Just die a little bit for me...

I pull myself out of the debris
of endless task and shattered dreams
to stare into a mirrored wall
seeing part of me that belongs to you
dies a little bit each day...

... I watch you cross the endless hall
eyes drained from neither wish nor hope
my thought follows across the picket of corpse
as you place yourself amongst boxes of ice
my soul dies a little bit along with you

I sit untamed by view that passes
drizzling hope replenishes all but me
sighing at the oddness of a yellow dot
amongst all umbrellas as black as death
pieces of me drift, washed away...

... There you sit head rested on blurry window
doleful eyes untainted by dark drizzles outside
i stand across underneath a yellow umbrella
as freezing rain melts my gaze into yours
my heart, it flies to wherever you are

It Breaks

I live,
I float,
I fix the pieces

You crawl,
You burn,
You break down in tears

He takes,
He steals,
He leaves you empty

She frown,
She scowl,
She makes you hate you

They come,
They go,
They take you away

We meet,
We part,
We shall never be...

Beloved Yee-mui

Don't look away
The uneasiness is mutual
I want you to see for once
That everyone dies from time to time

Don't say you're sad
Because its mere oblivion
Sitting over a cup of warm coffee
While others are crying over frozen corpses

Don't frown nor sulk
What might seem overly shadowing
Might shift and cast upon
Light that shines the way

Don't shed one tear
For drops are precious
As string of pearls
Clutches at a heart that loves


Just smile a lil' bit
And think for a while,
Not more than a while....

an early morning,

here i am, exhausted but can't seem to go back to sleep, early on a saturday morning. i'm not really certain for what reason, but it's as if my heart woken me up and my mind tells me to get up and get an early start of the day.
an early start? to be honest, i've never been the morning fresh air, neither the early bird kinda person. saturdays and sundays would usually be the only days when i can repay my sleeping debt and indulge myself in the 'art' of dozing off.
but now, here i am, just finished reading Yiyun-Li's A Thousand Years of Good Prayers(will most definitely re-read it!), and seems to run out of things to do. so decided to actually blog for once. i know, my post would usually be of lousy poems that seems incomprehensible,and those who actually bothers to read them must suffer from chain-yawning and rapid-blinking of drowsy eyes syndrome, but it just seems easier for me to express myself in stanzas rather than sentences.
my itunes is humming Damien Rice's 'Sleep, don't weep', but drops of moisture are falling onto my folded legs....
i can't really remember the last time i cried. i didn't even shed a tear when i received the sullen phone call from my mom last week. it felt awkward for me, not being able to feel and express grief when i was suppose to be flooded by it. but still.... i guess in a way, death doesn't really bothers me anymore. i think the last time i did really shed tears was during the four days i spend at home after the lunar new year. home, for numerous reasons, always makes me cry.
i remember stepping into the room my sister now share with her three children, it was the first time ever since they've shifted there. i was alone and the first thing i saw was big framed wedding photos.... then i saw the pile of books and paper mounting the study tables at the corner, the familiar pillows on the bed, and the rows of family portraits on sidetable. i was suddenly flooded by emotions and burst out in tears....
later time the same day, my sister drove me and the kids over to see brother Liang as it was the mid of the lunar month. as we walked into the cold mosaiced hall facing walls of small wooden stands with names engraved on them, my sister stood in front of us, her hands together, eyes closed, on her knees and lips whispered. my niece bended beside her and did the same thing. i knelt down & put my hands around my nephew, holding each of his tiny hands together, i told him to close his eyes. but they stayed open. "Papa..." he mumbled, as one of his hands broke free from mine and pointed towards a certain part of the wall. i felt a huge lump in my throat, but i held myself together.
then when my sister went downstairs to talk to the care takers of the place, i held my nephew in my arms and stood infront of the wall. my nephew just stared at it, long and hard, his eyes glistening as usual. words started to flow out of me as my whisper echoed in the cold hall. not my words, but merely the ones describing what i could see in the little boy's eyes. the same eyes that stared at me with thousands of questions as i held his then very tiny and shaken hands to sprinkle fresh dirt onto the casket a few months ago. tears were flooding the place, but couldn't seem to control myself anymore.


i guess emotions, sadness, it builds up. and without realising, my capacity for it had expanded.

If Only You'd Follow

I walk for days
Touching the wind that flies by
Counting the clouds that drift over
Pulling a feeling that grows bitter
A luggage filled by nothing but photographs
As it gets heavier by the steps
Every single piece is a part of me
That I have to discard in order to move ahead
Every single piece contains the you that I remember
That I miss every single step of the way
Tugging at my heart string
I take them out one by one
Shred them into fragments
Into a trail that would lead you to me
A trails that follows me through this long winding road
As you pick every bit of our memory
Collecting parts and parcels that makes us whole
For every single piece of them
Reminds you that I had left
Leaving behind the feelings I thought we'd shared
Turning away from every frame of portraits
That mark our every summer every spring
Leaving behind everything but a heart
That was carved into a tomb of ice
A tomb that I'm carrying along with me
I may have not seen the world as you
You failed to see the region of my heart
Fenced by a believe of red
Laid widespread around you for all this time
If only you’d noticed
If only you’d cared
As I journey into the winters alone
Counting autumn leaves in my shattered dreams
Waiting for you to come and find me here
To bring me back to our home again
Alas the season failed to change
I build my own rainbow out of snow
And spray every colour in my blood
To paint a final picture of joy
To leave a final picture of hope

So please hasten your pace and track me up
Before my last rainbow melts and disappear
Leaving behind but a puddle of wasted heart
Cluttered by nothing but footsteps of yesterday.

grief exit

The news broke
Quiet silence of a Sunday morning
Deafen me by numbness
Of a feeling yet too familiar
You left, even though I though you never would
Phone rang and tears overflow
But not mine, no longer mine

Since when did
You cease to speak and I listen
Where did time tug away your smile
As I look at you and grinned, silly
We shared candies we shared jokes
All buried as you decided to forget
As I decided to hate and move on

I blame none
No one but you for her death
Horrible horrible thoughts flash
As I whimper beside her casket
She loved me and you took her away
We mattered to her, not you
But you had to, you have to

I don’t see
Why this emotion is storming inside
Can’t apprehend the tears that well
As I work through my day
Like it was a beautiful weather
As you lie there stiff
My cold heart aches, and shatters again.

April 6, 2009 10:26 AM