Mr. Lonely

Watching TV alone is dull. Lazing on the couch & reading alone is boring. Sitting in a restaurant and taking your meals alone is pathetic. Working out at the gym alone is depressing. Sipping a cup of hot caramel macchiato alone in starbucks on a rainy night is pitiful.Lying alone in bed afterwards is lonesome. Waking up alone staring at the vastness of your bed is saddening. Being alone is lonely. Being alone is tough.

That is what i constantly tell myself while going through the rigmaroles of a day.

Since when did i become this creature that dreads solidarity. Since when did that boy who walks around on his own doing everything alone turn into this stranger who is constantly scared of being alone.

Is being on your own that hard? At 25, is it absolutely crutial for me to have a constant companion to share everything with, & to create new memories with?

These questions puzzle me.

Yet, i ponder over and over again over the validity of having companionship for the sake of companionship.

A friend questioned me last night: Would it be wrong to be with someone for reasons other than love?

My answer: No, it's not wrong. It's a materialistic world out there, so at time we need to be realistic. Security secures love. And if you sincerely love & care for someone, you would do everything in your power to provide them that.

But before i fell asleep, it strucks me: Would I settle for a love-less relationship? Regardless whether love comes before of after the relationship, would I still insist on it?

just questions, & more questions. Sigh, an idle mind thinks too much.

Memoir of a Devil Child

If the title of the post manage to catch your attention, then it has served its purpose well :)



seriously, lately i've been far from a devilish, demonic, villainous, or any form of evil for that matter. I've been a really really good boy. (Grin!)



the days have been mundane, yet eventful at the same time. let me elaborate. there's no more classes as the AUSMAT-ians had survived their external exams, and i don't get to see their cute faces on a daily basis anymore. but still, i have to be at the office regadless. plus, we have our hands full with the preparation for the graduation ceremony, and revamping the syllabus for the new batch. i have to cut out and exclude a lot of things that i love and am passionate about. but still, i'm more than willing to. coz after all, its about the students, and not me :( Although i would so much prefer it the other way around.



I've been trying to work out more, and am miraculously losing weight and fat!!! YAY!!! now, i'm like 2 inches closer to my 4 packs!!! muahahaha(see, i'm not that greedy afterall la Addy :P)

(17-11-2009)
the first half of the post was drafted the previous week.
************************************************************************

since the last post, i've been working out.... 1...2....3....4....., only ONCE. been feeling lethargic and not really in the mood of going anywhere or doing anything. Went & watched A Christmas Carol 3D with a friend, but ended up blanking out through the show. due to the boring-ness of the show, and the not-so-extravagant 3D effects. IOW, its over rated. sigh... was hoping to have something that would cheer me up and pick my mood up before going for the Prom Nite. wouldn't want to show up all melancholic & sour-faced. Guess that didn't work.

arrived at the Prom thingy late, due to the freaking jam. plus, my Canary's air conditioning decided to bail on me, so was sweating through the 1 and a half hour jam. (and winding down the car window didn't help at all).

the function was......(Deleted.... Deleted..... Deleted.....)
thankfully i was seated at the 'entertaining' table. Mahdi cracked loads of jokes that made us laughed our heads off. And if you know me well, then you should know that the sadder i'm feeling, the harder i laugh.

I've always hated functions like these. functions that serves as a sort of farewell ritual. a rite of passage for people whose supposedly should be moving on to the next phase in their lives. its all about taking the last photos together, expressing gratitudes, apologizing, and most heart-wrenchingly is saying goodbye.

people are departing. stepping away from the usual rigmaroles of the previous days.

its just so very depressing to say goodbye to people who you are used to, and had became a part of your routine, a part of your life. And i am always not good as saying goodbyes. (being the emotional self that i am) I left early that night, not being able to linger any longer, as emotions might take over. the gloomy clouds over my head might just decide to start pouring.

in the car, i turned the stereo on, maximise the volume, hoping that Mariah would whistle the clouds away. but it didn't work. ended up stopping my car by the roadside to avoid endangering others by me driving under emotional influence.

Saying goodbye is sad, regardless the occasion.

a Single Thought

I sat lonely
Staring at the empty chairs around me
Eyes touch the cold floor
Reflected from the black walls surrounding me
A deep breath
To ease myself from freezing

I thought I found you
The day I saw your face
The way it glistened under the lights
Amongst everyone else that matters
Your soul sounds the most beautiful
Like a birthday song on a winter's night

I lost you
The day you decided to leave
Leave me alone in your past
Stitched together by sadness and tears
Cemented into a mere sculptor
Displayed in your museum of memories

I inhale the wind
That stench from the vast emptiness
You left resonating in our familiar place
Where no longer you sit right in front of me
And smile as I study the contour of your face
And a soul that was so so beautiful.

Long pause, and no answer.

Is this love,
when you wake up thinking of somebody
wondering whether they've awaken
hoping that they are up and thinking about you
too

Is this love,
when the first thing you do
after you've arrived at work
is to text them good morning,have a good day
HUGS!!!

Is this love,
when during lunch time with friends
all you can think and talk about is them
and all you can imagine is them sitting infront of you
darn!

Is this love,
when you hang on to every word they say
even revamp your room according to their liking
and paste floral wallpapers just because they like flowers
sigh....

Is this love,
when on mondays
you are already planning for friday
and how you're gonna be lazing the weekend away
together.

Is this love,
when you can forget everything and everyone else
put your life by the sidelines
for they trump absolutely anything
everything!

Is this love,
when you lose sleep at night
can't seem to shut your eyes for minutes
as they consume you inside out
restless

Is this love,
when you become emotionally inept
poetically dramatic with your words
even when ordering an alluringly provocative grande sized caramel macchiato
extra caramel sauce please.

Is this love?
Well, apparently not.

To Swallow:

Dear Swallow,
Why insist on flying with the rain
When the wind cruel and the water pinches
Soaked through delicate shinny quills
Drenched by the sorrow of morbid tears
Harbinger of heartbreaks that follows after another
Wing gracefully flapped as you swiftly snatched
The next gullible green that comes along
But on your wings you shall stay
Transient as your feathers age with time
And the glossy blue fades into a ghoulish green
The songs once chirped in joy of love
Wilted along the fall of your soulmate
As you shall return in the storm
To the birthnest where you began
And shall end in a forlorn cry
Of a swallow that once knew happiness.

the sweet november

am blogging A LOT lately. just in case ur wondering, i have A LOT of blogs to manage. in fact, just started a new one for my new batch of AUSMAT 2010! Gosh, am so tired of signing in and out of different accounts.

well, at least one good thing came out from me constantly being on blogger. that is i finally get to giving my favourite blog a new look :) Hope you love it as much as i do!

life has been plain lately, painfully plain. work has been paperwork non-stop, preparing and re-preparing for the new semester year is taking its toll on both me and miss chan. we seriously deserve a long break(but would settle for a short one too) and a huge fat ass kicking bonus!!!(please.... pretty please...*puppy eyes*)

social life wise, i'm thankful that i'm surrounded by good friends, great friends that i can always count on to share the ups and downs of life with. I love you guys!!!! HUGS!!!!!

Love wise.... ermmmm..... am hopeful. am hopeful that this someone i'm seeing is worth the rest of my life with. But i can't help but be very careful, cause I really want things to work out and i can't afford to be shattered again. so I AM HOPEFUL. I BELIEVE. And I AM TRYING! ;)

thats all about my life for now. care to tell me about yours? :)

And....

As a constant reminder of....