anybody

hearts are fluttered, heads are turned
as I rammed him from behind
world pauses and time fluctuated into mere moments
flashes across, my eyes saw nobody
as my chest pressed tightly upon
nobody...

life looses its pulse as mine fades away
lying battered on a familiar bed
I sigh at the thought of seeing nobody
when all I could think about is you
treading around in a dream that's too small
but nobody?

looking out of a window of spring
as the last leaf sways from a baron tree
histing at my reluctance to see clearly
that beneath the lushes green over a field of hearts
mine shall beat harder and harder for nobody
nobody but you.

the turning point

I am sick. I am dying. I don't have much time left.

easy phrases, sounds dramatic, but isn't it true for everyone?


I just really need to change. i'm tired of living my remaining days for others, its time i do things that i've always wanted to do. starting from today. i aim to please no one but myself. i aim to be no one but myself. i aim to do things differently and turn over a new leaf.

wait, forget bout the fucking leaf... i'm buying an entirely new god damn book!

so this is me. happy, and alone.

go on

keep on walking.

cause when you turn around, looking for me.

i won't be there anymore.

ain't leaving on a jet plane, ain't moving on to the next destination.

it's just a heart that grew cold, can no longer be ignited by any flame.

thoughts...

something's gotten into me for the past few days. can't seem to phrase myself properly or willfully.

can't seem to convey what i want to, but seem to utter(spatter) out entirely different things.

my mind seems to not be with me anymore.

how can that be? all this while i thought its supposed to be an attached part. but then, people don't say 'lose my mind' for no good reason do they?

i don't think about you as much anymore. not every minute of the day. its less frequent now.

but you in my thoughts, why can't you just leave me alone, walk out of my head and close the door behind you.

i hate the fact that when i'm with others, all i could think of was you.

its unfair to them, unfair to me, and unfair to you.

as i shall refrain myself from doing so.

but for one last moment, of long sleepless night, i shall indulge myself, in thinking of you...

a view

another one of those not-so-good day. was feverish the whole day, felt completely worn out as life carries on itself.

'you can pull through, its a breeze.' had become a mantra that i chant to myself repeatedly at times as such. even when i loose focus of the main points of all these, and the ultimate end that awaits.

'why do you push yourself to do all these? when you know that in the end it won't make any difference?' as pessimism question the self while spinning the steering wheel.

'its not about creating differences or altering what's bound to happen. it's not! it's about making things better, making others see that things can be better before all hope is lost....'

'whatever!' pessimism sneered as i swiped another corner.

give me more time.

**********************************************************

was walking in Atrea when saw a familiar face sitting in a restaurant, chatting away with friends. keep on walking as uncertainty reeks. as i walked on, a voice called out to me. i turned around and got a big warm embrace, tight with the warmth that can vibrate out all the solemness in anyone.

it was her. we chatted briefly and i learnt that she's all grown up and now working hard to strive for her dreams.
'Teacher'. its a name that i haven't been called for a fairly long time. I miss it, so much.

*********************************************************

was driving home, after meeting up with a friend and catching up on each others lives. suddenly don't feel like returning to that empty room where coldness echoes and lonesomeness lingers.

instead of a U turn, i keep on going. drove on, through the horrendous traffic and nerve-breaking jam of an inwardly dead city.

it was almost dark when i reached the place. sky was a mellow mauve as i stare at the lights beneath, that flickered one after another.

my thoughts flew, to the grape flavoured candy that was placed on my desk yesterday. i thought i'm over that, grew out of that. but still, nightmare haunts. the helplessness unwrapped and fear consumes. i wish, i wish for a delete button.

Isn't so?

Even if
I sit here silent
It’s louder than you’d imagined
The feelings that can't be annunciated
The way that happiness tingles when you’re around
While I indulge my thoughts in pictures of hands gripping tight
But a noxious way of loving this teetering thin line
When in your thoughts I’m invisible
Mere another amongst the rest
A dwelling soul
Even so

Void

when feelings don't reciprocate. what would you do.

would you keep telling yourself to rise above, and be 'omni-container', take in everything and cherish what you can?
but what if this container is not heat resistant, not alcohol tolerant, not heartache insusceptible?
what if each moment of containing, taking things in, makes you feel even emptier inside. makes the void in heart grow, expand as you lie awake but not functioning.
how would it make you feel if u spent every moment of the day, even when you're with others, wondering what that person is doing, and how their day is?
FOOLISH! STUBBORN FOOL! that's all you are. you should not be so anymore. do anything you can to not be so! escape if you must!
there's not much faith left for you to be drying out. the warmth on the pillow is running out.
you know what your heart wants. just because you can't word them does not mean that you're uncertain of it.

so what? what are you doing, stalling, straddling along a fence that has not opening end, nor a line that will ever be erased.

go. go when its time to go. you know that its time, and its not enough to just keep repeating that to yourself over and over each day.
actions. actions, they speak louder than words, mere thoughts.
take your heart off the platter. tie a ribbon around it, and hang it around your neck, across where it should be. it belongs to you, don't leave it out in the rain and under the glaring sun.

so ON YOUR MARK! GET SET! GO!