Change

It's time for a change i guess.

New chapters begin. /http://derickps10.tumblr.com/

Things She Left Unsaid

As my steps carefully tread, my eyes catch glimpses of those familiar yellow pebbles. The pebbles that cover the same narrow path that leads to the same place from that distant memory.

Recollections of those few vivid moments that have been haunting me from time to time slowly build up and dwelled in my eyes. I can almost feel her coarse hand tightly gripping mine, clinging on for security, begging for reassurance. There was a pinch of fear and nervousness in her uncomfortably warm and moist grip that was telling me to turn around and insist on going home. But at that time, it wasn’t my decision to make. At least not yet.

I looked up and saw my mother’s cold, stoic face. Then I turned to the side and saw hers, the pasty skin and thousands of uncharted lines. Besides the usual sallowness, the lines around her eyes and mouth creased and bunched up in a way like I’ve never saw before, not even during my mother’s constant scolding of her, either for breaking another plate, or overcooking the cabbages or beef stew.

That was when her eyes meekly rolled and met mine. It was as if she saw right through the worries written on my face, and forced a sorrowful smile that was meant to comfort me. That smile. It was that smile that had haunted me for many years to come.

A smile that says
 “Don’t worry, everything will be all right,”
A smile that says
“I understand that this not what you want, I don’t blame you.”
A smile that says
“I still love you no matter what,”
A smile that will eventually fade into time, seasoned and aged by the bland taste of abandonment.
A smile that drove me to finally return to this place and bring my now demented grandmother home.


I sit there quietly as instructed by the caretaker. The space is filled with the shrill high-pitched noises coming from a bulky old television. I still can’t make out what sort of program was being showed even after few of minutes of forced concentration, but I guess neither can the rest of the people who are sitting in front of the idiot box. Their eyes seem to be aptly focused on the television screen, but their minds seem to be utterly absent from the room, hiding far far away at some better places or in some better times.

I can almost see her now, sitting amongst these aging faces, some older than the others, staring blankly at a space that is occupied by nothing, not a single shred of fond memories, nor any hope for the future.

I wonder how many of them share her condition. How many of them are actually spared the thought and sense of betrayal, as they are abandoned here to grow old and fade away as if their existence never mattered to anyone. To slowly burn out in isolation and desolation, merely because they are considered an inconvenience to the people they’ve loved and cared for with their precious youth and limitless patience.

My eyes shift from one face to another, trying to imagine and comprehend the kind of thoughts that might inhibit their minds.
Are they fond recollections of beautiful memories surrounded by white picket fences, green carpet grass and red checkered tablecloths?
Are they of the afternoon sun reflecting on freckled faces of innocent smiles and colourful rainbows reflected on soap bubbles?
Or, are they instead the cold frozen views of the blue crescent moon through these wooden window panes?
Are they the fading silhouettes of love and familiarity that now seem too far away to be real?
Would they be the very same thoughts that is harbouring in whatever space that is left in her vastly decaying mind?

My train of thoughts is hailed to a stop, “Here she is, Mr. J,”

I turn around to see her, that same frail petite frame wrapped in a grey shawl. Her eyes blankly staring at my left, even though her body is being held leaning towards my right. The caretaker, Miss T’s left hand was wrapped around her bony shoulders, gripping a little too tight as the brittle fabric creases underneath her crooked nails.
For a minute I stand there, deciphering the moment, uncertain of my next movement. As I take a few steps closer, I catch a whiff of a garlicky stench.

As Miss T’s hand loosen, I gently places mine on those withering shoulders.
“Grandma… It’s me,” despite my shivering voice, my eyes were determined to get the attention of hers.
Slowly, I turn and direct her towards me.
“Grandma,” my voice louder and my tone firmer this time, “it’s me, J,”
Her eyes idly shifted left and right, seemingly oblivion to everything that is right in front of her.
“I don’t think she understands what you’re saying, she doesn’t even know who… you…”
A sharp glare from me instantly instils hesitation into her words.
I pull a nearby chair closer and gently sit her down. This time, I say nothing. I just gaze at her wondering face, anticipating a shred of recognition. Something, anything to show me that she is still in there, that she still remembers me. That despite the time here, my grandmother is still within my reach.

But her eyes remain as vacant as the galaxy without a glisten of awareness. Regardless of how hard I try to stir and rake something up, they remain as deserted as a playground at dusk.

Upon realizing that it would take more than a few minutes of effort to restore what had been sedentary for two decades, I turn to the nurse and ask “What do I need to do in order to take her home?”

My question, like a bolt from the blue, seems to spark a glimmer of astonishment in Miss T. But she instantly regains her composure and instructs me to follow her to the counter to fill-in and sign a few necessary documents, while grandma continues to sit there, floating about indefinitely.

As the car pulls into the front porch of our somewhat decrepit house, I turn and take a good look at her. My mind can’t help but wonder, if not for her dementia, would she be excited to return to the same house where she married the man of her family’s choice, then bore and raised his children.

I swiftly kill the engine and walk over to lead her out of the passenger’s seat. Now, under the afternoon sun, the clothes on her seem to come alive with colour and texture. Still, no amount of sunlight seems to be enough to bring life to those ghoulish eyes of hers.

With a tiny bag stuffed with her personal belongings in one hand, I slowly lead her into the house. Auntie Bell, the new maid I’ve hired to help out in the household, hurries over to take her off my hand. I sternly shake my head and hand her the bag instead.

Leading her through the dim corridor seems to be the most natural thing to do. The fading mosaic floor, the somber portraits hanging on both sides, the opulent crystal chandelier that seems out of place at all time; everything seem to piece together at that very moment, as the missing piece of the puzzle had finally return to its rightful place.

Ever since my parents’ passing, and my return to the ancestral home, there has been this unsettling air of decay and chill, hovering and gnawing at every piece of childhood recollection I have of the place. But all that seems to instantly vanish at the sound of her trembling steps, resonating across the high ceiling, filling in all the empty spaces that she left behind twenty years ago.

And for a very brief moment, I can swear I saw a meek smile flashing across her wizened face.

想对你说的话

你还看得见吗
待在你身边的这个我
守护着你我曾经的承诺
小心翼翼的一直守候着
期待你放开回忆里的那个他
让那过份拥挤的心坎里
空出一个专属于我的位置
那些孤独望着漫长夜空的我
不想再紧闭双眼去回想着
你曾一笔一划细述的未来
因这疲惫的身躯
已无法再去承担
更多被抛弃的承诺
和越来越沉重的遗憾
很多事情不是你说了算
而是我终究说一句算了
再算一算你我之间的日子
也许会发现早已所剩无几

你还看得见吗
那和夕阳一起沈入地平线的我
不再期许也不再期待
那迟来的怀疑和认知
逐渐把天真的笑容和信任收起来
不想继续淹没在无止尽的等待里
等待你摘下天上每颗闪亮的星星后
也许会回过头来眷顾的望一眼
地面上被忽略遗忘的那一盏灯
离开不容易,割捨也很难
但委曲求全的去挽留
却比一切一切都还痛
每坠一颗星,每凋一花瓣
每落一粒砂,每掉一滴泪
我从来不奢求,但仅剩的太少
当一个或两个也没分别
我会选择一个人继续孤单下去

If I Write...

I wanted to write about love,

A love so gentle and kind,

A love so generous and forgiving,

It makes butterflies blossom in your stomach,

It makes poets weep in between the lines,

It makes rainbows pale in comparison.

I wanted to write about friendships,

The ones so true that it stay deep within you,

Shades ever so vivid regardless of time,

It lights up the darkest of room, warms up the coldest of heart

It makes even the most cynical

Eager to take a second glance.

I end up writing about lost,

About the tears you shed losing the ones you love,

About the fear that guards and defends your heart,

About the endless time we fall apart and see things shatter and break,

It stumbles people in their steps,

As they push open that creaky door that leads them to that place,

Where drops of tears fall silently as it echoes through the long cold corridors.

I end up writing about this world,

Every brick and stone that piled up around me,

Every path and lane that led me into deceitful beliefs,

Every face that I’ve seen and loved yet soon forgotten,

Footsteps that leads in and out of that sanctuary in your heart,

Every hard cold door that slams on your face again and again,

The very end that everyone seeks but fear to discover.

I’ll never write a story about us,

For our ending is far too cliché and predictable,

Chapters we revisit yet the blank pages remain,

Plots far too complex for words to decipher,

Yet so so easily erased.

Let me write...

Let me put into words,

The sadness of waking up every morning

With a heart filled with loath and bile

Yanking the covers and pounding each step

Without grace and out of spite

To a world that utterly disappoints you

Failing you at every turn and corner

Relinquishing every right you have for a refund

Toddling through the days and years

Wishing you’re at another time and place

Let me put into a song,

The joy of going to bed every night

Pulling the covers over your head

Breathing-in the only tiny sanctuary you can afford

Staring at the warmth that slowly envelopes you

Forgetting about the anger and pain

Towards a world that offers you no spring

Malleable to bitter words and cruel intentions of others

Who are equally sadden and jaded

and at the end of the day stepping out of the world

and timorously hiding underneath the covers

Those Stolen Days

Those stolen days,

Of driving into slavery and laboring my mind and soul away,

In between lines and lines of empty spaces,

Amongst frozen cubicles of dying dreams and meaningless pursues.

Those stolen days,

Of meeting random faces and having languid conversations,

In between free flowing caffeine and nicotine,

Amongst an ocean of banal bodies that yearns for more.

Those stolen days,

Of living up to relentless expectations and empty discussions,

In between fool’s errands and inane remarks,

Amongst nothing but another day of not really living.

Those stolen days.

Those stolen days of mine.

If all those days could be refunded with the wealth I’ve gathered.

Will I ever be able to relive it without a single regret?

Chapter Three

"I used to believe
That love is many things
That love conquers all
Turns caterpillars into butterflies
Turns rain into rainbows
Turns seeds into blossoming bouquets
Turns pain into comfort
Turns two complete strangers
Into the back of each other’s hands"


“Mute little orphan girl! Mute little orphan girl! Poor little mute orphan girl!”

Steadfastly, she keeps walking.
Her eyes dead ahead.
Picking up her pace as the voices around her grew louder and louder, without even a backward glance.

The same corridor, but it now seemed too long winding and never ending.
It’s ironic how the same things and places can give you completely inverse feelings within such a short span of time.

Most of the eyes are on her, some curious, some amused, very few sympathetic.

From the moment she stepped into the classroom this morning, things couldn’t have taken a worse turn. She stood there, silently staring at her feet as the teacher urges her to introduce herself.
“If you’re too shy to say much, then just please tell us your name…”
She continued to stare at her feet. Minutes and minutes passed by.

“You may take a sit then…” She continued to stare at her feet. Until a girl who was sitting at the back of the room stood and walked up to her.
Without a word, she grasped hold of her hand, and quietly lead her to the empty seat beside her.
“Don’t worry, everyone gets nervous on their first day, I’m Daisy by the way,” she smiled while trying to make eye contact with her.
She looked up and saw a yellow sunflower, blossoming and basking in the tender morning sunlight, calm and beautiful right in front of her. She can't help but smile back…

She stood still at the school gate. Her watery eyes looked up from time to time, trying to spot a sight of him walking out of the school building. But whenever she accidentally made eye contact with anyone else, her pupils would shrunk as if coming in contact with glaring bright lights. And as if natural reflects, her face would instantly look down and her eyes back to fixating on the ground and the few strands of dried grass by her feet.
It was during one of those moments that she felt a thick warm palm resting behind her back.
Caught off guard, she quickly shifted her body to a few inches of safe distance away.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you like that,” he said apologetically.
Looking up, she felt a tremendous relieve at the sight of another friendly and familiar face throughout that unusually long day.
And again, she smiled. Vaguely but assertively.



"Love like water
A single stream that flows, calm and quiet
For it runs long, deep, and endless."


“So how was your first day?” He asked during their walk home.
She looked up at him, her grip on the strap of her bag tightens as she tried her best to force out a nonchalant smile.
“Not so great huh,” he said with a knowing smile, though her reaction pulled at his heartstring a little, “no worries, it will get better…” he wasn’t even sure if the reassurance was meant for her or himself.
"That's just how some people are, they tend to reject unfamiliar things. I guess you can call it a natural defense mechanism. Once they get to know the real you, all these other things wouldn't even matter anymore."
she stared at him, wondering if he was actually speaking to her or more to himself.
"Some people, we unconsciously put up a thorny front that would put people off and keep them away from even trying to come close to us. That is our defense mechanism. Like it or not, we can't help it, not after the sort of things we've seen, and felt..."
as his voice gets tinier, his otherwise tall frame seems to have shrunk along with it in her eyes.

Suddenly, for the first time, she had the urge to protect him.
She felt the need to hold him and tell him that things will be fine.
To stop the stream of sorrows and insecurity that had been pooling up underneathe that seemingly cheery disposition of his.

But at that exact moment he turned and looked at her,
"But we'll be alright, you and I. We have each other now, so there's nothing to be worried about. I'll be your friend, your family... I'm your big brother!"
as he grinned and held her hand.

Her heart was filled with the warmth of his words.
But besides that, something else was pulling at her heartstring. Tugging it deep into the pit of her stomach.
She couldn't decide whether it was a good feeling.
She knew she was supposed to feel joy, now that she had someone, she had family.
But why was it that her heart refused to agree with her head?

As she gently placed her left palm on her chest, she could feel the beating, no longer strong and steady, growing weaker, and weaker... Something inside of her was slowly withering and died, as something else took over...