
of our mounting desire for tomorrows

I stopped writing poetry
The day you left me
Eyes tearing as I reread the very verses
marked and scarred by your prints
Hands tearing the same sheets
that recorded our past in black and white
Heart torn as irrepressible thoughts flow
across a map of faded loving verses
that no longer bare meanings, not any more

I stopped writing poetry
The day you left me
The very day I died along
all the imaginations of a life
that wouldn't be complete without
all the punctuations pausing and breaking
as the tip of my pen put all these down
in black and white for you to sing

I stopped writing poetry
The day the phone rang
Another voice bid your goodbyes
as my heart ceased to beat along your flat pulse
Sadness streaming along frozen cheeks
symbolizing the vast inner emptiness
you drew around my poetic world
even if I vowed to stop loving
the day you left me behind
the very day you died.

Mr. Lonely

2009-11-30T22:36:00.000-08:00

Watching TV alone is dull. Lazing on the couch & reading alone is boring. Sitting in a restaurant and taking your meals alone is pathetic. Working out at the gym alone is depressing. Sipping a cup of hot caramel macchiato alone in starbucks on a rainy night is pitiful.Lying alone in bed afterwards is lonesome. Waking up alone staring at the vastness of your bed is saddening. Being alone is lonely. Being alone is tough.

That is what i constantly tell myself while going through the rigmaroles of a day.

Since when did i become this creature that dreads solidarity. Since when did that boy who walks around on his own doing everything alone turn into this stranger who is constantly scared of being alone.

Is being on your own that hard? At 25, is it absolutely crutial for me to have a constant companion to share everything with, & to create new memories with?

These questions puzzle me.

Yet, i ponder over and over again over the validity of having companionship for the sake of companionship.

A friend questioned me last night: Would it be wrong to be with someone for reasons other than love?

My answer: No, it's not wrong. It's a materialistic world out there, so at time we need to be realistic. Security secures love. And if you sincerely love & care for someone, you would do everything in your power to provide them that.

But before i fell asleep, it strucks me: Would I settle for a love-less relationship? Regardless whether love comes before of after the relationship, would I still insist on it?

just questions, & more questions. Sigh, an idle mind thinks too much.

Memoir of a Devil Child

2009-11-17T19:25:00.000-08:00

If the title of the post manage to catch your attention, then it has served its purpose well :)

seriously, lately i've been far from a devilish, demonic, villainous, or any form of evil for that matter. I've been a really really good boy. (Grin!)

the days have been mundane, yet eventful at the same time. let me elaborate. there's no more classes as the AUSMAT-ians had survived their external exams, and i don't get to see their cute faces on a daily basis anymore. but still, i have to be at the office regadless. plus, we have our hands full with the preparation for the graduation ceremony, and revamping the syllabus for the new batch. i have to cut out and exclude a lot of things that i love and am passionate about. but still, i'm more than willing to. coz after all, its about the students, and not me :( Although i would so much prefer it the other way around.

I've been trying to work out more, and am miraculously losing weight and fat!!! YAY!!! now, i'm like 2 inches closer to my 4 packs!!! muahahaha(see, i'm not that greedy afterall la Addy :P)

(17-11-2009)
the first half of the post was drafted the previous week.
************************************************************************

since the last post, i've been working out.... 1...2....3....4....., only ONCE. been feeling lethargic and not really in the mood of going anywhere or doing anything. Went & watched A Christmas Carol 3D with a friend, but ended up blanking out through the show. due to the boring-ness of the show, and the not-so-extravagant 3D effects. IOW, its over rated. sigh... was hoping to have something that would cheer me up and pick my mood up before going for the Prom Nite. wouldn't want to show up all melancholic & sour-faced. Guess that didn't work.

arrived at the Prom thingy late, due to the freaking jam. plus, my Canary's air conditioning decided to bail on me, so was sweating through the 1 and a half hour jam. (and winding down the car window didn't help at all).

the function was......(Deleted.... Deleted..... Deleted.....)
thankfully i was seated at the 'entertaining' table. Mahdi cracked loads of jokes that made us laughed our heads off. And if you know me well, then you should know that the sadder i'm feeling, the harder i laugh.

I've always hated functions like these. functions that serves as a sort of farewell ritual. a rite of passage for people whose supposedly should be moving on to the next phase in their lives. its all about taking the last photos together, expressing gratitudes, apologizing, and most heart-wrenchingly is saying goodbye.

people are departing. stepping away from the usual rigmaroles of the previous days.

its just so very depressing to say goodbye to people who you are used to, and had became a part of your routine, a part of your life. And i am always not good as saying goodbyes. (being the emotional self that i am) I left early that night, not being able to linger any longer, as emotions might take over. the gloomy clouds over my head might just decide to start pouring.

in the car, i turned the stereo on, maximise the volume, hoping that Mariah would whistle the clouds away. but it didn't work. ended up stopping my car by the roadside to avoid endangering others by me driving under emotional influence.

Saying goodbye is sad, regardless the occasion.

a Single Thought

2009-11-14T04:41:00.000-08:00

I sat lonely
Staring at the empty chairs around me
Eyes touch the cold floor
Reflected from the black walls surrounding me
A deep breath
To ease myself from freezing

I thought I found you
The day I saw your face
The way it glistened under the lights
Amongst everyone else that matters
Your soul sounds the most beautiful
Like a birthday song on a winter's night

I lost you
The day you decided to leave
Leave me alone in your past
Stitched together by sadness and tears
Cemented into a mere sculptor
Displayed in your museum of memories

I inhale the wind
That stench from the vast emptiness
You left resonating in our familiar place
Where no longer you sit right in front of me
And smile as I study the contour of your face
And a soul that was so so beautiful.

Long pause, and no answer.

2009-11-09T18:53:00.000-08:00

Is this love,
when you wake up thinking of somebody
wondering whether they've awaken
hoping that they are up and thinking about you
too

Is this love,
when the first thing you do
after you've arrived at work
is to text them good morning,have a good day
HUGS!!!

Is this love,
when during lunch time with friends
all you can think and talk about is them
and all you can imagine is them sitting infront of you
darn!

Is this love,
when you hang on to every word they say
even revamp your room according to their liking
and paste floral wallpapers just because they like flowers
sigh....

Is this love,
when on mondays
you are already planning for friday
and how you're gonna be lazing the weekend away
together.

Is this love,
when you can forget everything and everyone else
put your life by the sidelines
for they trump absolutely anything
everything!

Is this love,
when you lose sleep at night
can't seem to shut your eyes for minutes
as they consume you inside out
restless

Is this love,
when you become emotionally inept
poetically dramatic with your words
even when ordering an alluringly provocative grande sized caramel macchiato
extra caramel sauce please.

Is this love?
Well, apparently not.

To Swallow:

2009-11-04T17:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Swallow,
Why insist on flying with the rain
When the wind cruel and the water pinches
Soaked through delicate shinny quills
Drenched by the sorrow of morbid tears
Harbinger of heartbreaks that follows after another
Wing gracefully flapped as you swiftly snatched
The next gullible green that comes along
But on your wings you shall stay
Transient as your feathers age with time
And the glossy blue fades into a ghoulish green
The songs once chirped in joy of love
Wilted along the fall of your soulmate
As you shall return in the storm
To the birthnest where you began
And shall end in a forlorn cry
Of a swallow that once knew happiness.

the sweet november

2009-11-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

am blogging A LOT lately. just in case ur wondering, i have A LOT of blogs to manage. in fact, just started a new one for my new batch of AUSMAT 2010! Gosh, am so tired of signing in and out of different accounts.

well, at least one good thing came out from me constantly being on blogger. that is i finally get to giving my favourite blog a new look :) Hope you love it as much as i do!

life has been plain lately, painfully plain. work has been paperwork non-stop, preparing and re-preparing for the new semester year is taking its toll on both me and miss chan. we seriously deserve a long break(but would settle for a short one too) and a huge fat ass kicking bonus!!!(please.... pretty please...*puppy eyes*)

social life wise, i'm thankful that i'm surrounded by good friends, great friends that i can always count on to share the ups and downs of life with. I love you guys!!!! HUGS!!!!!

Love wise.... ermmmm..... am hopeful. am hopeful that this someone i'm seeing is worth the rest of my life with. But i can't help but be very careful, cause I really want things to work out and i can't afford to be shattered again. so I AM HOPEFUL. I BELIEVE. And I AM TRYING! ;)

thats all about my life for now. care to tell me about yours? :)

And....

2009-11-03T05:40:00.000-08:00

As a constant reminder of....

Earthlings

2009-10-26T08:31:00.001-07:00

I lie there
Fully conscious
Sensory intensified
Bludgeoned, My skull
Smashed into hundred ten pieces
Flaming blood splashes across
A faithful face I trust
A face too familiar
Yet so distant with cold
A face that's alive
But so near to my death

I lie there
Fully conscious
Dumbfounded, My trust
Breached by the obsolete kindness
I once showed to you and your kind
As my eye gape in terror
A pair of bloody hands
Along many many other hands
Smashing and slashing
Every drop of life
Out of every single inch of my flesh

Where is the knowing that should be guiding the gullible
Where is the strong that should be protecting the weak
Where is the civilised that should be enlightening the innocent
Where is the merciful that should be loving the forgotten
Where is the tall and mighty that should be sheltering the rest

If killing me is merely a sport
Than my tomorrow will be the prize to pay

Damn, its gonna be November soon!

2009-10-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

I just spent the past 45 minutes, lying on bed, biting my nails, squeezing my brain juice, trying to scribble down a list of ambitious, yet reachable new year resolutions. i don't usually put a lot of thoughts to this sort of things, but since i'm already a quarter of a century old, and will be evn more ancient next year, so i guess its about time i do.

sigh... it does makes me so depressed going through the things that i'm suppose to have done or achieved by now, but failed to do so. procrastination, thou shall no longer be thy companion.

my list, so far has 5 items on it. but some of it are too personal, that i shan't share it here.

(M chugging down a cup noodle while writing this, BAD HABIT! well, forgiven considering i only had two subway sandwiches for the entire day. plus, i gymed today!!!)

gosh, i suddenly miss home. haven't been home for more than 6 months now. i miss the mother who would sit infront of the tv and watch sappy movies or drama and cry together with me. i miss the father who would send me the same text FOUR times at 2/3a.m. waking me up just to tell me not to stay up late coz its bad for my health!!! I miss my babies!!! Lee Ann who should be pretty tall by now, JaySern who constantly call me up asking for candy, and Wayne Hern who should be able to run around by now. can't wait to see them and run around with them all day long!!!

sigh.... now time for my last doze of meds!!!

Life. oh life.

15 confessions

2009-10-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

1. i'm a huge fan of Britney, Mariah, Shakira and wonderpets!

2. I collect children's book, especially beautifully illustrated ones.

3. I cry and eat Mc'D sundaes when i'm sad. highest record so far would be 6 sundaes in a row.

4. I love romantic comedies.

5. I don not plan ahead, especially when it comes to life. live the minute, free yet reckless.

6. I can be extremely short-tempered at times, and tend to say or do things that i would regret of later on.

7. I try my best not to feel regret of what had been done, as its obviously pointless.

8. I'm extremely clumsy and absent-minded. You won't believe my track record.

9. Insecurity is my Achilles's heel, I lack confident and is extremely afraid of being alone.

10. I had only one serious relationshiop before, and it lasted for 2 years, but was only good for one. It dragged on as i refused to see the truth.

11. I like teaching. I like to do a lot of things actually. but socializing is not one of them.

12.

I don't believe in relationship anymore.

but i am constantly in fear of missing out on love and the one, then growing old and dying alone.

13. I hate people who lie to me. i will never give my full trust to someone who does so, even once.

14. I'm secretly self-destructive, and self contradictory. Afraid of being alone, yet enjoy solidarity, hence, keep a safe distance from everyone.

15. I might say otherwise, but i think watching movies alone is the saddest thing on earth.

this over-rated thing call love

2009-10-03T23:46:00.000-07:00

I remember hearing from someone, or is it somewhere, that love completes a person's life.
and being the usual naive and easily influence blond that i am, i took it up word for word. i believed in it, and i held on to it as a sort of mantra of my life.

ever since then, i've been constantly looking over my shoulder, left and right, constantly on the look out, in case my true love might be passing me by, in fear that within the blink of an eye i might miss out on it.

keep telling myself that 'you'll never know for sure who is the one, unless you've put in everything you have and tried your best.' and i did, put myself in it, whole-heartedly, each and every time. and it is always the case, that each and every time, my heart was returned to me, battered and worn. 'at least you can now know for sure that it's not the one, so you can continue looking for the right one' and i smile, a bitter heart.

now, after a quarter of a century, after a few heartbreaks and failed relationships, after seeing the perfect persons turn into the complete strangers, i should change.

i should no longer believe in this cliche thing call 'LOVE'.
i should not wear my heart on my sleeves and expose myself to be scratched and wounded.
i should just sneer and say 'fuck love! who needs it when they can just settle for carefree sex and life'
i should shouldn't i?

****************************************************

should I?

people are inconsistent. as i've witnessed throughout my years living with them. they can say one thing and mean another. they can promise something, then go do others. they can appear to be your true friend at one time, then turn their back on you the next.

so how can i trust? who can i trust? who should i trust with something so important as my heart. because once its beating stop, so will I.

should i trust someone who say that they will try and not break it? or should i trust some one who promise to keep it together with their own and lock it up forever, imprison it with theirs.

frankly, i do not know.

these days, i ain't know nothing anymore.

and it's better that way. it's for the better. believe that it's for the better....

12 Lotus made me cry!!!

2009-09-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have a few confessions to make:

1. I am secretly addicted to chocolate chip cookies, especially while watching movies.

2. i can finish two large packets of Ruffles, with mayo dippings, while watching any movies

3. I ALWAYS cry from watching movies.

4. its always the oddest things in a movie that stimulate my tear buds.

5. I cried watching Rambo for heaven's sake!

now, after knowing all these dark twisted secret about me, i bet u won't be surprised to learn that i cried, yet again, watching this Singaporean film called '12 Lotus'.

but if u've seen the film, or at least know what its about, you would be.

12 Lotus is the title of a hokkien song, that is usually performed in 'getai' (i think thats how i'm supposed to spell it) or a cabaret-like performance amongst the chinese community, esp during the hungry ghost month.

the movieevolves around the life-story of our female protaganist, from childhood onwards. and yes, she was a 'getai' singer. i was very surprised by the way the director brilliantly blended hokkien tunes into the plot of the film. and how small small details are given the proper attention, that they managed to touched deep far corners in my heart taht hadn't been reached by other films. some might argue that the plot is of a cliche and melodramatic sort. but think again, isn't that what's all our lives about? whether you like to admit it or not.

i spent the entire night, laughing, and crying with thecharacters. and trust me, if my hokkien is fluent enough, i would even be singing with them.

and some scenes are just so beautifully shot, they practically took my breath away!!!

so if you haven't seen this film, get a hold of it and SEE IT!!!

last but not least, i would like to quote from the film ;)

"Without love, there wouldn't be pain.
Without pain, there wouldn't be love."

so simple, yet so true.

an update.... for keeping sake

2009-09-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Feeling less lethargic lately. have loads to do, but am still picking up more things to do. dealing with work as i should, pick up charcoal sketching again after such a long time, keeping myself fit and toned by going to the gym more often, even writing a short play. who needs people when you can do all these by urself rite, heheh(dry)

relationship wise, i've decided to let go. i've always knew that not everything will always go the way we want them to, esp things like this. so i've told myself to stop looking, and let it find you instead. just don't stop believing. everyone needs a reason to wake up to, and that reason is the person that will walk beside you for the rest of your life, down the aisle or not. and along the way i will make friends, good friends or average friends, but still, friends.

social life wise, i'm fed-up with most of the ppl who i thought were my friends all along. some of them just seriously need an attitude change. sit down and thjink people. think of how i've treated you as a friend, and think back on how you've treated me back. like what someone told me lastnite: 'you could never go wrong by putting yourself in other people's shoes' So sit down and at least be willing to spare me some thoughts, or else, what we had is not worth keeping, and i'll be more that glad to say goodbye.

it's true what Woo Ming Jin's short film character says:
'This is a big city, but sometimes it's the loneliest place.'

Resuming life as a passenger

2009-09-06T05:08:00.000-07:00

when i was young(as in kiddy young) i'm always the one who would not bicker with my siblings over who gets to seat in the front seat of my father's old ferrari. rather, i would volunteer to sit at the back, preferably by the window.

then i would roll down the window and rest my elbow on the window frame, and my chin on top of it. wind would be blowing across my face as my father 'speed' through the familiar roads. my eyes would be rolling left-right-p-down, scanning and taking in everything i could see. my sisters would be complaining that the wind is too strong and its messing their hair up, but duh... like i care?

then, as i grew up, all the cars i've ever sat in got airconditioning. naturally, i no longer have an excuse to roll down the window. i would glance at the world outside and realize that somehow, everything seems to have lost its lushes colour through the thin layer of tinted glass. i yearn to reach my hand out and touch, but am afraid of being lashed for blotching the car window with my dirty fingers.

as time goes by, i started to pay less attention to what is outside the car window. instead, i would constantly be sitting in the front seat of the car and staring straight ahead of the road, or scrutinizing every single detail of the auto's interior(or the driver's)

then, i became a driver myself, chances to look at the sceneries outside became even more scarce. slowly, i forgot how to 'see' and 'appreciate' the sceneries outside. the many many little beauty that are placed around us. i learnt to obey the rules (or rather law) of life, set by others. like: focus on the road, do not be distracted by things outside, stare straight ahead, and only ahead, glance at the rear mirror occasionally.... the more i obey and practice all these, the more i forget about the importance of stopping and seeing the things around me. the more i drive ahead, the more i loose track of the things and people that passes by beside me.

but thankfully, i got a gentle reminder a few weeks ago. as i crashed my car into the back of a lorry, and practically shattered the front part of my car, eventhough i manage to get out of the car(after they pull the door off) without a scratch. the first thought that came to my panic mind was... NO! not flashes of life or white lights, or any other things of that sort! it was "WHAT AM I GOING TO DRIVE FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!!!" and i also didn't fail to pester the tow-truck driver with my concern, keep asking whether they can get it fixed within days instead of weeks or months.

but now, after a week or so of not driving. instead sitting on the passenger seat of my housemate's car, or the many many taxis that i've splashed my hard-earned money on, i've started to look back out the car window. even though it's still behind the windshield, but i'm beginning to notice the things that i've failed to for all this time.

the way the houses and buildings seem to fly by as people brush across you as you try to focus on the one thing that stands out the most.

the way the trees seems to be swayed by the wind, as if the cars are driving pass too fast, and the leaves would be forming patterns of different shades under the reflection of sun light.

i hate to say this, but not being able to drive hadn't sucked as much as i expected it to.

i'm now seeing the things that i might have lose sight of all these years. and i shall continue to do so, having a reunion with everything i've missed, sitting still in the passenger seat and enjoying the nice view outside.

anybody

2009-08-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

hearts are fluttered, heads are turned
as I rammed him from behind
world pauses and time fluctuated into mere moments
flashes across, my eyes saw nobody
as my chest pressed tightly upon
nobody...

life looses its pulse as mine fades away
lying battered on a familiar bed
I sigh at the thought of seeing nobody
when all I could think about is you
treading around in a dream that's too small
but nobody?

looking out of a window of spring
as the last leaf sways from a baron tree
histing at my reluctance to see clearly
that beneath the lushes green over a field of hearts
mine shall beat harder and harder for nobody
nobody but you.

the turning point

2009-08-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

I am sick. I am dying. I don't have much time left.

easy phrases, sounds dramatic, but isn't it true for everyone?

I just really need to change. i'm tired of living my remaining days for others, its time i do things that i've always wanted to do. starting from today. i aim to please no one but myself. i aim to be no one but myself. i aim to do things differently and turn over a new leaf.

wait, forget bout the fucking leaf... i'm buying an entirely new god damn book!

so this is me. happy, and alone.

go on

2009-08-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

keep on walking.

cause when you turn around, looking for me.

i won't be there anymore.

ain't leaving on a jet plane, ain't moving on to the next destination.

it's just a heart that grew cold, can no longer be ignited by any flame.

thoughts...

2009-08-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

something's gotten into me for the past few days. can't seem to phrase myself properly or willfully.

can't seem to convey what i want to, but seem to utter(spatter) out entirely different things.

my mind seems to not be with me anymore.

how can that be? all this while i thought its supposed to be an attached part. but then, people don't say 'lose my mind' for no good reason do they?

i don't think about you as much anymore. not every minute of the day. its less frequent now.

but you in my thoughts, why can't you just leave me alone, walk out of my head and close the door behind you.

i hate the fact that when i'm with others, all i could think of was you.

its unfair to them, unfair to me, and unfair to you.

as i shall refrain myself from doing so.

but for one last moment, of long sleepless night, i shall indulge myself, in thinking of you...

a view

2009-08-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

another one of those not-so-good day. was feverish the whole day, felt completely worn out as life carries on itself.

'you can pull through, its a breeze.' had become a mantra that i chant to myself repeatedly at times as such. even when i loose focus of the main points of all these, and the ultimate end that awaits.

'why do you push yourself to do all these? when you know that in the end it won't make any difference?' as pessimism question the self while spinning the steering wheel.

'its not about creating differences or altering what's bound to happen. it's not! it's about making things better, making others see that things can be better before all hope is lost....'

'whatever!' pessimism sneered as i swiped another corner.

give me more time.

**********************************************************

was walking in Atrea when saw a familiar face sitting in a restaurant, chatting away with friends. keep on walking as uncertainty reeks. as i walked on, a voice called out to me. i turned around and got a big warm embrace, tight with the warmth that can vibrate out all the solemness in anyone.

it was her. we chatted briefly and i learnt that she's all grown up and now working hard to strive for her dreams.
'Teacher'. its a name that i haven't been called for a fairly long time. I miss it, so much.

*********************************************************

was driving home, after meeting up with a friend and catching up on each others lives. suddenly don't feel like returning to that empty room where coldness echoes and lonesomeness lingers.

instead of a U turn, i keep on going. drove on, through the horrendous traffic and nerve-breaking jam of an inwardly dead city.

it was almost dark when i reached the place. sky was a mellow mauve as i stare at the lights beneath, that flickered one after another.

my thoughts flew, to the grape flavoured candy that was placed on my desk yesterday. i thought i'm over that, grew out of that. but still, nightmare haunts. the helplessness unwrapped and fear consumes. i wish, i wish for a delete button.

Isn't so?

2009-08-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

Even if
I sit here silent
It’s louder than you’d imagined
The feelings that can't be annunciated
The way that happiness tingles when you’re around
While I indulge my thoughts in pictures of hands gripping tight
But a noxious way of loving this teetering thin line
When in your thoughts I’m invisible
Mere another amongst the rest
A dwelling soul
Even so

Void

2009-08-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

when feelings don't reciprocate. what would you do.

would you keep telling yourself to rise above, and be 'omni-container', take in everything and cherish what you can?
but what if this container is not heat resistant, not alcohol tolerant, not heartache insusceptible?
what if each moment of containing, taking things in, makes you feel even emptier inside. makes the void in heart grow, expand as you lie awake but not functioning.
how would it make you feel if u spent every moment of the day, even when you're with others, wondering what that person is doing, and how their day is?
FOOLISH! STUBBORN FOOL! that's all you are. you should not be so anymore. do anything you can to not be so! escape if you must!
there's not much faith left for you to be drying out. the warmth on the pillow is running out.
you know what your heart wants. just because you can't word them does not mean that you're uncertain of it.

so what? what are you doing, stalling, straddling along a fence that has not opening end, nor a line that will ever be erased.

go. go when its time to go. you know that its time, and its not enough to just keep repeating that to yourself over and over each day.
actions. actions, they speak louder than words, mere thoughts.
take your heart off the platter. tie a ribbon around it, and hang it around your neck, across where it should be. it belongs to you, don't leave it out in the rain and under the glaring sun.

so ON YOUR MARK! GET SET! GO!

开始懂了Kai-Shi-Dong-Ler(beginning to realize)

2009-07-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

i'm listening to Stephanie Sun again. gosh... thats a sign that i'm not right somewhere, somehow again.
just spent the entire nite vomiting out every single thing i eaten today, that makes a plate of fried noodle, and some scrambled eggs. still feel like vomiting, but there's nothing else to vomit. i hate vomiting, always had always will. could this please be the last and only time i have to?
i hope i will stay healthy longer.

blogger's nice to me tonight, maybe its taking pity in my pain. can't seem to get any shuteye, uneasiness.

am trying to be more appreciative of each day. each day is priceless. each person i get to meet every hour of the day is priceless.

fun, fun is something i want to experience while i still can. before everything degenerates and loose control.

love, love is something i want to show and emphasize more. they won't know it unless you say it, so say 'I love you' more often.

pain, pain is something i will eventually get used to. get used to it already!

a letter to you

2009-07-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

Dear you,

I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking and waiting for possibilities.
You told me not to expect anything from this friendship, but its really hard for me to do so when you treat me the way that you do. i tried to overlook this feeling, but it builts up and takes over my rationale and all logic.

call me a sucker for nice-ness, i don't care, just please treat me like crap.

I thank you for helping me find my old self again, the one that i've been hoping to be reunited with for such a long time. I am grateful for that, I really am.
but the old me, he falls easily, and he gets hurt easily. he's optimistic and this may be the opposite of what you need to survive in our world today.

so you, if you are just going to dig him up, and let him fall prey to the vicious vultures that awaits salivating, then please stop.

dear you, saying gudnt my fren would not provide me with a great peaceful night of sweet dreams. stresssing on how nice and kind i am, will not make a difference in how disappointed i am in certain things and people. neither would doing a vanishing act when i really need someone to talk to, to share my grief on the sadness of the world.

you, you told me about the world. you make me look forward to the world. but am i merely a medium for you to channel your frustrated wisdom? or am i a little brother that you genuinely care for and hope to set apart from the rest?

dear you, you say you are still pining for that person. you ask me whether its silly for you to wake up every morning missing someone's face. i blabbered, as always. when all i really wanted to say was that, i wish that someone was me.

you, and only you, I am not meant for things like this. as you've said, i deserve someone who love and treat me as good if not more than the person I am. so you, I am turning away. I am giving this, what ever it is that we have between us away.

you, i am pulling myself away. i need to pull myself away while its still fully attached.
I care about you and i really hope that i can be there to ensure that you will be okay. but honestly my heart can't afford to let me do so.

so this is me saying a slow goodbye. (add waving gesture)

goodbye you. i wish you all the best and hope you will be granted your heart desire, even if that desire will never be me.

With all my....(tick whichever relevant)
Love
Friendship

His empty cup and my untouched drinks.

2009-06-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

I just spent the last two hours spilling my guts out to a stranger.
we sat opposite each other, me a nervous wreck and him comfortable in his black shirt and jeans.
somehow, something he said left a deep impression in me: "you are not superman, you can't save everyone."

is that what i've been trying to do all this time?
or am i merely trying to save myself from the heartbreak of seeing people around me fall apart.

well, either way, he's right. and what he said made me realized a few things that i haven't been able to see all this while.

I am not a good person, never thought i was one, never think i could be one. but i'm not a bad person either.

i'm just a person, out of the many many persons trying to lead their live. scrapping my way through the many aspects of live, forming bonds and leaving impressions or impacts on each other.
what kind of impact or impression, is up to the reverse interpretation of the company.

but tonight, i became a person who likes neither coffee nor tea, and a person with too much baggage to put down.

i hate being that person. i really do.

depression: choice or a state of mind?

2009-06-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

Depression.
a very common word that we would often hear, at least on a weekly basis.
but lately, its been in my day to day vocab context.
not to worry, i'm not gonna go ahead and write a 7000 words post on how depressed i am.
instead, i'm going to talk about the state of depression, generally.

to begin with, according to the Medical Encyclopedia, it can be defined as a medical illness in which a perso has the feeling of sadness, discouragement, and a lack of self-worth. the main causes for this specific form of illness can be:

Changes within the family
Chronic pain and illness
Difficulty getting around
Frustration with memory loss
Loss of a spouse or close friend
Trouble adapting to a life change such as moving from a home to a retirement facility

okay, enough with the book stuff. lets talk about the public's perception of this topic. overall, depression is viewed as equivalent to mental illnesses, a.k.a craziness. when a person shows the symptoms of going through depression, or merely a rough patch, people surrounding him or her would immediately jump to the conclusion that this particular person has lost or is loosing his or her sanity. the instant reaction that follows this conclusion(assumption) would be to keep a certain distance from this person and go around informing everyone to do exactly the same thing.

now come the 54 thousand dollar question: Is this the right thing to do?

well, i am confirmative that many would defend their actions by claiming that this is for the sake of both party, the depressed individual and themselves. some would even go to the extend of outlining proofs or evidence that support their actions, such as 'we lack the medical practice to handle such people, hence we might worsen their condition' or 'we might end up being the next columbine or virginia tech'. truth to be told, we cannot put the full blame on these people wanting to clean their own asses. selfishness is after all one of the natural attributes that had escaped the Pandora's box.

but if everyone shares the same attitude, mindset and prejudice towards these people, where does that leave us? and most importantly, where does that leave them? most of us would fail to see that the symptoms, or the ways the depressed express themselves are already a cry for help. would we let a drowning person sink, or would we dive into the spine-chilling water to drag them onto shore, or should we at least throw them a life-jackett?

yes, i agree that some of us may not know how to swim or even float ourselves. but should that prevent us from at least running around screaming for help?

so, no, we cannot turn a blind eye on these people. these people who are reaching out for help, yearning for the slightest hint of attention from others. because if we do, we might want to refrain ourselves from reading tomorrow's headlines. I know i would.

Questions?

2009-06-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

Would you want my heart
If I told you it was broken
Deeply wounded and stiched all over
Void of touch and tender joy?

Would you touch my cheeks
If you can feel my fear
Frozen by drips of dripple tears
Soaked by yearning for another?

Would you hold my hand
If it still carries the warmth of others
Dampened by kisses of yesterday
But now numb weeping in disgust?

Would you see my sorrow
If everyone else is blinded
By the upwardly curved lips
Not seeing the bleeding wounds underneath?

Would you not leave me
If you finally realize that I am flawed
By nothing but human nature
And a desire to love and be loved?

an update

2009-06-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

I am.

that practically sums up how life's evolving for me hitherto.

not getting much, but loosing a lot. not going nowhere, reaching anywhere neither.

am surprise at how being alone isn't that hard outwardly, but immensely drowning inside.

appear alright but know that am burning from the coldness inside.

sigh, why am i so melancholic? wait a sec, i am melancholic(according to a personality test at least)

but no, i'm not giving in.

life has more to ofer, of that i am firm.

Its all about adapting, to change, physical, emotional, status, just life in general.

when it sucks, i must adapt to the suck-iness. thats the only way it would stop sucking.

so until i manage to do so,

keep it up! I can do it!

Momentarily Forever

2009-05-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

I’ve heard of forever,
In a silent whisper flowing down the streams
As promises trickles down the veins of my heart
Surging waves of your dark hair flows in the summer wind
“There will be spring…”
My lips beam along the honey words
That will eventually be blown into the yellow field.

I’ve heard of forever,
In a staggering time of sonnets and melodic love
As I felt your arms caressing my spine
Moonlit pasture witnesses the kiss that sealed our future
“There will be passionate nights…”
My limbs shiver at your naked chin
That will eventually be caressing curves of another.

I’ve heard of forever,
In an enchanting palace of red roses and hopes
As you hold mine tightly in your hands
Sunlight add sparkles to your ever-after eyes
“The will be only happy endings…”
My thoughts dreaming of our own
That will eventually be cast as pages of a long long time ago.

I’ve heard of forever,
In that place where all souls are reunited and remain so
As you glance at me with that one final breath
Words no longer suffice the lingering,
Embracing warmth of us
My heart shall belong to none
None other than the one who promises me forever

Easiness Doesn't Come Easily

2009-05-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

it wasn't easy.
words just don't cut it.
staring at my life falling into pieces,
feeling the numbness that beats at the next stroke.

it wasn't easy.
nobody ever said it was.
shaping the edges of pieces that won't fit,
cutting the string of tears that cease to cure my pain.

it wasn't easy.
as nothing can never start.
lying asleep as the wound expanded,
taking all of everything in and not over-flowing none.

it wasn't easy.
nothing ever was.
knowing that I'll drag my battered self through,
seeing that nothing can ever stop me....

from seeing the sunlight.

Summer Camp in Summerland

2009-05-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

Photos i managed to capture before the camera went haywire...

Just die a little bit for me...

2009-04-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

I pull myself out of the debris
of endless task and shattered dreams
to stare into a mirrored wall
seeing part of me that belongs to you
dies a little bit each day...

... I watch you cross the endless hall
eyes drained from neither wish nor hope
my thought follows across the picket of corpse
as you place yourself amongst boxes of ice
my soul dies a little bit along with you

I sit untamed by view that passes
drizzling hope replenishes all but me
sighing at the oddness of a yellow dot
amongst all umbrellas as black as death
pieces of me drift, washed away...

... There you sit head rested on blurry window
doleful eyes untainted by dark drizzles outside
i stand across underneath a yellow umbrella
as freezing rain melts my gaze into yours
my heart, it flies to wherever you are

It Breaks

2009-04-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

I live,
I float,
I fix the pieces

You crawl,
You burn,
You break down in tears

He takes,
He steals,
He leaves you empty

She frown,
She scowl,
She makes you hate you

They come,
They go,
They take you away

We meet,
We part,
We shall never be...

Beloved Yee-mui

2009-04-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

Don't look away
The uneasiness is mutual
I want you to see for once
That everyone dies from time to time

Don't say you're sad
Because its mere oblivion
Sitting over a cup of warm coffee
While others are crying over frozen corpses

Don't frown nor sulk
What might seem overly shadowing
Might shift and cast upon
Light that shines the way

Don't shed one tear
For drops are precious
As string of pearls
Clutches at a heart that loves

Just smile a lil' bit
And think for a while,
Not more than a while....

an early morning,

2009-04-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

here i am, exhausted but can't seem to go back to sleep, early on a saturday morning. i'm not really certain for what reason, but it's as if my heart woken me up and my mind tells me to get up and get an early start of the day.
an early start? to be honest, i've never been the morning fresh air, neither the early bird kinda person. saturdays and sundays would usually be the only days when i can repay my sleeping debt and indulge myself in the 'art' of dozing off.
but now, here i am, just finished reading Yiyun-Li's A Thousand Years of Good Prayers(will most definitely re-read it!), and seems to run out of things to do. so decided to actually blog for once. i know, my post would usually be of lousy poems that seems incomprehensible,and those who actually bothers to read them must suffer from chain-yawning and rapid-blinking of drowsy eyes syndrome, but it just seems easier for me to express myself in stanzas rather than sentences.
my itunes is humming Damien Rice's 'Sleep, don't weep', but drops of moisture are falling onto my folded legs....
i can't really remember the last time i cried. i didn't even shed a tear when i received the sullen phone call from my mom last week. it felt awkward for me, not being able to feel and express grief when i was suppose to be flooded by it. but still.... i guess in a way, death doesn't really bothers me anymore. i think the last time i did really shed tears was during the four days i spend at home after the lunar new year. home, for numerous reasons, always makes me cry.
i remember stepping into the room my sister now share with her three children, it was the first time ever since they've shifted there. i was alone and the first thing i saw was big framed wedding photos.... then i saw the pile of books and paper mounting the study tables at the corner, the familiar pillows on the bed, and the rows of family portraits on sidetable. i was suddenly flooded by emotions and burst out in tears....
later time the same day, my sister drove me and the kids over to see brother Liang as it was the mid of the lunar month. as we walked into the cold mosaiced hall facing walls of small wooden stands with names engraved on them, my sister stood in front of us, her hands together, eyes closed, on her knees and lips whispered. my niece bended beside her and did the same thing. i knelt down & put my hands around my nephew, holding each of his tiny hands together, i told him to close his eyes. but they stayed open. "Papa..." he mumbled, as one of his hands broke free from mine and pointed towards a certain part of the wall. i felt a huge lump in my throat, but i held myself together.
then when my sister went downstairs to talk to the care takers of the place, i held my nephew in my arms and stood infront of the wall. my nephew just stared at it, long and hard, his eyes glistening as usual. words started to flow out of me as my whisper echoed in the cold hall. not my words, but merely the ones describing what i could see in the little boy's eyes. the same eyes that stared at me with thousands of questions as i held his then very tiny and shaken hands to sprinkle fresh dirt onto the casket a few months ago. tears were flooding the place, but couldn't seem to control myself anymore.

i guess emotions, sadness, it builds up. and without realising, my capacity for it had expanded.

If Only You'd Follow

2009-04-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

I walk for days
Touching the wind that flies by
Counting the clouds that drift over
Pulling a feeling that grows bitter
A luggage filled by nothing but photographs
As it gets heavier by the steps
Every single piece is a part of me
That I have to discard in order to move ahead
Every single piece contains the you that I remember
That I miss every single step of the way
Tugging at my heart string
I take them out one by one
Shred them into fragments
Into a trail that would lead you to me
A trails that follows me through this long winding road
As you pick every bit of our memory
Collecting parts and parcels that makes us whole
For every single piece of them
Reminds you that I had left
Leaving behind the feelings I thought we'd shared
Turning away from every frame of portraits
That mark our every summer every spring
Leaving behind everything but a heart
That was carved into a tomb of ice
A tomb that I'm carrying along with me
I may have not seen the world as you
You failed to see the region of my heart
Fenced by a believe of red
Laid widespread around you for all this time
If only you’d noticed
If only you’d cared
As I journey into the winters alone
Counting autumn leaves in my shattered dreams
Waiting for you to come and find me here
To bring me back to our home again
Alas the season failed to change
I build my own rainbow out of snow
And spray every colour in my blood
To paint a final picture of joy
To leave a final picture of hope

So please hasten your pace and track me up
Before my last rainbow melts and disappear
Leaving behind but a puddle of wasted heart
Cluttered by nothing but footsteps of yesterday.

grief exit

2009-04-06T10:27:00.001-07:00

The news broke
Quiet silence of a Sunday morning
Deafen me by numbness
Of a feeling yet too familiar
You left, even though I though you never would
Phone rang and tears overflow
But not mine, no longer mine

Since when did
You cease to speak and I listen
Where did time tug away your smile
As I look at you and grinned, silly
We shared candies we shared jokes
All buried as you decided to forget
As I decided to hate and move on

I blame none
No one but you for her death
Horrible horrible thoughts flash
As I whimper beside her casket
She loved me and you took her away
We mattered to her, not you
But you had to, you have to

I don’t see
Why this emotion is storming inside
Can’t apprehend the tears that well
As I work through my day
Like it was a beautiful weather
As you lie there stiff
My cold heart aches, and shatters again.

April 6, 2009 10:26 AM

Just Go and Fuck Yourself!

2009-03-28T04:56:00.000-07:00

So what?
I know what you are thinking,
Staring at me long and hard,
I’ll count to three and you better look away
Before my fist teaches you how to spell manners
Just because you fit in this ridiculously monochrome world
Doesn’t mean my colours are any less appealing than yours
Be it blue, green, orange, red, yellow, purple, or even black
Who are you to say what colour is appropriate for what occasion
You didn’t design the world and made humans from clays
Neither had you walked through valleys and flew over the oceans
So before I decide to put away my education and react to your rudeness
Just fuck off!

Praying for My Love to Come Home

2009-03-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

In the morning, I pray
As the sun warms my eyelids, I'm reborn
Into this comely world of enchanting extravagant
I sit under our warm quilt
Hands together, eyes shut as I see you
Hoping, praying for my love to come home

At noon, I pray
As I go through the rigmaroles of a day
Running endless errands drowning my peace
I sit in front of a desk
Hands together, eyes shut as I hear you
Calling, praying for my love to come home

In the afternoon, I pray
As I drag my limping feet down the unwinding stairs
Drained of any joy or colourful beauty
I rest my forehead on the steering wheel
Hands together, eyes shut as I scent you
Blossoming, praying for my love to come home

In the evening, I pray
As I rest my sole frame on the boastful sofa bed
Stares blank into the screen, lighting the dead living room
I embrace the frozen leather cushion
Hands together, eyes shut as I feel you
Grasping, praying for my love to come home

At night, I pray
As I tug my lifeless self into a bed of ice
Wrap my limbs together, sniffling my dreams away
I pull the moist pillow tighter burying the tears
Hands together, eyes shut as I taste you
Growing, praying for my love to come home

As I die before another tomorrow
My love, come back home
My love, come back home.....

about a boy.... a broken-hearted boy

2009-03-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

a young boy was heart-broken.
he sat on the old wooden bench in the backyard, alone.
he wanted to cry but tears were not coming out.
he was scared, had his tears dried up from too much crying?
panicked, he ran into the kitchen.
the grandmother was making tea:
Come take a sit my dear, and have a warm cup of tea.
the boy sat down and stared
at the smoke rising from the cup of hot tea.
tears started to well, and soon flooded his cheeks.
he looked up at the grandmother's timeless face, asked:
Why can't I see it before grams?
the grandmother smiled:
Because sometimes the eyes are blind my dear,
You have to look with your heart....

How do I kill thee, let me count the ways...

2009-02-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

Your beautiful eyes
They’re shut, locked from light
Shunned from weariness
I sat there, still
Admiring the contour of your neck
Contemplating the various homicidal methods
To put all this, and
Ultimately you
To rest, preferably in gore

Your shapely bosom
Press against the wooden edge
As your velvety hair glissade down your flawless shoulder
Tilted curves greeting the toasts, eggs, and bacons
Are they the same ones clutched in his palms?
Squashed by his blushing prints
As you moaned and squelched
He grunted, my teeth grind
Shuttered windows

Your lips gasp
With pleasure of stiff thrusting
As your ivory nails plunge, screech across
His sly behind, burrowing under
Our tainted sheets, bullet drops
Sweat infiltrating the linens, I stood
Penetrated
Huffing the stench
Of this hussy they call a wife

These veined toned arms
Staunchly grab, fluffy pillow at
Our bedside where you lie
Pushes it, sealing your almond face
Your curvaceous figure convulses
And convulses, convulses
Life stifling out of these wanton mounts
As your toes incurvate for one last time
But not as climactic, I suppose

BLOGS

2009-01-16T19:41:00.000-08:00

here I am, on a saturday morning. woken up, 'refreshed' by a 'good' night sleep, sitting in front of my computer, browsing through my students blogs to make sure they've updated it before, but too tired to leave any comment yet.(maybe i'll do it tomorrow, ey procrastinate?)
sigh, this is the consequences of me 'forcing' my architectural students to keep a weekly study log in the form of a blog, now i have to read one too many blogs every week, haizzz......
anyway, its actually kind of entertaining, and a good way for me to get to know them and get their feedbacks.
hence, to set a good example, i should make updating my blog a weekly habit too!!! muahahahaha.....(dry)
so here it is! i'm gonna try and write an impromptu poem! and make it a vulgar one! hohoho.....

sheets pulled, frame moved
whisper dry, lights dimmed
still, i keep to myself
eyes locked, thoughts running wild

1000 (edited: thanks to 'Polarbear')

2009-01-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

1000

A thousand years
More than thousand days of longing
More than thousand nights of hollow
Incomplete i stood by myself
Waiting for a promise of uncertain realization
Holding on to words that were merely said once
As i continue to wait
Alone and alone

A thousand years
More than thousand hours of hoping
More than thousand minutes of fearing
Everything around me moves by the second
Still like a sculpture welded by time as it passes by
Benumb from the feeling that burns within me
All the more reasons
As i whisper to myself

A thousand sidereal years
A thousand frozen revolutions about the sun
Of thousand days, hours, minutes, seconds
As I picture you
The contour of your face
Your silhouette grows
In every corner of my heart
Trying to piece together the you I thought I knew
The you who's promises i held onto
And will keep holding on
For even if it takes

Another thousand years

if there is a God...

2009-01-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

dear friends, pls watch these videos.
and please please please post them up and circulate them. we need others to know and care, because all of this, is bigger than us, so much bigger.
thank you.

New Year...

2009-01-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

i came home quite late lastnite, around 2.30a.m.
i turned on my monitor, and i saw an IM from a friend of mine.
"Have you heard the bad news?"
My guts tightened and the hair behind my neck just stood on their ends.
something really bad must have happened again, I just couldn't shake that feeling away.
so i called that friend. even though its almost 3am and she's in Singapore.
she was sleeping.
But nothing can ever prepare me for the news that i've got after doing so....
i then spent the whole night tossing and turning in bed, can't even begin to fathom why things like this must happen.
things like these, they don't just hurt you, they utterly change u for life.

I waited and waited until the sun came out, and then until more n more later until i can be sure that if he could get any sleep before dawn, then he would have gotten as much as possible. then i called him.
his voice shattered my heart. he sounded just like her a couple of months ago. life was totally drained from their tired voice, traces of tears and cries were everywhere, filled with the sense of lost and helplessness.
he said he doesn't know what to do now. his mind is completely blank, he can't think, no matter how hard he tries. when he calls my name, its like him calling for help, i know that he needs someone to tell him what to do now, but i can't. i really can't.
i told him to not worry, to let his mind be blank, at times like these, that would be a good thing. and i told him that god has his own plan(even though i am now doubtful whether there is still a God, cause if there is, why is all these bad things happening to all these good people?) his entire family is now safe, they are somewhere far away from us, but safe and sound. he sounded convinced, and i felt a slight relief.
I am very worried about him. because like me, he had always been a joker in front of others, always cracking jokes and making people laugh. but people like us, we 're actually very emotional deep down inside, we just don't want to expose it to others. we're the type of people that will appear cheerful and laugh out loud when we're actually depressed and torn apart inside...

so, God, if you are real, and you are listening, hear me know.
"Please shed some light onto the dark path you've set ahead of my beloved friend. don't let him be alone, because he'd already lost too much. give him the strength that he lack, to hold on and keep living each day the way he used to. shelter him from the preying eyes and the piercing tongue of mindless people around him. make him believe, even for a second that all the pain would eventually go away. take care of uncle and aunty, and the sisters. they were nice people and they deserve to rest in peace. for making him burry his entire family on new year's day, leaving him all alone in this world, you owe him at least that much."

ending

2008-12-10T07:17:00.000-08:00

a petal falls
swirling in the breeze
i lay my right palm, bare
eyes shut tight
it brushes across my right cheek
and fell into my left palm
i grasped my right palm
and my left cheek was wet.

I miss u bitches

2008-11-26T07:47:00.000-08:00

The world's been twisted around me lately. I've been goin' through shits that i've never thought i'd ever have to, well, at least not in the next 50 years or so. still, they came smacking me on the face, upright and forward. sigh.... how i miss the times when life was simpler....
the people around me(that's in a countable noun) had been having a tough time too i perhaps, since we're all dealing with this shitty thing called 'growing-up'. if that's not enough, we get 'responsibility' shafted up our anus and 'commitment' piercing out through our oral cavity(i'm using all this "technical" terms to make my blog more reader friendly, issit freakin' workin?).
nevertheless, we are all at a phase in our lives, where we have to change, and we need to do so. some changes subtle-ly, some choose to be drama queens. well, whatever way it is, it all boils down to the same word--'bloody changes' (make that two words).
not that i'm not digging it, i do. as a matter of fact i'm slowly embracing it, with my two flappy arms, and i hope soon i'll be able to with all four limbs. still, it might take some time.
for starters, i'm starting to set a many new year resolution for myself. and yes! i swear by them and the must be fulfilled before the midnight stroke of 31st december 2009!!! seriously, i'm being dead serious here. sure some of u must be thinking "yet, another one bite the dust..." But NO, i don't want to waste my life away. i don't want to wake up one day and wonder "What in the fucking hell happened to my life?!"
so, yah, i'm gonna live it. and in none other way, than my own way.

well, its been quite some time since i've last blogged, so yeah, i still have to end this with a few poetic lines.

' Life
Sucks, but
I
Rock! '

That's all, thank you for reading ;)

If I can't ?

2008-11-17T06:09:00.000-08:00

How can I be alive
If you are dead
How can I inhale these breaths
If you are cold, stiff without movements
How can I smile nor cry
If you are alone underneath frozen earth
How can I wake up and carry on
If it means leaving you behind

How can I be dead
If you are alive
How can I quit this beating burden
If you are still tied by the blues of the world
How can I lie resting in peace
If i know that every awakening hour is drowning you alive
How can I even look at that brightness
If it means leaving you behind

How can I still be alive
If you are dead
How can I not wish to turn around, catch glimpses of you
If you had never left me deep down inside
How can I not wake up weeping every morning
If I've never seen you in my dreams
How can I not want to leave this
If it means holding your hand again

How can I be dead
If you are still alive
How can I hover above the clouds
If I see you dragging your feet on the ground
How can I even close my eyes
If yours are open and welling, until dawn breaks
How can I not want to go back
If it means holding your hand again

Because I am dead
But you are still alive
Because I might be cold, lifeless
But in you I'll always be warm, alive
Because I want to see your every smile
But I don't want to make you cry
Because I would yearn to stay beside you
So I must live as mere memories and not in your dreams

Because I am still alive
But you are dead
Because I have to get up, live the seconds
While your arms surround me, keeping me warm
Because I have the heartbeats you left behind
And they need me to keep on living, loving
Because these eyelids have to close at night
Even though it means cease remembering and fail to see you in my dreams

My First November

2008-10-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

each moment you blink
my heart skips a beat
never had the sky seems bluer
never had the rainbow so brightly coloured
can oranges be sweeter
can cereal become juicier
breathing you into my lungs
had become a daily necessity
for me to flourish like never before
blooming with the sense of certainty

each moment you smile
another part of myself is revived
never had scornful words seem so meaningless
never had judgmental stares so insignificant
for loosing everything that makes me
is worth for you complete me
love songs now so melodic
all the sonnets now make sense
no sunset can gloom the days
as you promises me all the sunrise

each and every day
each and every day
every waking moment
every single second
every prayer within a smile
every turning within more hopes
cause as cliche as it sounds
you are the missing piece
i've been looking for forever

fragments

2008-10-09T07:07:00.000-07:00

green, yellow, red
sudden halt to a moving beat
staring at the debris of my wrecked self
picking up the pieces
as you rain and gutters the remains of a soul
if i step on a pedestal
would you see me clearer
and remember a forgotten memory
that once meant more than nothing
instead of tucked among yesterdays
lying lifeless between torn photos
scorned under your drizzling vague beliefs
a faint smile thats barely visible
clinging to fragile threads of rays
......
if it takes an eternity
then why can't the beginning be now?

If I'd already Loved You Too Much

2008-09-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

How can i ever love you enough?
If we are meant to be together
But feels so far apart
Two hearts instead of one
Beating at unique paces
Two separate souls, one shouting to be heard
The other deaf and stares at the blue
Can it be that there are two of us
and there will always be?

How can I ever love you enough?
If my grip suffocates you
As your words bruises
All the feelings I've released
If it's space that you demand
And not time that you feel me beside
Differences, we realize
will always be a gap in between
Can I stand closer?

How can I ever love you enough?
If you are nothing but sand
Drifting away from the cracks
of my palm that tries hopefully
To gain a firm grip
At a hollowness that can never be filled
By a misplaced piece of puzzle
Placed by a blind hand
that cracks from loneliness.

i miss this feeling

2008-09-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

1000

A thousand years
More than 365000 days of longing
More than 365000 nights of hollow
Incomplete i stood by myself
Waiting for a promise of uncertain realization
Holding on to words that were only said once
As i continue to wait
Alone and alone

A thousand years
More than 8766000 hours of hoping
More than 525960000 minutes of fearing
Everything around me moves by the second
Still like a sculpture welded by time as it passes by
Benumb from the feeling that burns within me
All the more reasons
As i whisper to myself

A thousand sidereal years
A thousand frozen revolutions about the sun
Of 365 days, 6 hours, 9 minutes, 9.54 seconds
As I picture you together in my mind
The contour of your face

Your silhouette grows
In every corner of my heart
Trying to piece together the you I thought I knew
The you who's promises i held onto till this moment
And will keep holding on to
For even if it takes

Another thousand years

when 3 life-less ppl sit on a lotus

2008-09-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

just got bek frm a long anticipated yam-char session with my sai-mui & yee-mui.
had a tey-tayrek special, malaysian lemon-ice syrup, and malaysian chocolate ice, plus quite a few sticks of heaven.
it just feels really good to be able to sit down n chat with my Christines. and my yee-mui's man-tao jokes really made me laugh. (thanks, i really needed it)
here's a pretty picture i took of the two of'em. sai-mui said its been a very long time since anyone had given her flowers, so i decided to photoshop some for her. n i'm always a fair tailou, so my yee-mui oso got. muahahaha.....

ps: aren't they lovely. the flowers i mean =P

a Second in Forever

2008-09-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

Feels like I've lived forever
Walking the same pebbled flights
Smelling the same stale walls
Touching the same frozen terminus
Wanting to cross over
but prevented by the boundaries you'd placed
right at the corner of your heart

Feels like I've lived forever
For I've seen all the misplaced sadness
Meager emotions stifling my smiles
As tears quenches the coarse sniveling
You sat there by my side
touched me and whispered cotton words
made me believe that the pain would stop

Feels like I've lived forever
Ever since my sight caught your blithe visage
My ears heard your geometrical nose
My mouth spoke of your hazel eyes
My hands felt your full shoulder
As you pulled me closer
and sprinkled stars over my sky
shaping constellations engraved in these pupils
For how can I not remember
Even if I've lived forever

the definition of a happy life.

2008-08-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

someone asked me today,

"Are u happy with your life?"

I know i know, its sounds so cliche. but believe it or not, i can't remember me ever asking myself this question.

so, how did i answer this 54.000 dollar question?

simple, i just smile and said: "If you define living a tasteless life as happy. then yes, i'm indeed very happy."

so how should we define a happy life?
for me, its rather simple:

'To be able to eat whenever i feel hungry.
To be able to laugh whenever i feel happy.
To be able to cry whenever i feel sad.
To be able to sleep whenever i feel tired.
To be able to sing whenever i feel like it.
To be able to hang out with friend and live a bit after a tiring day of dying.
To be able to fine the silver lining of every unpleasant thing.
To be able to see the ones i love and let them know how much i love them.
And, last but not least....
To be able to kiss the person i love, whenever i want to."

now, is that too much to ask for?

Wishing U were Somehow Here Again

2008-08-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

Today should be one of the biggest day of my life. but to be honest, i'm not excited about it. i wanted to pretend to intentionally over sleep, so i can just sleep over it. but due to occupational habits, i automatically woke up when the clock struck eight.

a few weeks ago, when others asked me whether i'm attending my own convocation, i could honestly say that i wasn't sure. i wasn't sure that i could stand there in my robe, watching others being surrounded by their friends and family. i am not sure i can still smile for the camera seeing others being showered by flowers and gifts. i am no that sure i can stop myself from falling back into that pit of darkness that i've been trying so hard to crawl out of, watching others having ALL their loved ones by their side to celebrate the 4 years that they've spent here.

So i decided not to go. but i foolishly let my friend convinced me to do otherwise. i was persuaded to go, saying that i should not miss this once in a lifetime opportunity. by saying that they will be there as my family cheering for me in the hall when i take the long walk on stage. only at that time, i realized how much i was longing to have my family here, all of them.

when i enrolled into this university, i had my mom, sister, brother liang, lee ann, my uncle... all sending me thousand of miles, carrying all my luggage, right into my dorm room. but now that i'm leaving this place, i have no one. infact, it makes me so sad that i've lost some of the people that i love during the time i've spent here, and they don't get to see me, trying to make to make them proud on this day.

i still remember what brother liang said on my first day of uni. we were late for registeration because he had diarrhea due to food poisoning the night before. "we will come again in a convoy after another four years. " i knew that he was just joking, but somehow that gave me the strenght to hold on for the past four years. knowing that this will be over in four years and i will be celebrated like a hero by them for surviving it.

but now, ever since last night, i've been feeling very reluctant to be there for this day. i did not have any hope or expectation for this day at first. but then what my friends said had got me started building up hopes. i was hoping that there will be people there with me, around me if not surrounding me. so i went through all the rigamaroles of applying for my annual leave, taking unpaid leave just to line up outside the hall and waited for hours to pay a ridiculously high rent for the graduation robe. but now, besides chek, all i'll have is just being surrounded by strangers having their own celebrations, and i am truly not a part of them.

what are friends? (if i am allowed to ask this question again) are they just people who say that they are? or are like the ones i saw in the sex and the city movie last nite, supporting u for whoever you are and whatever you do. now i can honest ly say that i don't know. but this is what i wished they were: i wish they would not talk about u behind you and spread lies about every situation. i wish they would put away their own discomfortness and make sure that they are there for one of the biggest day in your life, when u really need them to be, coz for once they should realize that it might be about you too and not always about themselves. i wish that they can stand up for you and defend you when u are sad and upset, since they should be the ones who know you better. i wish that they would forgive and forget all the small bickering and misunderstanding that might happened due to my own inability to communicate feelings and thoughts when i'm going through emotional turmoils. and i wished that they would keep their promise and be there(or at least try to) for you when you need them the most, no matter what.

reality checks in, i have nobody.

bed talk

2008-07-31T08:40:00.000-07:00

its been a pretty mundane week. this week is specifically set for the progress test, so we don't have the usual classes. anyway, i have plenty things to keep me busy, like invigilating the exams, marking test papers, preparing next weeks lessons, and also make serious preparation for my new lower basic class starting next week.

got my first official paycheck today. it isn't much, but still i worked really hard for it. however, after deducting things like household allowances for my parents, rent, debts to be paid, groceries and stuff. i barely have anything left. sad, i know. but i can't expect much with such puny salary.

sigh.....
sigh............
sigh...............................................................................................................................................................

but look on the bright side, i'm gaining valueble experience here. now i'm gaining experience in training international students, next year i'll be handling local students. so, yeah, it would help to build up my resume and stuff. and after that, if i'm still not so happy with the increment, i'll just bit them farewell, in search of greener pastures.

was on the phone with christine just now. we were both bitching about our job. from undergrads, we've turned into underpaid and under appreciated freshgrads. but no matter how much we moan n whine, deep down we know that we are just releasing tension, n we don't really hate it that much. well, maybe a little, heheh....
but sigh, how to make ends meet when ur being paid so little? thought about getting part-times, but i wouldn't want to bite off more than i can swallow wouldn't i?

guess i better stick to the 'roti-for-lunch-regime' that i've going on the past four weeks =(

or would chow-kit be a better option?

ps: i'm expecting a nephew!!!!

ps2: incase ur wondering, the post got it title becoz i was lying on my bed marking exam papers when i got the phonecall from christine =P

what/how i am doing rite now.

2008-07-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

just woke up from a short nap that started around 7.30pm until now, 11pm. and will probably pick up where i left off after i finish this. this is no longer out of the ordinary for me. i've had my fair amounts of 'got-back-from-work-and-just-fall-onto-bed-and-die' those kinda days.

today i spent 9.00am to 3.30 am teaching non-stop, with just two 30 minutes breaks in between. after that, i rushed back to the office for a department meeting for the language center lecturers. the meeting dragged on until 5.30, and i was safely home by 6.00pm.

but really, i've got nothing much to complain about.

offcourse the work is very tiring, with the demanding workload and enormous pressure. off course its intimidating being the only non-master holder(what more the least experienced one)amongst all the other great lecturers. off course the international students are very hard to deal with as language, culture and life style can be a pretty huge barrier, and not to mention most of them are (much) older than me. off course from time to time, i would feel like giving up, stop trying and just pack my stuff and leave everything behind. off course life had become reasonably mundane for me now that working had consumed almost 3/4 of my time(and the 1/4 left i would spend pig-ing away).

but i am counting my blessings. at least i've got a stable job. at least i get pain every month. at least now i can help out with the financial situation of my family. at least i am now one step closer to buying myself a decent car(but i love bein a motorcyclist, except when it rains). at least after six month i will be transfered to the australian matriculation program(AUSMAT) department, but i'm sure i will miss these international students deeply. at least my students are fond of me and enjoy my classes(but they seem toi be showing this in their own ways). at least if things doesn't work out with this job, there will be other prospects out there to fall back on. and last but not least, at least i still have friend that i can always count on for "hey, I'm bored, lets hang out." that kinda things, and many other things(thank u guys).

next week i will start teaching my lower basic classes. i am a bit worried because i heard that it can be quite nerve-wreckingly challenging, and i have really big shoes to fill.

but hey, challenges IS a part of life, and i've survived so far.

so yes, i am growing up, and i'm actually fine with it.

From this

To this....

And this, Zzzzzzzz.....

Orfeo, turn around, Eurydicē

2008-07-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

Put away your misery
Tug away the pain
Stop numbing this with debauchery
Nor let your self it taints

You've witnessed every shatters
You've picked up all the debris
For every one that matters
Leaves shadows scar your iris

A heart filled by nothing
Dampens the light encircles
Their kindness meant for soothing
Scorched pride turns obstacles

Don't shun us from your sadness
Disguised by sardonic sarcasm
Amidst the sorrow lonesomeness
Rest, let us take you to our bosoms
I know that it won't cease hurting
But at least you'll have a shelter for the wounded soul

S.E.L.F.I.S.H.N.E.S.S

2008-07-13T04:48:00.000-07:00

its the end of the weekend, but it still feels like i'm stuck in any other weekdays.

had a restless weekend. spent almost the entire weekend at home alone, in my room. been doing nothing, except goin grocery shopping, watch tv and online.

been doing a lot of thinking too.

sigh...

i've realized that we are alone in this world. no matter what you might think, no matter what others say, no matter how things seem to be, we are still alone. nobody would be there to accompany or help you when you need it. nobody care or worries about you when all you need is a simple 'how are you?' msg. ppl would think and behave like they care, but do they really.

after all, 'self-' in the word 'selfish' does not mean other people. so generally, its safe for me to say that ppl are selfish. they don't see all that u've done for them, be it big things or a lot of small things. when u ask them for help, all that u get thrown at u are reluctant excuses.

i am a person who likes to keep my problems to myself. i do and always do prefer to solve my own problems. so i won't come to you and ask for favours, unless i really need ur help. so, go figure.

maybe its time for me to pick up the same 'selfish' attitude as well. who knows, then they will get a taste of what its like to be alone n helpless.

Karma does goes around you know.

au revoir

2008-07-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

Duck, i used to
From the burning glare
Ruthless comments cuts
As I drown in obsessive thoughts
By no one, but myself
Worrying every minute away

Looks, whispers, sneer...
I used to care about
It used to bug me what you see
Think, says, likings
Now I simper and look away
As you chose to walk out
And i decided to let go

Great times there were
Bad times lingers
If you really saw me
Then this would not be the ending
Words were said, towels were thrown
Still I am the same
inside still the same I am
If only you knew

Wrong was we
To be doing to each other
What we said we wouldn't
But time is endless
unlike our patience
You no longer sees me
And I no longer hear you
Shun from with
I swallow as you break
Decided to journey with others

Retreat
I return to this shell
That i left when i met you
Its still echoing cold inside
But it shields me from the rest
While i seal myself
And revert to a closet
To before it ever started
No longer
Do I know you.

this is so funny...HAHAHAA...

2008-07-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

Why Singapore Girls can never win pageant

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always
ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or
higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years
ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA,
Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked ? simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with
the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruitstarting with the
letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss
Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was
having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!

Living the now.

2008-07-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

(the view from my bedroom window every morning)

it's been quite a long week for me. but so far, i'm feeling like i'm living every minute of it to the fullest. i no longer drift through the whole day asking myself: 'what have i done today?' instead, i wud now constantly ask myself: 'what haven't i done today?'

working life is so far ok for me. i mean, its a lot of pressure and all, but its all worth it. n i dun mean the pay. its da whole process of having to learn or re-learn something before i am actually able to teach it to my classes that makes it all worth it. i am constantly on my toes, learning and revising everything. because i am no longer a student in a university, am no longer a teacher in school. no longer am i suppose to allow myself to barely pull through everyday with the thought of merely pulling my loads. i have responsibilities now, a hell lot of it, n i intend to perform my best.

the challenges are getting more and more nerve-wrecking by the day, and i can feel myself getting stronger and wiser by the day. i know that i will come out from the other end of this, as a whole new better me.

i thank God for opening a window for me. and may this window broaden and becomes a big door for me, n the people i love.

i am truly living my life by the moment. every moment that i get to do something with my life, every moment that i get to spent with my friends and my loved ones, and every moment that i spent with my love. all these moments, make-up a life. and a fairly good one i would propose.

I am living. I can now finally say that without a flinch.

I am truly living.

p.s: today i went out window shopping with Chek and pn.Ki. and the moment i saw this, i just knew that i have to have it in my room, at a corner where i can see it everyday.

and this is how it looks like when i turn the lights off =)

Simply magnificent!

the miles ahead.

2008-06-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

after many nerve-wrecking hardships and soul-searching, i shall no longer idle my life away by continuing to contemplate all the possibilities out there. instead, this time I'm grabbing the bull by its horns(this is the first time I've got it rite, i would always prefer to say 'grabbing the bulls by its balls') and charge straight into the working field.

i told myself that there is no turning back from this one! if it promises you a secured future, then no matter how mentally or physically draining it is, you must cling to your decision and live up to your reputation. stop being this wuss that is afraid to venture into the unknown simply because your worried bout hurting your already wounded self. wounds would eventually heal, it takes time but it does. so what if there's gonna be another cut or two along the path? You've been through much worse, so this is going to be a breeze for you.

kick off this new found negativity in yourself, just because you've seen all the sad ending that happens to the people around you, and witnessed the pain and suffering your loved ones are going through, it doesn't mean that you shan't hope anymore. you should keep on hoping, in fact, you should keep on believing that there are happiness and rewards waiting for those who hope and believe. as long as we can live through all the storms and tornadoes along the way.

You're finding your way. may it not be an easily padded green path, but still, it is a path, your path nonetheless. hence, you better start walking bro. so here I am, putting on my best leather shoes.

bless

2008-06-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

he waited for rain in this long hot drought,
he prays that He will see him cry,
He told him that He did not forget him,
and it rained...

moments of darkness

2008-06-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

this is by far, my favourite quote from a book.

"I don't remember ever once having that feeling, the feeling i so often had afterwards, that empty moment of waking up and dreading the day, of being a stranger, an impostor inside my own skin, scared of my surroundings, sad that i had woken up. One morning, one long gradual morning, i started to wake up without the covers on me, cold, breathing too quickly. That morning lasted four years.

Some days you wake up but there is more sleep in you and you can let yourself drift, wake again, then sleep, picking the moment to open your eyes properly for the first time. You swim against the day, kicking your legs to push away until you are ready to feel it pull you in. Other mornings the more you concentrate on sleep, the less you will. The sheets are too hot, the bed too cold, and the curtains never perfectly closed."

These days, i wake up each day refusing to open my eyes.

warning, this may takes time to load =P

2008-06-20T10:41:00.001-07:00

was idling at home, n just simply browsing through the content of my pc. bump into sum pics that reminds me of the old days, so decided to do a photo post, since it's been ... god knows how long since my last one. so here it goes....

my 1st time on look out point

i bet da cake was covered with our saliva =P

i miss DJ

the best school ever!!!

pn ki, selling her 'twist, lick, n dunk' theory.

me.... erm...either having a headache, or 'mou-ngan-tai'...

i miss how we used to sing our hearts out in cheap karaoke cubicles...

and how we can forget everything after an arcade session.

or a crazy nite-out.

this is good....

but this is better =)

she was hot!!!

the ever so cheerful red...

the ever so controlled ad...

and the ever so leng-cai chek, hohoho...

i actually miss this corridor

one word--'damn painful', no, make that two words.

always be my babies

hope there'll b only sunny days ahead for her

he insisted on waiting for his grandma by the windows...

we had fun.

ermmm.....

food down, weight up.

when ppl's too deaf to listen, u write.

the source of all evil-ish smells, can i jus box him up n throw'em into the river?

this picture makes me sad =(

where we go to when it rains in bkt bintang.

i love this pic, its so colourful albeit the weather...

i prefer candid =P

Rings any bell?

yup! dr sue's class(L.Of.L)

we would nvr be too old to camwhore ;)

so nice!!!

i think he's gonna grow up to be quite a heart-breaker.

jangan pandang belakang, pandang tepi.

jaysern took this, and he's only 2!

my nephew took this pic, and she smiled for him.

we miss him.....

a day

2008-06-18T02:38:00.000-07:00

I woke up at eleven, sat on my bed, feeling sad and gloomy. It must be the weather.

then i continue to sit on my bed. then i..... continue to sit on my bed, and ...... continue to sit on my bed....

i'm loosing it. or did i already lost it? i'm trying to live life like any other day, like any other person. but its difficult, it really is. i've lost it, i've completely lost it....

will i ever get it back? i can't help but wonder. and wonder. and wonder.

went for lunch with pn Kong and pn Ki, managed to cheer up a bit. life seems blissfully peaceful for everyone. i'm happy for them. i really am.

got home then, didn't want to sit on the bed no more, so sat on the rug beside my bed. laid my head on the bed, while staring at the only hamster i have left(she's a very tough one, she survived pn. ki, so i think she can survive anything). had a good and mindful conversation with her, then sent her back to her cage. sat on the bed again. put on a movie on my computer, my eyes watching, but my mind is floating elsewhere.

got a call frm christine, listened to her problem, tried to give some sound advise, but mostly failed. she hung up. i continue to sit on the bed.

called chek, he's busy bowling. he hung up. i sat on the bed. turn on my favourite chinese oldies cd. i'm sitting on the bed......

Painting Imagination

2008-06-17T10:42:00.001-07:00

I see,
More than beauty
Blinded by magnificence
Shedding every layer of my heartbeat
As my eyes stunted by all that lies ahead
Awaits.

I feel,
That to go on
Through this journey
I would give everything i own
To gain a place at that destination
Ahead.

I wonder,
What is there
That they promise
But no one had returned
And tell me tales of that dream
Afar.

I wait,
Until my heart
Cramped with disappointment
And utterly numb as I listen to Him
Telling me that there is no place for me there
Always.

I realise,
That i will never
Be a part of the beauty
Of the paradise that You've painted
Even if i give every single breath of my life
Away.

I cry,
Sitting here alone
At this crowded terminal
Everyone boarding, bidding farewell
As I stay left behind all the changes and happiness
'A'.... Stuck at the beginning.