Saturday, December 26, 2009

a short note from an insomniac

Lately, haven't been updating my blog as i should. Just don't feel like there's much to write here at this time, might be due to the melancholic fear that lingers at the end of each year, or the mundane realization of a jaded mind.

Anyhow, i did wrote short pieces on this website set up by the british council people. so far i had submitted 2 pieces(the fruit of two particular sleepless night which had the inner writer in me itched to come out) .

so enjoy(or not).


He stands outside, on the balcony.

The rain pours and soaks his wavy hair, the wind pushes his stiff flesh, the storm grows harder and harder, outside and inside of him.

His emotion is numb. Living in this big city so many call home has taken it's toll on him. His body grows stiffer, toughen from all the challenges he faces on a daily basis. But his mind is limp, weaken by the constant worries and doubts. His spirit drowned, as it spirals down a water spout, a vortex of realism.

What's left of his mind wanders off to a time, a time where he still have traces of hopes and dreams rooted in his heart. An ambitious young man, as his friends and family would refer to him as. Now, where did that young man disappear to?

This place. He chose to live in this place because it hides him from the big city. Instead of facing high rising buildings, chaotic billboards, and blinding lights all over, he choose to be facing this piece of green. A mountain of trees surrounding a deep bottomless lake.

It brings him peace, it calms his soul.
He would stand outside for hours. Starring at it, especially during rains. The rain water collected on the mountain top would form a temporary waterfall. And he would stand there and watch, until the waterfall drips it's last drop of water.

Afterward, he has to turn around, step back into the harsh reality. The reality of a world that consumes souls and thoughts, breaks hopes and shatters dreams.

But until then, he remains standing, starring out a a land of green, peace, and serenity....



She sat there. The mug of 'hot-cham' in front of her had ceased to puff thin layer of heat.

Sitting opposite her wasn't the familiar face that's already engraved in her pupils. And that was a fact she was more than aware of.

"You know how people always ask how you are, whether they bump into you on the street, call you, or even drive all the way to your house to check on you? I start to wonder about the kind of answers that they expect to get. Should I just put on a facade front, just smile and nod submissively? Cause by being honest, I would do nothing but stir their worries."

I nodded.

"How can I be fine. I wake up every morning, realising that he's gone. Everything I'm used to, each moment that I knew.... All that is him, their no longer there."

I nodded.

"Two person meet each other, then love each other, becomes an entire life for each other. But when one of them has to go, when one of them isn't there anymore, what is to be of the other one?"

I nodded.

"You know what's worse about having to wake up and continue living your life afterward? It's the distance, it's the distance that hurts. And the pain inflicted by this distance is the same regardless of you being the one leaving, or the one left behind.... It hurts equally. Eternally...."

I nodded. "So what could you possibly do to make yourself okay, to feel better.... When the distance get so big, you feel so far away that you just can't stand it no more?"

I nodded.

"Can I let go, am I allowed to fall.... When there's so many people relying, counting on your well-being?"

I stayed still.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

a weekend with myself

It's a longer weekend. (though would much prefer it to be even LONGER)
But I'm proud to say that i've spent the past three days, almost entirely on my own! No dates, no drinks with friends, no being Mc'Notty, nor any other things of that sort. I, for the first time, am actually comfortable going about doing things on my own. yesterday, i spent the day working at home, then drove out to get some work done, then went for a very late brunch in Bangsar, then walked around and did some light shopping, before i hit the gym. And for once, it didn't feel odd or awkward for me to be doing all these on my own.

i must admit that, while i was having lunch, i looked around and i saw the patrons at other tables, sitting together, with lovers or friends, happily chatting away, or indulging in some PDA, the thought of envy did flashed across my mind. but it was momentary, before i quickly realize that, this is serenity i'm feeling, not envy nor loneliness.

I know I know, some of you should be going "there he goes again.... DENIAL!" by now. but i admit, ever since don't-know-when, i simply forgotten how it was like to be alone. I have some close friends around me who claims that they are very comfortable being alone and they ARE constantly spending their time in solidarity. But who are they kidding? they wouldn't be out & about with others all the time if they do. enough said, its easier to preach than do. so i'm not about to write a sermon here.

but i've vowed to myself, from now on, i'm going to be comfortable being with only myself. I don't need to have plans up to my neck, coz i'm just simply happy being with myself. doing thing that entertains no one but me :) (though i must admit that my idea of entertainment could be perceived as slightly bizarre by others)

I am contented. I may not have much, i may not do much, i may not know much, but i am contented.

may i have more of these optimistic days to come. Cheerio!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Julie & Julia

i haven't read the book yet, but i love the film. the plot is pretty simple, and everything is explained in a clear & specific way. the acting was superb, offcoz coz its meryl streep & amy adams we're talking bout here.

but the thing that attracted me the most was how a simple story of a simple life, can be transformed and entwined with that of sheer mundane excitement. I guess i sort of relate to what the main protaganist is going through: have been leading an eventless life, to the point of losing passion and direction. this was what lead to her revalation. she is far from perfect, self prolaimed bitch, unappreciative of her fantastically understanding partner, and neglects her cat. i'm sure not many would want to even compare themselves to such a character. but oddly, since the beginning of the film, i can't help but sense a connection. its one of those movies that within the first five minutes even, u just know that it would leave a deep impact in you and be life altering to a certain extend.

take it from me, i'm not big about films that show case a lot of 'mouth-watering' food (unless it's pastries!) but this one is simply a must watch!!!

Passion, Ambition, Butter.

Do you have what it takes?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I started writing poetry
The day I met you
Your glances animate words
arranging themselves in verses
Your limbs conjure rhythms
dancing around in stanzas
Your smile inspire dreams
living in poems dedicated to you

I started writing poetry
The day I met you
Your voice enliven imagery
living vividly in your giggles
Your skin elicit metaphors
of lustrous silk cocooning every curve
Your name dream up similes
of our mounting desire for tomorrows

I stopped writing poetry
The day you left me
Eyes tearing as I reread the very verses
marked and scarred by your prints
Hands tearing the same sheets
that recorded our past in black and white
Heart torn as irrepressible thoughts flow
across a map of faded loving verses
that no longer bare meanings, not any more

I stopped writing poetry
The day you left me
The very day I died along
all the imaginations of a life
that wouldn't be complete without
all the punctuations pausing and breaking
as the tip of my pen put all these down
in black and white for you to sing

I stopped writing poetry
The day the phone rang
Another voice bid your goodbyes
as my heart ceased to beat along your flat pulse
Sadness streaming along frozen cheeks
symbolizing the vast inner emptiness
you drew around my poetic world
even if I vowed to stop loving
the day you left me behind
the very day you died.