the lunatic driver who was driving and speeding the vehicle that plunged my brother-in-law into a horrific death just learned about the lost and grief that his carelessness and stupidity caused to a pregnant wife, a seven year old daughter and a two year old son.
how ironic is that?
I wish, how i wish it was him.
The Golden Rules:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.
4. With the answers, give your own comments on how they relate to the questions.
5. Tag 5 people.
am so tired of crying, but tears doesn't seem to be drying out on their own. if crying is healing, than i should be healed. if so, then why am i still hurting so much?.....
Things has been scattering ........... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . here.......... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and.............. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . there....... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lately.
i am getting a smattering of this here, and a smattering of that there. am not really finding the true meaning of life or anything, but at least i have something to make me crawl out of the bed in the morning(or afternoon). life's still as screwed up as it was, but i am determined to get some changes done. still, sometimes, when ur all smile and hyped up, and u've finally found the courage to get up and make a run for it. You stumble. yes, you fall and land flat on your face. that is how the reality i know works. and to be frank, i don't like it.
now the question is, what can i do about it? let me rephrase that: is there anything i can do about it? i've been thinking hard, really really hard. and still the conclusion is still the same, i can't do anything, there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. i can't foresee the unexpected, and neither can i interfere with the course of time. i can't change people's mind, and i can't make myself to be what i'm not.
so where does that leave me? lying on the wooden floor of my room, staring straight into the ceiling while my yellow curtains dance along the movements of the wind. sometimes it veils the steady white infront of me, forbidding me from seeing something that is certain. but instead, conveying the uncertainty that awaits all of us of this world. circling my
thoughts with all the possibilities that comes along with the uncertainty.
but will these possibilities lead us to happiness, lead me to happiness?
there is nothing worst, than a dying heart.
sadness is a very bad feeling. it drains u both physically and mentally. its been a week since he left us, but the impact is still as strong as then. my heart aches everytime i think of how sad my sister must be feeling inside. if i'm feeling the way i m, then it must be zillion times worst for her. i called her up yesterday, n her trembling voice breaks my heart, over and over again. she said she just got back from teaching tuition(she had too as the parents and school are pressuring her to), n she jus arrived home after a 40 minutes drive. but she's still sittin in da car, too tired to get down and climb da long staircase to our house as her baby has been feelin bit stiff inside. i can tell frm her voice that she'd been crying again. although she tells me that everythings ok, but i know for sure that everythings' not ok.
how can things be okay after sumthing like this happened. i know how much they loved each other. i witnessed how they started from love at first sight until they became the most loving couple i've ever known. and brother Liang takes very good care of her. he loved her like she was never loved before. my heart shattered when i saw her condition for the first time after da inciddent. i arrived home at 6am after da long journey back, put down my luggage down n rushed to her room. there she was, lying on the bed, eyes wide awake. she looked at me, but i can tell from her stare that a part of her is no longer there. tears started to stream down her pale cheeks as i sat on the floor beside her and held her cold hands in mine. she broke down n cried, her body trembling and her voice coarse. i can only imagine how much its killing her inside, and i know that she's been holding everything in all this time. while she cried she kept calling his name, and she blames herself for all that had happened. she told me her plans with him, how they are going to move into their new house the week after, how she's been planning to celebrate their 8th anniversary early next month, how he had been so loving and caring towards her throughout the 8 years, how he's anticipating the baby but will never get to see her, and how she's been telling herself that he's ok and will get up and come back to her and the children. . . . and all this, just breaks me over and over and over.
my niece was just lying there, beside her mommy, quietly. tears were quietly slidding down her cheeks too. but she didn't cried. instead, she was patting her mother's shoulder while listening to every words she said. but when i finally manage to get my sister to go up to wash herself before we head to the buddhist center, my niece crawled onto my laps and cried. she cried and shivered, while calling out to her daddy. there's nothing in the world that i wouldn't do to undo everything and make all their pain go away. but i'm helpless as there's nothing i can do. there's really nothing i can do. God was merciless and befall upon them the harshest and cruelest punishment that they've done nothing to deserve.
when i saw my brother Liang, i can't believe that that is him lying in there. i can barely recognise him. i was telling myself that, any minute now, he's going to wake up and get back up on his feet like nothing had happened, and everything's gonna be alright again. but he never did. it wasn't until i held his son's hand and scattered a handful of fresh soil onto his coffin that i realised that i'll never get to see him again. my loving, sweet, and quiet brother. . . .
i was forced to grow up overnight.
My dear Lee Ann,
Don’t hold back
Let your tears flood your untainted cheeks
And rinse away the sadness that veils your eyes
The sorrow that confines
The smile of a seven year old
And the lost that is too great
For a little girl to bear
You lie beside your mommy
As she melts into tears
Calling your daddy over and over again
All that you can do is hold her hand
And tell her not to cry
While I can see that
You are shattering inside out
When no one is around
You run into my lap and hold me tight
Tears streaming, that tiny frame shakes
Deluged by the grieve that may never go away
I put my arms around you and hold you close
I know my little girl needs to cry
Cry, and cry….
I can’t promise that I’ll bring your daddy back
I can’t promise you that this pain will stop
But I know that it will eventually go away
And everything will be all right
Because you’ll always have us
You’ll always have me
So lean on us Lee Ann
And we’ll make everything okay again.
My dear Jay Sern,
I know that in that little mind of yours
A map had been drawn out
Each direction leading to the people around you
Each direction leads you to love and joy
But to lose one, to lose a significant one
Still leaves an eternal scar on you
As you watch as your daddy lies peacefully
Thinking that he’s asleep
And to see the bed he lies in
Being lowered into the ground
As I hold your hand
And scatter a handful of dust onto daddy
Your eyes wide, seeking for answers
Still the truth is too cruel
To be told to my little boy
Who still runs to the door, yelling out daddy
Whenever the doorbell rings
Who only had two of 365 days with daddy
And the rest without his love and care
Who still plays around with daddy’s phone
While having an imaginary conversation with daddy
All we can do is watch and listen helplessly
As we can never apologize enough
For not being able to protect you from all of this
But we promise that we will be your family
We will be your daddies
And make sure that you have what everyone else have
Including the memory of a dad.
My dear baby,
You’re still safely inside your mommy’s womb
Unaware of all the sorrows in the world
Untainted by all the cruelty that awaits
In another 3 months
You will get to see this world
You may never get to hear your daddy’s voice
Or lie asleep warmly in his arms
The way he cradled your brother and sister
But fear not, worry not
There are still many arms opened
Waiting to hold and protect you
When you finally open your eyes.
My dear Jie-Jie,
I am still useless as a brother
That I can’t turn back time and bring him back
That I can’t cure the guilt you have inside for letting him go
That I can’t be by your side every day
And stop this pain from consuming you
But this I can do,
I can wipe your tears and hold your hand
I can remind you to be strong every now and then
I can be there for the four of you whenever you need me
And I can be
Your little brother who loves you the most.
It is not your fault that he followed them
It is not your fault that he went with Him
I know that you still lie awake in bed
Thinking, crying, missing and loving him
I know that you miss the eight years you’ve had with him
I know that you can’t imagine a life without him
I can see the fear in your fatigued eyes
While you gently touch the life he left behind
And it breaks my heart,
Over and over again
He’s still here Jie,
He will always be here
And worry not cause he will wait for you
For you to finish your journey here
And find your love once again.
(Shiau-chin 'Si-fu', this is for you....)
The day breaks
The sun shines
Powdered cheeks caress by the soft breeze
As you put on the most important dress in your life
'This is your day!'
Words whispering around you
As a tear glisten in your eye
But no longer will there be
Any hint of obscurity
Because this is the day
You will belong.
The Footsteps steadfast
The people part
All eyes on no one but you
All thoughts wishing you nothing but joy
As you amble towards him
Your pace gentle yet assured
His smile overflow you with comfort
As you grasp the equally beautiful bouquet
And your lips curved for the spectators
But your heart forever will only smile
For this love of your life.
The music melodic
The Cheer euphonic
But you hear nothing but your heartbeat
As it melds with another
And becomes the single beat of one soul
You lift up your head and blush
As He lift up your veil and stares deep into
Those eyes that promises forever
As "I do." sign-seals this love
And dawns the journey
Of your happily ever after.
(May all the love in the world be with you two, today, tomorrow, and all the other days in your life. Have a blissful marriage.)
