jaded

I do not know since when it started. but i just fail to laugh or smile true-heartedly anymore.

I try my best to appear as if everything is fine. I keep smiling and laughing at work, as much as i have to. In classes i keep on cracking my usual dark-humor-jokes to keep the atmosphere lively and the students awake. when I meet up with friends, it's hard, esp. with those who knows me too well, I have to try even harder to hide it. So i laugh, as hard as i could , at every jokes. I say lame things and again I laugh, until i feel this numbness inside for at least a few minutes.

Happiness has decided to leave me. It left me as nothing but an empty gift box. The gift inside was taken away, as the box lies there, ripped open, echoing the vast emptiness awaiting to be filled.

I've read somewhere that we are responsible for our own happiness. & to a certain extend i very much agree with it. But what else can i do, when i've tried so hard, until i'm left with this helpless feeling of not being able to do anything else.

Living in a world that is nothing but a hard cold reality. Is happiness within my reach? will it ever be? Will I ever be able to at least smile because I really want to? I just want to giggle & laugh from the inner part of me, from the heart.

I'm tired of having the urge to crash into nothingness. I'm tired of dragging my tired feet into the car, as my tears flood all the way home. I am exhausted. I see and feel how exhausted my loved ones are, and it breaks me even more.

I don't think I can go on like this. I know I won't have to for that long, but this long is barely bearable. I'm giving up, even when I know i shouldn't.