When Angels Cry....

My dear Lee Ann,

Don’t hold back

Let your tears flood your untainted cheeks

And rinse away the sadness that veils your eyes

The sorrow that confines

The smile of a seven year old

And the lost that is too great

For a little girl to bear

You lie beside your mommy

As she melts into tears

Calling your daddy over and over again

All that you can do is hold her hand

And tell her not to cry

While I can see that

You are shattering inside out

When no one is around

You run into my lap and hold me tight

Tears streaming, that tiny frame shakes

Deluged by the grieve that may never go away

I put my arms around you and hold you close

I know my little girl needs to cry

Cry, and cry….

I can’t promise that I’ll bring your daddy back

I can’t promise you that this pain will stop

But I know that it will eventually go away

And everything will be all right

Because you’ll always have us

You’ll always have me

So lean on us Lee Ann

And we’ll make everything okay again.

My dear Jay Sern,

I know that in that little mind of yours

A map had been drawn out

Each direction leading to the people around you

Each direction leads you to love and joy

But to lose one, to lose a significant one

Still leaves an eternal scar on you

As you watch as your daddy lies peacefully

Thinking that he’s asleep

And to see the bed he lies in

Being lowered into the ground

As I hold your hand

And scatter a handful of dust onto daddy

Your eyes wide, seeking for answers

Still the truth is too cruel

To be told to my little boy

Who still runs to the door, yelling out daddy

Whenever the doorbell rings

Who only had two of 365 days with daddy

And the rest without his love and care

Who still plays around with daddy’s phone

While having an imaginary conversation with daddy

All we can do is watch and listen helplessly

As we can never apologize enough

For not being able to protect you from all of this

But we promise that we will be your family

We will be your daddies

And make sure that you have what everyone else have

Including the memory of a dad.

My dear baby,

You’re still safely inside your mommy’s womb

Unaware of all the sorrows in the world

Untainted by all the cruelty that awaits

In another 3 months

You will get to see this world

You may never get to hear your daddy’s voice

Or lie asleep warmly in his arms

The way he cradled your brother and sister

But fear not, worry not

There are still many arms opened

Waiting to hold and protect you

When you finally open your eyes.

My dear Jie-Jie,

I am still useless as a brother

That I can’t turn back time and bring him back

That I can’t cure the guilt you have inside for letting him go

That I can’t be by your side every day

And stop this pain from consuming you

But this I can do,

I can wipe your tears and hold your hand

I can remind you to be strong every now and then

I can be there for the four of you whenever you need me

And I can be

Your little brother who loves you the most.

It is not your fault that he followed them

It is not your fault that he went with Him

I know that you still lie awake in bed

Thinking, crying, missing and loving him

I know that you miss the eight years you’ve had with him

I know that you can’t imagine a life without him

I can see the fear in your fatigued eyes

While you gently touch the life he left behind

And it breaks my heart,

Over and over again

He’s still here Jie,

He will always be here

And worry not cause he will wait for you

For you to finish your journey here

And find your love once again.