Thursday, March 31, 2011

The end?

I've been raised to not bother to give excuse or explanation, unless asked for.
all this while ive been a firm believer that 'It's okay to be misunderstood at the moment, the truth would eventually come out, and you'll be cleared of all the fake accusations that others throw at you at their wimp and fancy.'
I'm also a strong believer of karma. what goes around comes around, so do no harm to others.

But today, my faith was shaken.

for months, i've been going in to the same office that i've been occupying for the last few years. convincing myself that this is where i belong. the things i'm doing are the right things to do, being an educator, even though so underpaid and underappreciated by the management, is still a noble job, and is the best way for me to reach out and help.

and all these while, getting the kind feedbacks from the students whose i thought lives i've touch(one way or another), whose future success i somehow played apart in. the students who comes again and again to visit and pay appreciation to us with kind tokens and words of encouragements. all these kept me going, waking up day by day and drag myself to this dead end job.

even though for the past few months ive been treated unfairly.... no actually its been more than a year. But i didnt mind having heavier workload, coz i look at it as a challenge and learning opportunity, i look at it as a way of respecting a senior co-worker whom i used to look up to as even a motherly figure. so when she again and again put me down infront of the management, or again and again took the credits that i deserved... i kept quiet. as my faith was still firmly attached.
"it doesn't matter whether Jenny or Mr Lee, or even Ms Chan acknowledge whatever it is that you have done.... as long as the students gain from it and appreciate it. as long as they see the heart you put in to do whatever you can for them.'

I've never been a person who is good at sugar-coating, or saying kind encouraging words when what i see is the need to push and give wake-up calls. what angers me the most is clear lack of gratitude and appreciation. Many who are equally or even more deserving does not get the same opportunities as these bunch of students infront of me are given. so when i see that they are not putting in their best and doing justice for the rest who did not get this opportunity, i feel disappointed and that it is a part of my responsibility to push them back on track. hence the nagging, scolding, or sarcastic reminders that i've learned that i'm notorious for.

coming from a line of educators, im well aware of the responsibilities that comes with the job. i might not be as entertaining, humourous, approachable, or loveable(maybe not even likable) as some of the other lecturers, because in my mind i have only one objective: that is to provide as much knowledge and help as i can for the students to succeed in the course. though inbetween i try, to provide some breathing space and entertainment to keep them awake and interested. But studying is learning, and to face the exams you must learn the relevant.

But today i was told that students of mine are saying that i do not teach them anything in my classes, that i expect them to know everything by themselves.

instantaneously, my reality was shattered.

the type of irresponsible teachers that i despise the most... In certain students mind, im one of those teachers....

that is the part that hurts the most.

haven't cried for so long, but driving home from work today i just can't hold it in anymore. cried like a baby who had lost his pacifier, cried like a man who had lost his sense of direction, a person who was just told that his purpose in life was never really real to begin with....

after months of cleaning after other people's mess, letting colleague(s) step all over me, screw me over and backstab me shamelessly, throwing workloads at me while they sit there leisurely browsing the net yet still consistently complains to Jenny, Mr lee and the rest that they have too much work on their hands, shamelessly take my class and credit hours and claim it as theirs on their time-table, pretending to be helpful infront of the boss, offering to help me grade my students papers that is 6 times more than hers(but never did), despite profesional ethics and common courtesy between course sharing colleagues: consulting my students right infront of me(openly challenging my credibility)diminishing my credentials infront of the boss and the department, then afterwards having the guts to openly complain to me that my student keep bothering her.... despite this and that, i bite my lips and tell myself that it worth hanging on to, this is where you belong, nothing matters as long as you're good at what you do. Do not be calculative with those who feels threatened by you. at least there are still equally dedicated colleagues who sees the truth, support you, recognise your hardwork, and cheer u up along the way :') Thanks Miss Say, Caris, Joyce, Mr Lee, Mahdi, JM, and last but not least Effa!!!

but after today.... what else can i hold on to? what else would keep me going?

years of teaching and i take pride in always being recognised as the best in what i do. being showered with good feedbacks and never a complain from all the students ive taught, be it in highschools, tuition centres, language schools, colleges, or english departments.

but that changed today.

and perhaps this change should mark the end of this path for me.

this might not be the first time that i want to leave, but this is definitely the one time that i will no longer be held down by guilt or sense of responsibilities towards the students.

cause they might not realise it, but the damages that they have done to me this time, is beyond repair. perhaps this may serve as the last(or only) lesson i teach them: 'select your words carefully, you might not be able to estimate the damages or hurt you bring others.'

so here's for the many goodbyes to come.

for better or for worse.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

an ode to lost hearts

a gripping sadness
urges tears to the verge
rubbing wet palms against soaked cheeks
lips mouthing endless sorrows
yet no words to be heard

a gasping wound
of blisters and dried blood
leaving you exposed, naked, to die
slowly in the arms of time
yet alive in his heart

a pondering hunger
that misses the long gone
kissing a hand that waves but goodbyes
strike, punch, slap you into oblivion
yet gently nurse your soul to sleep

a lost heart
may never wish to be found
may hide in corners and weep oceans
pumps streams of loneliness into each muscle
yet provide no life nor will to live

a lost heart
does not wish to be found
is not meant to be found
dare not take the risk of being found
yet excites at the mere thought of it.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


It's been way too long since i've written anything here. sometimes when time permits, i would still browse through blogs that i usually visit and try to catch up on what is happening in my friends's lives. It quite saddening actually when come to think that we are alll now so consumed by our own lives and work that we can't even make time for each other anymore. there's no longer that urge or spontaneity of meeting up and hang out just by a mere SMS or phonecall. I miss those times(not in a look-back-in-regret way, but in a positively-reminiscing-good-times kinda way).

I haven't been writing anything here mostly due to the lack of inspiration. gosh, I don't even know when or how did i managed to turn into such uninspired person. i always thought that creativity and imagination are the only innate element in a person that would not be altered by time, but now i guess i have to seriously reconsider that.

on second thought, maybe my fact still does have truth to it(to a certain extend at least). before logging into my much abandoned blogger account, i was reading this blog that i accidentally came across. the blog belongs to a student in his early twenties. there was nothing special or fanciful about his blog, even the lay-outs are as simple as simple could be. but somehow, it reminded me so much of how i used to blog. he blogs as if his blog was an actual journal, and he was putting pen to the pages of it, freely expressing random thoughts and feelings. the credulousness and starkness of his words inspired me to again start scribbling in my journal.

so i guess one never loses his inspiration, he just needs to be reminded of it from time to time.



not been feeling much lately.
unless you consider exhaustion as an emotion..
been feeling so stretched by what is becoming of my work place. people who are unprofessional and lack the initiative nor capability to pull their own loads and dully perform their duties and responsibilities. End up cleaning up mess and take on unnecessary stress that are consequences of these irresponsible parties. don't even have time to fall sick anymore, even when i do fall sick i still drag my sick self to work at the risk of spreading germs around.
but i guess that's work life. you spend your days doing things you'd rather not, and you get paid at the end of the month.
i've learned to accept that. It's just that the people and situation at this place where i've spent a good three years of my life had changed so dramatically that it's no longer conducive for me to stay. it has always been the case that everytime a better offer comes along, asking me to move on, i would be reluctant to leave the students that i have worked with halfway, not to mention the ever so supportive and loving selected few colleagues. but now, all these factors should not serve as an anchor anymore.

The fact that there's nothing to write about my life says a lot.
my life had remained mundane and uneventful for the past three years.
whenever people throw questions like "How's life?" at me, i would always retort with the same answer: "Same old same old."
well, it's no wonder that i really feel like a transformation is in store for me this year, i really need to take a big leap this year, like seriously.
so i'm retaining an open mind no matter what. whatever opportunities come along.