Monday, June 29, 2009

His empty cup and my untouched drinks.

I just spent the last two hours spilling my guts out to a stranger.
we sat opposite each other, me a nervous wreck and him comfortable in his black shirt and jeans.
somehow, something he said left a deep impression in me: "you are not superman, you can't save everyone."

is that what i've been trying to do all this time?
or am i merely trying to save myself from the heartbreak of seeing people around me fall apart.

well, either way, he's right. and what he said made me realized a few things that i haven't been able to see all this while.

I am not a good person, never thought i was one, never think i could be one. but i'm not a bad person either.

i'm just a person, out of the many many persons trying to lead their live. scrapping my way through the many aspects of live, forming bonds and leaving impressions or impacts on each other.
what kind of impact or impression, is up to the reverse interpretation of the company.

but tonight, i became a person who likes neither coffee nor tea, and a person with too much baggage to put down.

i hate being that person. i really do.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

depression: choice or a state of mind?

a very common word that we would often hear, at least on a weekly basis.
but lately, its been in my day to day vocab context.
not to worry, i'm not gonna go ahead and write a 7000 words post on how depressed i am.
instead, i'm going to talk about the state of depression, generally.

to begin with, according to the Medical Encyclopedia, it can be defined as a medical illness in which a perso has the feeling of sadness, discouragement, and a lack of self-worth. the main causes for this specific form of illness can be:

  • Changes within the family
  • Chronic pain and illness
  • Difficulty getting around
  • Frustration with memory loss
  • Loss of a spouse or close friend
  • Trouble adapting to a life change such as moving from a home to a retirement facility

okay, enough with the book stuff. lets talk about the public's perception of this topic. overall, depression is viewed as equivalent to mental illnesses, a.k.a craziness. when a person shows the symptoms of going through depression, or merely a rough patch, people surrounding him or her would immediately jump to the conclusion that this particular person has lost or is loosing his or her sanity. the instant reaction that follows this conclusion(assumption) would be to keep a certain distance from this person and go around informing everyone to do exactly the same thing.

now come the 54 thousand dollar question: Is this the right thing to do?

well, i am confirmative that many would defend their actions by claiming that this is for the sake of both party, the depressed individual and themselves. some would even go to the extend of outlining proofs or evidence that support their actions, such as 'we lack the medical practice to handle such people, hence we might worsen their condition' or 'we might end up being the next columbine or virginia tech'. truth to be told, we cannot put the full blame on these people wanting to clean their own asses. selfishness is after all one of the natural attributes that had escaped the Pandora's box.

but if everyone shares the same attitude, mindset and prejudice towards these people, where does that leave us? and most importantly, where does that leave them? most of us would fail to see that the symptoms, or the ways the depressed express themselves are already a cry for help. would we let a drowning person sink, or would we dive into the spine-chilling water to drag them onto shore, or should we at least throw them a life-jackett?

yes, i agree that some of us may not know how to swim or even float ourselves. but should that prevent us from at least running around screaming for help?

so, no, we cannot turn a blind eye on these people. these people who are reaching out for help, yearning for the slightest hint of attention from others. because if we do, we might want to refrain ourselves from reading tomorrow's headlines. I know i would.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Would you want my heart
If I told you it was broken
Deeply wounded and stiched all over
Void of touch and tender joy?

Would you touch my cheeks
If you can feel my fear
Frozen by drips of dripple tears
Soaked by yearning for another?

Would you hold my hand
If it still carries the warmth of others
Dampened by kisses of yesterday
But now numb weeping in disgust?

Would you see my sorrow
If everyone else is blinded
By the upwardly curved lips
Not seeing the bleeding wounds underneath?

Would you not leave me
If you finally realize that I am flawed
By nothing but human nature
And a desire to love and be loved?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

an update

I am.

that practically sums up how life's evolving for me hitherto.

not getting much, but loosing a lot. not going nowhere, reaching anywhere neither.

am surprise at how being alone isn't that hard outwardly, but immensely drowning inside.

appear alright but know that am burning from the coldness inside.

sigh, why am i so melancholic? wait a sec, i am melancholic(according to a personality test at least)

but no, i'm not giving in.

life has more to ofer, of that i am firm.

Its all about adapting, to change, physical, emotional, status, just life in general.

when it sucks, i must adapt to the suck-iness. thats the only way it would stop sucking.

so until i manage to do so,

keep it up! I can do it!