Thursday, April 26, 2007

My Sister is an Angel ( ii )

I don’t have a sister. Her name is Xiao-Xiu. She was born two years after me. If it weren’t for her, mommy wouldn’t have scolded me. If it weren’t for her, mummy wouldn’t have slapped me. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have ended up standing outside the door on a cold and scary night, crying, wishing that all of this didn’t happened, if it weren’t for her.

“How could you push your baby sister like that! How could you hurt her? You should know better, you’re her elder sister!” Tears were scattering from her eyes like one of the water sprinklers I’ve seen in the park.

“I…. I had no choice, they…. They were laughing at her…. Laughing at me! I don’t want her! I don’t want her as my sister! I wish she would just….” Mummy’s right hand flung across the air and landed on my right cheek, my words came to a halt. My left cheek was numb; tears were boiling in my eyes. I restrained my eyelids from any movement, fearing that signs of weakness might dribble down my swelling cheeks and evaporate.

“She hates me….” That was the thought that gone through my mind at that time. Now I knew why she did that. She wanted to prevent me from saying something that I would regret of for the rest of my living days.

There she was again, my sister, standing alone at a corner in the canteen. The other kids were lining up to buy food. But she, she just stood there and stare at the food, as always. I pretended not to see her and joined the queue. Many of the other kids were staring at her, and a few of them were staring at me. Why, why does it made me feel so sheepish and suffocating inside? I stole a glance at her, she was still staring at the food, with the one ringgit note creased up in her palm.

That silly girl, mummy had taught her many times how to buy food at the school canteen, but she still ends up standing there, helpless. A boy who was standing in front of me saw her. He detached himself from the queue and walk right up to her. He bends down, put his hands over his knees, and in a benevolent tone asked her what she wanted to buy. She hauled her head down and shrunk her hands behind her back, as if to stow away the creased note. He smiled and said something to her. This time it made her looked up and smiled. The boy then took her by the hand and lead her to the back of the line.

Afterwards, I saw her sitting together with him. He was looking over her as she happily stuffed her mouth full with the fried bee-hun he bought for her. At that moment, my innocence was washed away, like a sandcastle at eventide.

She was always trouble for me. During class, I would always get called to the staff room. She doesn’t know how to take care of herself, she pees or poops in her pants sometimes, and she pours water all over her school dress the others. Any other way, I’m always the one who gets called over to clean up the mess.

Cleaning up after her was one of the things I dreaded most in school, but I have to do it almost everyday. As I scrubbed her pee stained panties, tears can’t help but scratched my cheeks. Every night, I would stand at the door of the dimly lid bathroom, staring at mummy’s shivering gray silhouette. She always has her back facing me, but I know that she was always crying, as I can hear her muted snivels.

Tears In Heaven

I know that
You know that i miss you
And that worries you
That breaks me into pieces
With that i go through my days
A tear that would never dry

I know that
You know that you're always alive
Floating above clouds that
Passing silently beyond that mountain between us
Casting that long dark silhouette
That forever separates us

You know that
I know thoughts that inhabit you
That utter disappointment
Inflicted by those hollow souls that haunted you
Pain that you uttered to me
In that message which i will never again receive

You know that
I know that you left for a reason
That you seek solemn in His arms
One which nothing that compares
Beneath that clear blue sphere
Among angels that never lie

i noe, i noe, i'm recycling again, heheh...
but i jus miss him suddenly, n this poem was written for him.
Jackson, i really hope that u like this. i'm fine, we're all fine. life's not the same without you, but we're all trying our best to be ok. so stop worrying about us wokay....

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

how i spent my day

today(or shud i say yesterday) , this is how i spent my day.

my exquisite brunch, really enjoyed it. (dunkin donuts, mid valley)

the creepy parkin lot of mid v, after finish watchin "spirit of the victim"midnite show around 2.3oam.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

My Sister is an Angel ( i )

I don’t have a sister. Her name is Xiao-Xiu. She was born two years after me. Ever since she was able to walk, at around 5 years old, she had become a nightmare that I would never wake up from.

There she is again, shouting out her name. Her panicked stricken face, as pale as the day she first found out that her youngest daughter is not like any other normal kids. Why! Why do I have to come along with her! I would prefer to stay at home and watch Wild Thornberrys instead. Why must she blame me for her going missing again? It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t asked to be left in-charged of that silly girl while she’s out helping grandma selling fish at the market!

That stupid girl! Where did she went. I only left for a while to go play with Mei-Mei next door. It’s getting dark, and if we don’t find her soon, mummy’s going to spent the whole night crying and running around looking for her again.

“Xiao-Xiu! Where are you! Don’t be scared, Mommy’s here baby!” We’ve been to everywhere, every park in the neighbourhood, every shops and restaurants nearby. But still she’s nowhere to be found. Everywhere we go, everywhere we ask around about her, people would stare at us. That stare, the same stare they would give us whenever we go out with her. Either when we go to the stores for groceries, to the restaurants for dinner, or even to the playground. People would stare, and then whisper to each other. Their eyes, some of it filled with fear, some of it sneer, and some of it glisten with tears. However they are, I hate them. So I always walk on the other side of mummy, and not stand too close to her.

I still remember this one time in a playground nearby our house, mummy took us there for the afternoon. As usual, I stood far from her to avoid all the unwanted attention. I ran, as fast as I could to the sand box at the far end of the corner. There were already a few other kids there, building a sand castle. Like usual, I just smiled at them and joined in the fun. Then suddenly, I heard one of the kids shout out while pointing out“ Look! It’s one of those big-eyed alien girl!”

My eyes followed her finger towards the direction she was pointing at. There she is, some how she managed to follow me here.

“Hahaha! Look at her! She looks so dumb with her mouth open! Hahaha…. Hahaha….” And all the other kids burst out in laughter.

“Alien girl! Alien girl! Alien girl!” They all shouted like they were at the zoo, looking at one of those Panda bears. But she just stood there, staring at them, smiling, her mouth was opened as usual. She smiled, one of those big-grinned smiles of hers. She must think that they were cheering for her. Her freakishly big eyes rolled as she looked among them, I tried to hide away from them, but it was too late, she already had them fixed on me.

“Jie-jie! Jie-jie!” she screamed in excitement. Hopping on her two feet as she raised up her hands. No, no!

“Look! It’s the alien girl’s jie-jie! Hahaha….” Now all their eyes were pointing at me, so were their fingers. My palms were sweating, my face red from humiliation and anger.

“No! She’s not my sister! I…. I don’t have a stupid alien sister! I Don’t! I…. Don’t!” As I walked forward and push her onto the ground. I really did, with all my strength, I pushed her down onto the cement floor. Silence took over.

Her eyes were wide, even wider than freakishly wide. Her mouth closed. She was staring at me, but I didn’t dare to look her in the eyes. She then sat up straight, trying to stand up. Her palms were bruised, blood were gushing out of them, with the skin wrinkled up at the edge of the wounds. But she just rubbed the blood off on her shirt. Tears were coming out of her big teary eyes; she tried to rub them away too, smearing blood all over her cheeks and nose.

We just stood there, looking at each other. When she suddenly cried out in pain. She ran forward, I felt a thump, and felt her arms around me. The frontal part of my shirt wet from her tears, and I felt her alarmingly wet and warm palms on my back.

Then I saw her, mommy standing not far away. With her hands covering her mouth, whimpering.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Prolific Gunman

I stood there, cold bitterly
Dawning wind piercing the clothes that wrap me
Suffocating, my hands tremble
From fear, adrenaline, will be forever buried
Hatred bare lay in front of my eyes
Behind my conscience, guilt
Failing on me, a step closer
You will do this
You must do this
I told myself, forcing a smile mirthless
Those brats deserve this
An eye for an eye, sneering
Its not in my hand, yours
Red soaking, my mission
Defend the defenceless and stand against despotism
You’ve violated me, my heart vandalized
Soul raped, conscience torched in anguish flame

“This is it, this is where it all ends.
What a life it was, some life.”

An Empty Swing

I remember
Mommy pouring warm water onto my hair
Tears screeching down her cheeks while she clings to her smile
The smell of my favourite shampoo invading my nostrils
Blowing bubbles i imagine us together forever

I remember
Daddy tearing me away from mommy
As i try my best to hold on to the end of her soaked T-shirt
Mommy sobs furiously while i call out to her
Daddy never dares to look me in the eyes

I remember
Daddy turning his back walking out the door
Leaving me behind sobbing, staring vacantly
At an empty space that seems too big to be true
I wanted to run after him but trapped on a wrinkled palm

I don't remember
Walking on the beach
With daddy and mommy on each side of me
Laughing as they pull my arms and swing me high into the blue sky

I don't remember
Looking back at the footprints
Two pairs of big ones and another tiny one
Around the sandcastle we built our dreams around

I realize
I would not see mommy and daddy for a long time
That our sandcastle would eventually dissapear along the tide
House of cards would crumbles down, falling to pieces

I feel
Lost in this place i am a stranger to
Deceived by the sweet smell of strawberry shampoo
helpless as i lie under a blanket of onions
Incomplete as it's a part of me that i'll never recover
The human swing, will swing no more

actually, i've posted this on my old blog before a long time ago. but recently, i joined an online poetry group n posted it there. i've got a few comments, n sum of it jus made my day, heheh.... who doesn't like to be told tat they've did a good job rite? i noe, i noe, wats i'm gonna do next is very extremely vain, but who cares, this is a free country rite? =p

I don't have any grammatical or writing style critique for you but I want to just say that personally I really liked it.

I liked the comparison of the reality, and the dreams. Then your analysis and the conclusion. I prefer single spacing because it is easier to read on here...but I enjoyed the read anyway.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

OMG! more pic! is tat possible?.... ur Damn rite it is!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

my favourite

Juz incase u can't figure out wat these are, they're strawberry candy!!
my favourite since i was in form 2 i think, haven't had them in quite a long time dy. nvr thought can still be reunited with them, sob... sob... so emotional =)

(u can get them in mid-v, at the candy cottage, bit expensive here but worth every penny)

more pics(frm geok ping's cam)

Sunday, April 15, 2007



A slaughtered tree on a barren field

Naked branches, wither into carpet

A leaf detached from its nest

Swirl, twirl, whirl under a leaden breath

Watching yellow ribbons dancing mutely

As the sand falls until the last grain


Sitting dried on a forbidding bench

Staring vacantly at auroral light

Condescending words shivers along

The piercing wind that invades mercilessly

Tip of a stare shivers down the core

Dawn me into perception I denied all along


Scattering pieces helplessly left behind

An unfinished puzzle wails for attention

Unwanted debris left for time to annihilate

Years, hours, minutes gone as seconds drip

Unframed memory dims into dark shades of gray

Resuscitate by traces of unsolicited reminiscent

CrAcKs UpOn HeArTs: TPS: (1)

“I never realized when it all started, when did everything become the way they are, when did all the pieces fall into place, when did I let my guard down, or when did you creep into that secluded corner of my heart and built yourself a warm little cottage.”

I sat still. The curtains danced in turmoil under the hostile wind.

But I sat still.

I sat stii. The dark clouds collided with each other and roared in pain.

But I sat still.

I sat still. The trees trembled as the thunderous storm approached.

But I sat still.

I sat still. The hefty raindrops smashed upon the glass window, creating an unsettling symphony of piercing reverberation.

But I sat still.

Why? How? What? Like building blocks, questions piles up around my turbulent conscience. Are you still you, because that does not seems possible right now. I can think of hundreds explanation for all this, but none seems to fit into the gap at the moment. At least none that can correlate logic with truth. I can solve any complex math problems; I can give the exact answer to any calculus, trigonometry, statistic, or even arithmetic questions. But I can’t, I can’t think of a logical answer for what you have done.

Was there a problem between us that I failed to discern of and solve in time to avoid this dreadful actuality? Lately, nothing seems to be peculiar about the way we reciprocate each other. You seemed to be the same loving, optimistic and lucid person that I fell in love with 7 years ago. Remember that day? When you approached me in our favorite place? You said you’ve noticed that I was always there at the same time everyday, sitting at the same place, reading the same book and drinking the same coffee. I smiled. Although I was very nervous, I smiled. With the faintest of confidence, I asked you the same question. I can still remember the strained expression that stripped you of that annoyingly assertive grin you have on your face, reveling a childlike smile accompanied by an untainted pink over your blushing cheeks. That was when I fell in love with you, for the first time.

What happened? What could have possibly happened that would drive you to do such a ghastly thing? This morning you were sitting there just right in front of me, eating the scramble eggs and tuna sandwich that I’ve prepared for you, just like any other day. The way you hold the fresh moist sandwich between your fingers stirs something inside of me. I follow the route on your face, along your dark bushy eyebrows, down your straight erected nose, and to your think but stout lips. After finishing your breakfast, I smiled as you give me that contented smile of yours and told me to stop staring at you while you eat.

I sat there as you pack up documents and carefully place them into the suitcase I bought for you as your 32nd birthday present. The leather on it seems to crease by years of heavy workloads carrying your bits and bobs, unlike you who appears to look the same to me even after all these years. I took a few quick steps towards you as you were putting on your black leather shoes, grabbed hold of the dangling necktie that seems to hinder your breathing and pulled it towards myself. You didn’t looked surprise as I pecked on your freshly shaved cheek. With your eyes fixed on me, I blushed. I felt your thick palm behind me as you pulled me into your strong arms. I was frigid, worried that I might wrinkle up your freshly ironed shirt. But I can’t resist your insistent as I felt your hands moving lower and lower down my back.

“Wait for me, I’ll come back early…” You rustled beside my left ear.

Now here I am, sitting right here, waiting for someone, who will never return. How could you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this? Answer me! I demand answers! But all I get is a dead piece of silence.

I never should have picked up the phone… should have known better when I reached for its cold and shinny surface of horrid brown. I should have just let it ring…. Rang…. rang…. And rang, until it gives up and spare me of that atrocious news.

“This is the police station calling to inform you that Mr. Andrew passed away this afternoon. He committed suicide after shooting and killing his secretary….”

“Now everything seems to be falling into places.”

FREE AT LAST!! ermmm... not reali laa...

YEEHAH!!! i've finished my language of literature(shortform its LOL, n tats wat i'm doin rite now) assignment dy!!!!after about a day of slaving n endless toiling(actually, more than 70% of da time i spent goin online cos i damn miss da internet, uploading pics, chatting....etc)in front of the computer, finally i produced around 8 pages of essay(instead of 10-15pgs as required, but who cares). now, its safe to say, MY DAYS ARE ASSIGNMENTS FREE!!!

heheh, da first thing i did was to go out yam char with peter n geok ping. quite coincidentally, after i finish my assignment n typing the references, they called n invite me to yam char since their place got black-out. i couldn't have planned it better myself. heheh...

so now, after drinkin a glass of teh tarik special n eatin 3 roti canai, i feel like i'm in heaven dy....
now its time to watch dvd!!! hooorah!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

a heart wrenching song--- SWAN by UNKLE BOB

By my side,
You’ll never be.
By my side,
You’ll never be.
Cos I’m fake at the seams,
I’m lost in my dreams.
I want you to know,
That I can’t let you go.
And you’re never coming home again,
And you’re never coming home again.
By my side,
You’ll never be.
By my side,
You’ll never be.
I wanted to tell you I’d changed.
I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time.
But I see you, you see me,
I see you, you see me,
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again

isn't the lyric just simply heart-breaking. actually i came across this song in my fav tv series-- Grey's Anatomy. this song was played in the background in one of the most touching scenes of the season--- where Izzy can and the spirit of her dead fiance Denny can sense each other's presence when they walk past each other on the hallway. although they are in different realm and are separated by death, that is the only thing they have left(of each other) they can't see each other, but they can feel each other. what they have left, are 'moments'. the more i listen to it, the more and more fond i grew to it. its one of those songs that would stick in ur mind and refuse to go away for a long long time. so try download it frm itune, trust me, you'll like it(or at least not hate it). you can also click on the link below:

tesl pre-TP gathering

well, as i promised, here r sum of the pics i took yesterday,hope you folks like them. if any1 wants all of it, jus pass me ur flashdrive, wokay. n d others who hav taken pics oso, pls share.