Monday, October 26, 2009


I lie there
Fully conscious
Sensory intensified
Bludgeoned, My skull
Smashed into hundred ten pieces
Flaming blood splashes across
A faithful face I trust
A face too familiar
Yet so distant with cold
A face that's alive
But so near to my death

I lie there
Fully conscious
Dumbfounded, My trust
Breached by the obsolete kindness
I once showed to you and your kind
As my eye gape in terror
A pair of bloody hands
Along many many other hands
Smashing and slashing
Every drop of life
Out of every single inch of my flesh

Where is the knowing that should be guiding the gullible
Where is the strong that should be protecting the weak
Where is the civilised that should be enlightening the innocent
Where is the merciful that should be loving the forgotten
Where is the tall and mighty that should be sheltering the rest

If killing me is merely a sport
Than my tomorrow will be the prize to pay

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Damn, its gonna be November soon!

I just spent the past 45 minutes, lying on bed, biting my nails, squeezing my brain juice, trying to scribble down a list of ambitious, yet reachable new year resolutions. i don't usually put a lot of thoughts to this sort of things, but since i'm already a quarter of a century old, and will be evn more ancient next year, so i guess its about time i do.

sigh... it does makes me so depressed going through the things that i'm suppose to have done or achieved by now, but failed to do so. procrastination, thou shall no longer be thy companion.

my list, so far has 5 items on it. but some of it are too personal, that i shan't share it here.

(M chugging down a cup noodle while writing this, BAD HABIT! well, forgiven considering i only had two subway sandwiches for the entire day. plus, i gymed today!!!)

gosh, i suddenly miss home. haven't been home for more than 6 months now. i miss the mother who would sit infront of the tv and watch sappy movies or drama and cry together with me. i miss the father who would send me the same text FOUR times at 2/3a.m. waking me up just to tell me not to stay up late coz its bad for my health!!! I miss my babies!!! Lee Ann who should be pretty tall by now, JaySern who constantly call me up asking for candy, and Wayne Hern who should be able to run around by now. can't wait to see them and run around with them all day long!!!

sigh.... now time for my last doze of meds!!!

Life. oh life.

Friday, October 16, 2009

15 confessions

1. i'm a huge fan of Britney, Mariah, Shakira and wonderpets!

2. I collect children's book, especially beautifully illustrated ones.

3. I cry and eat Mc'D sundaes when i'm sad. highest record so far would be 6 sundaes in a row.

4. I love romantic comedies.

5. I don not plan ahead, especially when it comes to life. live the minute, free yet reckless.

6. I can be extremely short-tempered at times, and tend to say or do things that i would regret of later on.

7. I try my best not to feel regret of what had been done, as its obviously pointless.

8. I'm extremely clumsy and absent-minded. You won't believe my track record.

9. Insecurity is my Achilles's heel, I lack confident and is extremely afraid of being alone.

10. I had only one serious relationshiop before, and it lasted for 2 years, but was only good for one. It dragged on as i refused to see the truth.

11. I like teaching. I like to do a lot of things actually. but socializing is not one of them.


I don't believe in relationship anymore.

but i am constantly in fear of missing out on love and the one, then growing old and dying alone.

13. I hate people who lie to me. i will never give my full trust to someone who does so, even once.

14. I'm secretly self-destructive, and self contradictory. Afraid of being alone, yet enjoy solidarity, hence, keep a safe distance from everyone.

15. I might say otherwise, but i think watching movies alone is the saddest thing on earth.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

this over-rated thing call love

I remember hearing from someone, or is it somewhere, that love completes a person's life.
and being the usual naive and easily influence blond that i am, i took it up word for word. i believed in it, and i held on to it as a sort of mantra of my life.

ever since then, i've been constantly looking over my shoulder, left and right, constantly on the look out, in case my true love might be passing me by, in fear that within the blink of an eye i might miss out on it.

keep telling myself that 'you'll never know for sure who is the one, unless you've put in everything you have and tried your best.' and i did, put myself in it, whole-heartedly, each and every time. and it is always the case, that each and every time, my heart was returned to me, battered and worn. 'at least you can now know for sure that it's not the one, so you can continue looking for the right one' and i smile, a bitter heart.

now, after a quarter of a century, after a few heartbreaks and failed relationships, after seeing the perfect persons turn into the complete strangers, i should change.

i should no longer believe in this cliche thing call 'LOVE'.
i should not wear my heart on my sleeves and expose myself to be scratched and wounded.
i should just sneer and say 'fuck love! who needs it when they can just settle for carefree sex and life'
i should shouldn't i?


should I?

people are inconsistent. as i've witnessed throughout my years living with them. they can say one thing and mean another. they can promise something, then go do others. they can appear to be your true friend at one time, then turn their back on you the next.

so how can i trust? who can i trust? who should i trust with something so important as my heart. because once its beating stop, so will I.

should i trust someone who say that they will try and not break it? or should i trust some one who promise to keep it together with their own and lock it up forever, imprison it with theirs.

frankly, i do not know.

these days, i ain't know nothing anymore.

and it's better that way. it's for the better. believe that it's for the better....