I ask for forgiveness
For all the inconvenient I've caused you
In your eyes I'm nothing but trouble
A flatulent existance that embarasses
Drag your arrogance to the lowest of low
As you muffle my face away from their view
Not noticing the stinging tears bleeding over the cracks of your palm
Your eyes closed to the lights within
Where I'm surrounded by a deafening silence
Void of a single thread of your warmth

I ask for forgiveness
For all the pain I've inflicted on you
All the wounds I sliced open with red sharp nails
Even rubbed salt on them over again
Punches and kicks weren't my intention
An oozing wound on you is more than i can bear
Shall I patch all of these up
With the dissapearance of my existance
Would a slit across my throat deafen your moan
If so then let this self be shattered to dust

I ask for forgiveness
For the love I've poured over you
For I should have known better not to
Pamper you with attention and care
Until it stiffles and drown your will
Casted away the freedom I long to see in your eyes
Loosen the steadfastness that used to blind the rest
(unfinished)

Damaged?

A friend asked me whether i consider myself to be Damaged. I loosen my grip on the warm cup of coffee. I stared at the glass window and pondered for a second, only for a small second. My lips just simply uttered 'No.'.

Cause deep down i know, I may be many things, but damaged I'm not.

You can go ahead and call me broken, reckless, aimless, lost. but damaged? never, or at least not yet.

So what if one had a father who gambled away every piece of valuables in the house, and eventually the house. So what if one come home from school to find his piggy bank empty or shattered on the floor, the content never to be retrieved. So what one had to spent his every semester breaks ever since primary school working hard just to make sure he would have money to pay the next year's tuition fees. So what if one's mother could only afford to let them have one meal per day. So what if one was afraid of going home after school to not get beaten up by his brother on a daily basis, the big brother whose suppose to protect him and stand up for him. So what if one have countless scars & stitches from having his head smashed into every single piece of glass around the house. So what if ones trust was abused, and flesh touched inappropriately when he can't even understand what's being done to him. So what if we were looked down upon, insulted by people who are suppose to share blood ties with. So what if one was the kid who was taunted and beaten up behind the classrooms. So what if.... So what if....

Life is a challenge, it has always been so.

But i move on, burying the past as the past. As i look straight into the determination in my sister's eyes,
"If you knew from the beginning that you'd only be given eight years to be with him, would you still have made the same decision?...."

"Yes, I wouldn't give it up for anything." As she held her babies tightly in her arms.

As i hear the trembling voice of an elderly man,
"She was my reason to waking up every morning. But now she's gone, what is there left for me to wake up to?"

So what if? What if you look back at your life and see only misery and pain. when it is the same for others? Every one has their hidden wounds and sores. Every one wants to put the dark behind and embrace the light. So what makes me damaged if compares to all the hurt in life?

I am but broken. I am but a small papercut.
As for the pain, the pain is there for a reason.
And though it hurts, I know it hurts for a reason....

Gluing myself back together again

the healing process has been taking place for the past few days. I am kicking the melancholy aside, and trying to rise above, albeit the constant obstacles & distractions.

i was like a broken piece of toy, lying all beaten & damaged, untouched by the child that is distracted by the new & shinny Christmas presents, neglected & abandoned.

it wasn't easy, to regain the courage to put my life back together again, even harder to hold it together. but i knew that it was something that i need to do on my own, something that i had to do by myself.

so now here i am, crawling on the floor, collecting the bits & pieces.

here i am sitting alone in a dark corner, attempting to glue all the broken pieces back together again.

here i am, wanting to not be broken, but whole.

so let me be....

jaded

I do not know since when it started. but i just fail to laugh or smile true-heartedly anymore.

I try my best to appear as if everything is fine. I keep smiling and laughing at work, as much as i have to. In classes i keep on cracking my usual dark-humor-jokes to keep the atmosphere lively and the students awake. when I meet up with friends, it's hard, esp. with those who knows me too well, I have to try even harder to hide it. So i laugh, as hard as i could , at every jokes. I say lame things and again I laugh, until i feel this numbness inside for at least a few minutes.

Happiness has decided to leave me. It left me as nothing but an empty gift box. The gift inside was taken away, as the box lies there, ripped open, echoing the vast emptiness awaiting to be filled.

I've read somewhere that we are responsible for our own happiness. & to a certain extend i very much agree with it. But what else can i do, when i've tried so hard, until i'm left with this helpless feeling of not being able to do anything else.

Living in a world that is nothing but a hard cold reality. Is happiness within my reach? will it ever be? Will I ever be able to at least smile because I really want to? I just want to giggle & laugh from the inner part of me, from the heart.

I'm tired of having the urge to crash into nothingness. I'm tired of dragging my tired feet into the car, as my tears flood all the way home. I am exhausted. I see and feel how exhausted my loved ones are, and it breaks me even more.

I don't think I can go on like this. I know I won't have to for that long, but this long is barely bearable. I'm giving up, even when I know i shouldn't.

A thousand Wishes

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I smiled and cried
Felt sad and joy
As I stared into eyes that cared
and loved the very soul inside
I held your arms and wrapped them around me
'My first wish' I smiled 'Fifteen minutes'
You were amused, disbelieve
How could a wish be so simple,
when you could have the world
'Well I don't want the world,
if it means not being in your embrace'

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I giggled and laughed
As i felt your arms around me
and felt the warmth of your beating heart
I landed a kiss on your cheek and said goodbye
A common gesture for two persons in love
Simple yet sweet, casual yet passionate
'Another 999 goodbye kisses to come'
I shouted across the hall
As i left you standing in front of the dishes
And smiled as your name appeared on my phone

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I touched and kissed your lips
As I felt you wanting me
underneath the warm sheet as we lay
Entwined our limbs as our skin brushed
Rough yet tender we embraced the beauty of our world
My chest pillowed you sweet smelling hair
As i wished for nothing else in this world
Nothing but to have this feeling forever
Nothing else, even if i have to wish it for the thousandth time.

Tired.

Lethargic.

The perfect description of what I'm experiencing right now.

Had been feeling so for the past few days, weeks maybe.

Had a busy day at work today. had lunch with Ms. Chan, and both of us talk and shared a lot of things. Spending time with her makes me miss my mom less. Though i don't think i could ever bring myself to tell her that.

I shifted my seat in the office. moved to a more lively part of the office... hope my days at work would be so as well.

after work i went for tuition. throughout the one and a half hour, i was exhausted, but didn't fall asleep as usual, not even once.

then i drove through the heavy traffic jam to meet up with Christine who insisted on going for bodycombat class today. arrived just in time. hopped around like an idiot, punching into thin air for about an hour. the after, i jumped onto the treadmill, but couldnt seem to find the energy to run for long. The gym was just too packed today. cant seem to find any comfort or serenity that i usually get after a good work out.

had dinner after, at teh tarik place, had two half boiled eggs, nasi lemak with a hard boiled, kaya butter toast, & a big cup of teh tarik. hungry but didnt have much appetite.

accompanied Chris until her fren came. lay down flat on the playground, stared at the huge screen of One Utama, and the ticking digital clock beside it. had the sudden realization of time.

drove home, sang along with the songs on the stereo, thoughprobably got the lyrics all wrong.

drove into the parking lot, straightened the car before reversing into the lot. as my hand shifted the gear into reverse, head banged onto the steering wheel, foot tightly pressed on break, grasp steering wheel tightly with both hands, tears starts to flow from no where, cried and cried .... and cried for don't know how long.

head up, took two pieces of kleenex, wipe tears from face, reverse car into parking lot. got down, took bag and shoes. walked out and wait for elevator. door dings open, empty, great.

pressed 18, waited, dings open, got out. unlock door, walked inside, took off clothes, throw into laundry basket. took hot shower.

sat on bed, turned on iTunes, listened to Damien Rice, reading The Lovely Bones.

2010

the new year.

I don't know what i feel about, or how i feel about it. all i know is, it signifies my turning into 26.
BIG FUCKING CAPITALIZED IN RED AND IN BOLD TWENTY-SIX!!!

There! happy now?

P.S: Happy New Year.