Alone, and still on my own.

its a tuesday, supposedly da busiest day of the week for me. but here i m, skipping sosiologi class, now sitting infront of a computer in the library's computer lab.

so much had happened for the last few weeks. and unfortunately, almost all of it were unpleasant for me to bear. Life, Family, Friends, or maybe just people generally, had shown me that life itself is not a pleasant thing to go through. i have so many things to say, to so many people, to these people who had done me wrong one way or another. but what scares me is that, i have no words. its like my mind is already numb and cannot perform the duty of verbalizing what i'm feeling inside.

the whole point of me finally updating my blog now, is to voice out all the things that has been burdening me, pulling me down to my lowest point so far. but to my surprise(or shud i be scared shitless?) i'm am, well.... speechless, or at a lost of words if u like to call it that. all that is flasing through my mind rite now are just a few detached sentences, that i will try and essembles them into something.

so, good or bad, this is how i feel...

at times i am happy
at times i am sad
but at times that i am sad
i realise that those times that i was happy
weren't real
and then i'm sad again
when i'm expecting happy times
sadness comes and wipe it away
when i expect sadness
sadness comes in a combo size
so i've learnt
not to expect anything
anymore.

i have friends
i want everyone around me to be my friends
some people are nice
some aren't
but the people who are nice to me
are really the people who are not nice to me
and where does that leave me?
confused between the two?
or shall i just gather all my thoughts
and walk away?
maybe,
maybe i will do
just that.

i have a family
like everyone else
everyone has a family
but everyone has a different family
my family
just happens to be
a part of me that will leave me wondering
where do i belong?

all of these
make up a life
a life i don't like neither want
but all of this
is the life that i have
so all that i can do
is just hold on to all the pieces of my fractured self
and pray for the rest....

FOR YOU...

What Took You So Long.

When the world is quiet,
I hear you.
Barely vibrating the dark cold
Afar yet too familiar
Attune yet sounds distorted
Voice that calls me in my sleep
Haunts every awaking hours
Is that you,
Echoing from every angle of my beat?

When the lights are dimmed,
I see you.
Bodied by nothing but my thoughts
As glaring as a torch
Atone with the feeling we share
The pale hand touches my cheek
Hinting me to shiver no more
Is that you,
Evicting the pain and isolating my fear?

When the Gods are asleep,
I sense you.
Broad shoulders moving in the rain
Approaching mine, soundless
Alone but yet together
The shackles breaking looser
Hell can no longer freeze me
Is that you,
Embracing me as I blind myself from the rest?

When the worlds are asleep,
When the lights are dimmed,
When the Gods are asleep,
I’ll have you.

MY statement

Dried up in a corner

Two poles stiffed from ceaseless waiting

Two windows glared from burning emotions

And a consistent beating

That speaks of nothing but wants

Wants, wants and endless wants

Wanting to be noticed

Wanting to be respected

Wanting to be heard

Wanting to be obeyed

Wanting to be forgiven

Wanting to be admired

Wanting to be loved

Wanting, to be wanted

Words keep pouring out

From my mouth, from your mouth

From all their mouths

All speaking in different languages

Singing in different tunes

Demanding different things

To be done in different ways

Everyone is yelling

But no one is listening

Every tongue is explaining

But no ears are willing to apprehend

Instead of taking a step back

We choose to step on each other’s nerves

Until all the signals drift away

And there’s no longer communication

Even between people who call themselves friends

Is it wrong for different minds to have different thoughts?

Is it not right for two voices to sing different songs?

Is it difficult for two people to agree on one thing?

And is it utterly impossible for us all to just get along?

Why would I want to be on top?

If it means that I have to step over others

Why would I want to stand up front?

If it means pushing others aside

Why would you want all this?

If you know that you’ll eventually be left alone

Standing on a pedestal too high above everyone else

Where your voice reach nothing but yourself

As you embrace yourself and freeze a lonesome death

Is that really what you want?