The Untold Tale of a Mother

i haven't been blogging much lately, coz i'm workin on this mini story. so far, i haven even managed to complete the first chapter, heheh...

i'm postin it here in hope of getting sum feedback frm u guys. feel free to comment.(but please be subtle, i'm fragile, heheh)

i know tat its lengthy, but i wud reali appreciate it if u spare sum time to read it (^_^)

“This is how it’s gonna end okay!”

“I’ll put this gun in your mouth, and you’re gonna say ‘Please’….. and then I’ll pull the trigger, and bam! That’s how its gonna end. We're clear about that.”

***********************************************************************

“Mom! Mom! Take me home! I don’t wanna stay here anymore!”

I could hear the ear-splitting sound of the wheels on her chair, as it rolled in an exceedingly fast movement. It is as if I could see her thin shivery hands kept pressing on the metal wheels, spinning it with all the might that was left in her deteriorating little frame.

“Please mom, don’t leave me here again…. I don’t wanna be here! I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna die here, please… don’t leave me to die here…”

Her voice fainted together with the screeching noise of the metal wheels. I halted my hasty steps. In the fastest movement possible, I wiped away any trace of tears on my face with the left sleeve of my yellow blouse. Before I turned around to face her, I inhaled deeply.

There she was, sitting on her wheelchair, crestfallen. Her fragile framed was shivering from the frail but distinct whimpering. She had always been strong in front of others. Even when she overheard me quarreling with her father, and her own father shouted out that he could no longer stand the burden of supporting a wheelchair-bound daughter. Even when her father walked pass her and right through the door without even looking back. She was as strong as always, approaching me with a forceful smile on her face, whispering that everything will be all right, while tears were sliding down her colourless cheeks. But there she was whimpering, mumbling to herself.

“I don’t wanna die here… Please, don’t leave me here… alone… please…”

I took another deep breath in order to soothe the gush of emotions that was trying to break free from inside of me.

“You’re not gonna die here. Nobody is going to die!”

She slowly lifted her head and stared at me, as if it was the first time she’d ever saw me.

“You’re not gonna die and I’m not leaving you here to die. I’ll come back for you! You just have to stay here for a while. I need you to stay here for a while. But I’ll come back for you.”

I could see her eyes flickered with the faintest sign of hope. Stammering, she asked me whether I was being honest. She asked me to promise her that I would come back for her.

And I nodded. My emotions were precipitating inside, yearning to be released. I wasn’t sure whether she was really smiling, but I really thought I saw a hint of the faintest smile on her face then, before I turned around and left her there. I left her on that long shadowy corridor, and never turn back.

“When was the last time you’ve seen your daughter Mrs. Clement?”

“It’s Ms. Clement officer. And I’ve never seen her again, not ever since I left her at the St. Joseph nursing center.” I can’t help but be irritated by the officer’s way of addressing me. As a matter of fact, it’s been quite a while since anyone had ever refer to me as a Mrs. Not that it should be anywhere on the top of my list of worries right now, but it annoys me and I just can’t help but let it get to me, especially now.

“Wait, let me get this straight. So you’re saying that you’ve never visited your daughter at the facility? Not even once?” His eyebrows are frowning in the most skeptical way humanly possible. And the air around us freeze, as if I was the cure to global warming.

I can’t respond to that, at least not with words. I nod.

There it comes, the judgmental stares that I’ve foreseen coming whenever this issue is brought up. Thankfully I have prepared myself for it.

“You heartless imbeciles! You’re supposed to be feeling bottomless sympathy for me. I’m the woman with the handicapped daughter missing for god’s sake!” The inner me shouted. I think now would be the time for me to shed a heartbroken tear or two, it’s only proper right?

“Please promise me you’ll find her, please officer! She out there alone now, helpless… Please! Where could she be…” I’m sure that I’m putting up a very convincing performance now. If there is an audience right here right now, they would be cheering for me to win one of those golden nude statues…

Then suddenly, a flash of thoughts strikes me out of the blue.

WAIT! What am I doing? Sherry’s out there right now, missing! What was I thinking? I should not be worried about what these people think about me. Fuck these people! I need to find Sherry! I need to save her from whatever it is she’s going through right now…

“Officers, can you please leave now. I have other businesses to attend to.”

The layer of thin ice that was shielding me from their ever judgmental attitude melted in an instance. The police officers stare at me with deep perplexed looks, as if the sudden change of tone was too much for them to fathom.

“Well, sure Mrs…. I mean Miss Clement. We will keep you informed if we find any lead on your daughter’s whereabouts.”

“I would really appreciate that. Now let me see you all to the door.”

As I close the door behind me, I splatter my back against the door and was aghast at the few minutes that I’ve lost my thoughts just now. What kind of mother am I! I should be worried to death about my missing daughter right now. No! I am worried to death!

I dash to the washroom, almost bumping into the semi-closed door. My mind is frantic, my palms are sweaty, my eyes are twinging. I reach out my hands, even though they are quivering like jelly on a roller coaster, and open the medicine cabinet to grab hold of a white capped orange bottle. Impulsively, I void the entire bottle onto my sweaty right palm. My shaky left fingers sift out two pills, as if their the chosen ones and just shoves them into my widely-opened mouth.

As I swallow the pills and wash it down with plenty of saliva that seems to taste like sweat, I stared at the reflection on the cabinet.

‘It must be the drugs, these damn mother-fuckin pills!’

As if blaming them for my lack of remorse in such situations would in effect, diminish this trivial sense of guilt I’m feeling underneath all the fear and anger.

‘They’re making me numb… making me less human… these damn pills!’

For a split second, I actually think that someone had plotted with the doctors and nurses who has been feeding me with more and more pills, to destroy my life and that of the people around me.

the return

does the title sounds familiar?

offcoz it does u bong-bong,
here.....



















ring any bell?

i dunno why, the idea of goin home tomolo, jus make me feel... how do i put it? reluctant? solicitous? precarious? or issit jus butterflies? i'm really cryptic about this. what i'm feelin inside is clearly fluctuating what i expect myself to feel after such a long absence frm home.

or issit the journey itself tat's detering me frm feelin a shred of excitement over all this? the mere idea of bein in a confined, tightly-windowed, four-wheeled vehicle with my brother does seems awfully like a potential put off to the joy absent in this homecoming trip.

or else, why wud i still be up at this hour, with an awfully thick book on my lap, refusing to give my body the much needed rest?
it is quite an interesting book though. i've been goin to every bookstore, trying to track it down. now tat i've finally found it, i hardly have time to even flip through the pages, sigh.... life as a trainee teacher does drains every last drip of humanly quality in me.

























anyway, since i'm wide awake, infront of the computer, readin this thick book, listening to sum crappy/sappy ol-chinese songs, while drinking a gallon of ribena, i mite as well make the most out of it by......

guess what?

writing a poem, muaheheheh.....

so here it goes-------->>>

away
far though it seems
my mind flee, dissolving into thousand
pieces of loneliness that reeks of disapprovals
what am i seeking, hoping to reap here
as if anything matters
anyway

hover
feelings accumulating
my heart wrenches, scattering on my
pale time-worn ceiling that speaks to me at night
not to hesitate as it is not a choice
however

race
time that passes by
brush through, strands of graying youth
until the final grain drained in crestfallen denial
partially fulfilled dreams, eyes can only
retrace

























pardon my swelled-head....

finally, its here

SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!!!!!!
i cant remember when was the last time i've been so excited over such things. i thing it was 3/4 years ago. funny isn't it? it feels as if i'm back at square one. i jus can't shake this weird feelin, the same feelin i used to hav whenever school holidays begin, the dreading of the end of it, heheh... i guess i just tend to worry too much.
last nite, adrian n me talked about how we have different way of lookin at things. he has this enviable ability to look at things in the most positive way humanly possible, in other words, he's always 'bright and shinny'. unlike me, most of the times, i tend to develop this dubious feelings about most things. i have this atrocious glass half empty attitude that jus bugs me sumtimes. anyway, i try my best to be 'bright and shinny', cos god noes under all the unwanted elements in my life, i deserve to have the ability to overcome all that and be as optimistic as possible. otherwise, life wud be immensely unbearable.
heheh, anyway, here are sum pics of me n geok ping, killing time during the final period before we get to leave school and start out one week holiday.































































































































forgive us, we were so bloody bored.

my life, my present, my future

i
me
mine
myself
individual





















i, knoe, i know, life doesn't just evolves around me. but lately, for me(there i go again), it seems as if i've lose connection with myself(and again). i dunno how to explain it. maybe its jus tat i've been so busy with making plans for others, doing things for others, that i've forgotten about me(over and over again).
i'm not trying to say that i'm noble or anything here, but i believe all my frens who are goin through these agonizing 3 months wud raise all fours in agreement. bein an english teacher does take more than a good command of the language.

last week was a good week for me. it was excruciatingly tiring, but nonetheless, it was good. even yesterday(yup, Saturday) turned out to be great. i love my students and i enjoy spending time with them. they enjoy my lessons, most of it anyway, and always end up refusing to leave. yesterday for example, i played charade with 2 Kempas(thanx adrian). i showed them a list of idioms of animals on the projector, and then started the game. the winning group gets to choose any music video to watch as their reward. from all the music videos i hav on my 2GB Tomato flashdrive tat i jus bought(love it), they didn't surprise me by choosing sean kingston's Beautiful Girl. after enjoyin it, they refused to go back to class. all of them hang on to their chairs and pleaded me for another one. well, bein the soft-hearted fool tat i am, i gave in. and this time i was quite surprised when they chose Paris Hilton's Nothing in this World. Before when they r finally gettin ready to go bek to their class, they thanked me and sum even say 'we love u teacher'(awwwwwwwwwww.....) and this one gurl came up to me and said that 'this is the best english lesson ever.'
well, u might say tat kids can be pretty manipulative sumtimes. but i jus can't help but let them get to me. i mean, it just makes all da hardwork, and sleepless nite i've spend slaving over a couple of nerve-breaking lesson plans so worth it, just so very worth it. heheh, maybe da ministry of edu should consider hiring me as their spokeperson for encouraging ppl to join da teachin profession.
my kids, all 150 of them, can be a pain in the ass at times. but most of the time, they are just so bloody adorable.(or issit jus my 'motherly'-instinct talkin there?) the time for me to be there, bein in school, is made bearable by these kids. everytime i go into class, i hav to be constantly on my toes coz their a very clever bunch for 14 years old. however, i guess it jus makes it easier for me to relate with them. they've seen so many sides of me, the 'brilliant' and 'know it all' me, the 'forgetful' me(who tend to leave things behind in class) or even the 'forget to go for classes' me, the 'blur' me(when i took the key for blk tayangan, n intended to open blk tayangan for them to go in, but ended up trying to unlock the library. after trying to unlock the door for around five minutes and failing to do so, then only my bunch of student told me, while laughing their head off. one of them even said 'teacher, ur so blur la', 'now u know how blur i am' was the only thing i could squeeze out of my blushing face), the 'so-angry-i-look-like-i'm-gonna-go-on-a-rampage-and- shoot-everyone-with-a-riffle' me, etc.
at the end of these three months, i think the only things i'm gonna remember, and misses the most, are these brats, these 150 brat who mostly insist on callin me 'teacher' instead of 'Mr.Tenh'. these brats, these bloody spoiled brats, love them to pieces.

I love U

i mean my students. i'm beginning to love them, more and more, even those who hate my guts.
goin into the classes has become the high-light of my days, especially if i have planned interesting activities for them. it is as if i'm sumhow attached to these bunch of 14 years old, emotionally i mean. evn those who makes a lot of noises and require me to scream my already sore throat out. cos honestly, if it was the same 'me' from five weeks ago, i wud be very god damn pissed. but now, i may still scream for them to 'shut your hole', but inside, i'm actually very calm. not to mention those adorable students who greets me whenever they see me. even when i pass by their classroom and they are havin class, they wud greet me through the window. this is when i will put on my fake strict face, and tell them to 'Focus!!' while pointing at their teacher infront.
i guess my penyelia was rite. God did send me to this school for a good reason. and now, its becumin more and more clear to me. but still, this doesn't mean tat i've changed my mind on not becumin a full-time teacher(coz trust me, it takes more than a few cute smiles to change tat), its just tat i'm beginnin to appreciate the 12 weeks given to me. although i'm not sure tat i can change any lives, or save any souls. but one thing for sure, i've became a part of their lives. it may jus be a small part of it, but what more could i ask for.....
God does works in mysterious ways.

evaluation form

for those of u who haven been evaluated by ur lecturers yet, this is the form they're usin.
i just hope tat by knowin the main criteria they're evaluatin us by, u can be better prepared.
hope this will help u all out a bit, but as u can clearly see from da comments i've got, its a tat too late for me, heheh...