Monday, October 29, 2007

Life, and nuthing like it.


Life has been pretty shhhiiiittttyyyyyy lately. well, i guess, bad things just cum in sets, one after another, like an endless parade of hooligans, beatin da crap outta me. ARRRRRRR!!!! i so hate my life rite now!!!!!! I HATE THAT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO CHANGE IT REMAINS STAGNANT!!! I HATE HOW THINGS ALWAYS GET FUCKED UP IN THE WORST FUCKING WAYS POSSIBLE!!!


Wokay, sorry for loosing it there, jus had to get it off my chest. (inhaling, exhaling, inhaling again, deep.....) Now, lets talk like the civilized ppl tat we are. (are we?)
actually, life's been pretty static for me lately.(minus da damn fucked up part of it)
i've been spending everyday having insomniac nights(as in bein able to fall asleep only after 5/6am, YES! in da mornin), waking up after noon everyday(almost) and try my best to stuff food into myself to prevent my gastric problem frm gettin even worst than its already is. i will then just lie around da house, on my bed, on my bedrum floor, on the sofa in da living space, but not on da living room's floor coz its seriously dusty! then i wud just watch some tvs, or re-watch some dvds, read, read, read, read..... go online, go offline, then go online again, then offline......

sounds pathetically boring doesn't it. and it is, as a matter of fact, pathetically boring, sigh....

well, enuf of da bad stuff. at least there's sum highlights throughout my bloody boring days. welll, let me see..... ermmmm........

1. The occasional outing for movies, meals or just plain 'long-kai' with my existing friends. although not as often as i would like it to be.

2. The 'goin-out-for-yam-char-and-stuffing-oily-roti-into-our- mouth-until-we-get-sick-and-grow-disgustingly-fat' ritual that i have with my housemates. yeah, this is like the highlights of my days.

3. The random traveling that i get to do with my housemate lately, we're cherishing our final days together(tat came out kinda wrong). we went to a lot places tat we've nvr been to b4 n took crazy photos like its nobody's business (it is nobody's business).

4. Finishing book that i've always wanted to read. although i hate the feeling of finishing a book. i would often stop reading it and put it aside when i've reached the final few pages. i guess i just freakin detest endings.

5. ......

5. .......

5. ..........

5. SHIT!!! i can't think of a five......

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

A Souless Soul

Walking alone in hollowness
Speaking alone in voiceless languages
Eating alone from a fruitless tree
Sleeping alone in an empty bed
Running alone from nothingness
That seems to haunts everything it touches

Is suppose to give me life
Is suppose to give you life
Is suppose to give us life
Then why is it that
This very soul, is dying from lifelessness?

Is it significant for me to feel?
Or is it barely to make me human.
Would i die if i detach myself from it?
The way that i died when you walk away?
Will this soul that aberrates into hallucination
Still be a soul?

That sometimes cries tearlessly
That sometimes weeps when is too lonely
That sometimes hovers without a direction
That sometimes screams but was never heard
That always yearns but shall never be fulfilled

The core of a being that feels
What's hidden deep inside of a soul
Can't be cipher simply by thoughtless words
Can't be fathom by simple hasty minds
Can't be left all alone in the darkness that awaits
A soul, that is

(Here i am, 4a.m in da mornin. sleepless. jus got bek frm watchin Hairspray for the 1, 2, 3, 4.... FOURTH time! heheh.... well, i guess its always best to make full use of sleepless nites, instead of tossing & turning in bed bein pissed off by the 'unable-ness' to sleep =P )

Saturday, October 13, 2007



A thousand years
More than 365000 days of longingness
More than 365000 nights of hollowness
Without completeness i stood by myself
Waiting for a promise of uncertain realization
Holding on to words that was only said once
As i continue to wait
Alone and alone

A thousand years
More than 8766000 hours of hoping
More than 525960000 minutes of fearing
Everything around me moves by the second
Still like a sculpture welded by time as it passes by
Benumb by the feelings that burns from within me
All the more reasons
As i whisper to myself

A thousand sidereal years
A thousand revolution about the sun
Of 365 days, 6 hours, 9 minutes, 9.54 seconds
As I picture you together in my mind
The contour of your face while your silhouette
Grows in every corner of my heart
Trying to piece the you that I once thought I knew
The you that promises i held on till this moment
And will keep holding on to
For even if it takes

Another thousand years

( I wrote this after watchin a Doraemon movie, its funny where we can get our inspiration from, its usually the oddest things in life that inspire us.... )

Friday, October 12, 2007

Bein ALoNe (")(>_<)(")

Loneliness, it may seems like just a word, but it carries with it a much bigger meaning.

It's the kind of words that we don't pay much heed to, right until it smack us right in the face. we can pronounce it or hear it anywhere, but unless we're feeling it inside, it would otherwise carry no significant meaning to us.

and that is exactly my current situation. Am feeling extremely lonely these days. i know that i've been alone for many many years now, so i should be perfectly familiarized or at least gotten used to this feeling, but truth to be told , i'm not, or at least haven't yet at the time being. . . .

just when i thought things can't probably be any worst, i just gotten an sms frm peter canceling our arrangement for tomolo. Sigh.... i am so alone....

i'm trying to look at the bright side of being alone, like i always do, but for the time being, it just seems impossible....

Sunday, October 7, 2007

entry no.59

Have you ever had the feeling that things are not working out the way you've expected them to?

But you know for sure that there is nothing you can do to make them work out the way you want them to.

You get this lurid sensation that is far in lack of any specific definition.

Is it helplessness? or is it just sheer knowledge that things are resulting in a certain way, hence feeling empowered by the knowledge of, well, just simply knowing?

Either way, it is not a great feeling.

I don't really have that many things on my plate right now. but the things that i do have, i want to gain control of.

I want these things to work out the way i want them to. even if the way i want them to work out, is not necessarily the best way some of these things can possibly turn out to be.

But still, i want them to turn out that particular way. i can't give a clear answer if asked why, cause seemingly, valid reasoning is not on the top of my list of priorities at the time being.

So, as a result, even when something is working out in a good way, in a sense that it may be the best way it might ever work out to be; if it is not the way i want it to work out, then i will not abide to it, even if it smack me right on the nose. No can't do.

That is why, i always wonder whether i'm missing out on somethings that might just be 'the things' for me. 'The things' that would alter everything in my life and turn it into a lushest garden of flowers, butterflies, bird chirping all hunky-dory that sort of crap.

But giving that a second thought, what fun would it be? Life is all about expecting the unexpected, even if the unexpected may turn out to be a fat slap on the ass.

Sometimes, it's difficult to decide.

It doesn't matter if you're a compulsive go-getter, or an indecisive nerve-wreck, things just seem to work out in their own ways.

Not the way you expect them to, not the way you expect them to not be the way you've expected them to.

Either way, we're always on the loosing end.

So why worry.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

For Myself.... Dedicated To Adrian & Jerry (^_^)

I and YOU


Sitting there in solitary

Sitting there where I can see you

Flashing me that much needed white

A warm blooming fleur

When I’m flooded by lonesomeness

When the glaring scowl burns my skin

When I can see nobody else around

You are always there, lingering


Flipping through pages of a book

Your mellow voice pronounces

Every single vowels and stresses

As I lie beside staring blankly

Picturing every scene and action

Vividly describing the colours and emotions

While all these pupils can visualize

Am you

Lying warm under a freezing blanket

My left toe touches another

Arms embracing around vulnerable skin

Curtains dance, celebrating nothingness

As I open closed eyes and see you

Breaking out of everything but silence

With prayers of thanks

For you

Found and never lost

It’s you I’ll hold on till the sun finishes its cycle

Even if there’s nothing left in this hollow world

And mercy is a page of yesterday’s history

I shall hold and never let go

Because all I ever ever needed

Am you

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Leaving school.... Resuming life

it has been quite a few dayz since our teaching practice ended (exhale---phewww...) and i believe like me, most of my coursemates had alredy handed in their compilation of the lesson plans for the last three months, signalling the end of all this. honestly, handling my not so thick folder of lesson plans to Pn. Huzaina was like handing Pulau Pinang to Bristish after signing Perjanjian Burney.... errrr, wokay, so i suck at using metaphor. anyway, like i was sayin, its kinda difficult to get use to such an idle life.

am well prep up to start my 'readin-spree'

sumtimes, i wud forget and still worry about wat to teach, or not preparin lesson plans. whenever i see sumthin interestin, i wud want to share it with my kids, hence, i wud be figuring out how to integrate it into lessons in class.... sigh..... i guess i need sum time to adjust to not having to go to school and teach.

so now, here i m. back frm watching Hairspray for
the 3rd time(yes, i'm serious! its just tat gud!) with too much time on my hand, i dunno wat to do. i get panic whenever i think about this three months holidays. WHAT DA HELL AM I GOIN TO DO FOR DA NEXT THREE MONTHS!!!???

well, after serious consideration. the only thing i can think off is to catch up on my reading. i have bought lotz of books for the last few months, that i haven't had the time to read due to my hectic schedule. so now, i guess its finally time for me to lie comfortably in bed, sip a glass of cold ice lemon tea and munch on sum oreos, while flippin through the pages....

so books, jus u wait. i'll ravage ya'all!!!

Monday, October 1, 2007

You're Still Here...


You looked at me and saw what i never could see
You made me be more than i thought i could ever be
Then when i needed a friend you were always there to let me up
To make me strong...

You're not gone, you're..

Still here
With me all the time
You're still here

When I close my eyes
I still see you
I still feel you
And we'll never be apart
You're still here
Still here in my heart
In my heart

Because of you I knew how it felt to be loved
You made me feel beautiful, 'cause you believed i was
And I will never forget how you touched my life
You made me feel like a belonged
You'll live on

All my life
You'll be in my life
You'll be a part of me
I'll just think of you and you'll still be oooh
You'll still be here
Still here
You're with me all the time