I was forced to grow up overnight.

sadness is a very bad feeling. it drains u both physically and mentally. its been a week since he left us, but the impact is still as strong as then. my heart aches everytime i think of how sad my sister must be feeling inside. if i'm feeling the way i m, then it must be zillion times worst for her. i called her up yesterday, n her trembling voice breaks my heart, over and over again. she said she just got back from teaching tuition(she had too as the parents and school are pressuring her to), n she jus arrived home after a 40 minutes drive. but she's still sittin in da car, too tired to get down and climb da long staircase to our house as her baby has been feelin bit stiff inside. i can tell frm her voice that she'd been crying again. although she tells me that everythings ok, but i know for sure that everythings' not ok.

how can things be okay after sumthing like this happened. i know how much they loved each other. i witnessed how they started from love at first sight until they became the most loving couple i've ever known. and brother Liang takes very good care of her. he loved her like she was never loved before. my heart shattered when i saw her condition for the first time after da inciddent. i arrived home at 6am after da long journey back, put down my luggage down n rushed to her room. there she was, lying on the bed, eyes wide awake. she looked at me, but i can tell from her stare that a part of her is no longer there. tears started to stream down her pale cheeks as i sat on the floor beside her and held her cold hands in mine. she broke down n cried, her body trembling and her voice coarse. i can only imagine how much its killing her inside, and i know that she's been holding everything in all this time. while she cried she kept calling his name, and she blames herself for all that had happened. she told me her plans with him, how they are going to move into their new house the week after, how she's been planning to celebrate their 8th anniversary early next month, how he had been so loving and caring towards her throughout the 8 years, how he's anticipating the baby but will never get to see her, and how she's been telling herself that he's ok and will get up and come back to her and the children. . . . and all this, just breaks me over and over and over.

my niece was just lying there, beside her mommy, quietly. tears were quietly slidding down her cheeks too. but she didn't cried. instead, she was patting her mother's shoulder while listening to every words she said. but when i finally manage to get my sister to go up to wash herself before we head to the buddhist center, my niece crawled onto my laps and cried. she cried and shivered, while calling out to her daddy. there's nothing in the world that i wouldn't do to undo everything and make all their pain go away. but i'm helpless as there's nothing i can do. there's really nothing i can do. God was merciless and befall upon them the harshest and cruelest punishment that they've done nothing to deserve.

when i saw my brother Liang, i can't believe that that is him lying in there. i can barely recognise him. i was telling myself that, any minute now, he's going to wake up and get back up on his feet like nothing had happened, and everything's gonna be alright again. but he never did. it wasn't until i held his son's hand and scattered a handful of fresh soil onto his coffin that i realised that i'll never get to see him again. my loving, sweet, and quiet brother. . . .

i was forced to grow up overnight.