“Xiao-Xiu, where are you? Come out baby, don’t scare mummy anymore. Stop hiding… Xiao-Xiu... “
I am loosing my mind. After receiving the phone call from the landlady Mrs. Lau, telling me that Xiao-Wen is at her place, watching TV and Xiao-Xiu is no where to be seen. I left our vegetable stall to mom and ran back home right away. It’s going to get dark soon, and Xiao-Xiu is petrified of the dark. But I’ve been running around for hours, seems like centuries of running to every place she can possibly be. Still, my little Xiao-Xiu is nowhere to be found.
I’m not angry at Xiao-Wen, I’m just disappointed in her. I’m angry with myself. I trusted her to look after little Xiao-Xiu, whereas I’m the one who should be watching Xiao-Xiu twenty-four seven. What was I thinking? They’re both still too young to look after themselves, what more each other. But I just…. I just had no choice. I have to start training Xiao-wen to take care of her young sister. Xiao-Xiu needs us, she needs us now. But she’s going to need her more than ever in the future. When I’m no longer around, Xiao-Wen’s going to be the only one she has.
I can’t, I can’t leave them like this…. But what other choices do I have. This thing inside my brain is growing faster than the doctors have expected. Now, I’m not that sure whether I’ve made the right decision of not operating on it when the doctor told me that I have a fifty-fifty chance at it. But it seemed so scary then, the thought of no longer being able to be there for my babies, even though Xiao-Xiu was not diagnosed with autism until the age of 5. Denial, I’m always in denial. When Xiao-Xiu never spoke, never played with other children, and always stood alone in the corners tipping her toes, rocking, drifting away to the far wall of the room;
‘It’s okay…. ’ I kept on telling myself it’s okay, ‘She’s just a bit of a slow learner, and she…. She’d rather be alone as the other kids are mean and noisy.’
Maybe that’s why I’ve been spending all my time working so hard lately. I keep on telling myself that I’m just trying my best to save up more money for my daughters before I leave them. But the truth is, I can’t stand facing them, looking at their helplessly innocent faces. Guilt takes over me whenever Xiao-Wen smile at me, or during those recherché moments when Xiao-Xiu actually gaze at me as though she knows who I am and how much love I bear for her. I feel guilty for the sole reason that I’m going to die, I’m going to die and leave them all alone in this world. I will no longer be able to be around them, I will no longer be able to shield Xiao-Xiu from the harshness of the real world, and protect Xiao-Wen from the mere fact that her sister is different from others.
But now, I don’t even know where Xiao-Xiu is.
‘Xiao-Xiu! Come out baby! Its okay to come out baby!” It’s already dark and Xiao-Xiu is still nowhere to be found.
Suddenly, I see a tiny pink sandal beside a trashcan by the roadside. I run forward and pick it up. Its Xiao-Xiu’s, but where is Xiao-Xiu? There she is, bent over, arms gripped around her knees. I rush over and wrap my arms around her.
‘It’s okay baby, mommy’s here now. It’s okay…. ’
I can feel her fragile little body shivering in my embrace.
‘Come find me…. Promise…. Find me….’ Tears glided down my cheeks as these precious spasmodic words come out of her mouth.
‘Mommy found you baby, and mommy will find you…. No matter where you are…. No matter where mommy is…. Mommy will always find you….’ My heart tightens, as if I can feel my own breaths suffocating me inside.
I can never leave my babies. Please god, don’t let me loose them. Don’t let them loose me….
