the end is near

here i am, sitting in front of the pc, sipping a warm cup of milo while browsing through my friends' blogs in my north pole office room.

most of it talks about memories, joys, achievements, heartbreak, dilemma, mostly regrets i would say. that makes me stop slurping and breathing for 0.03 seconds, and a teeny bit of cognitive process took place: What about me?

exactly, what about me? if i were to put up a post that sums up the year, if i were to blog about the 2010, what would most likely the tone and content?

hurmmmmm.... would it be joy and enthusiasm of the ending of a fruitful year and the beginning of a promising one; or would it be a melancholic one that laments the lost of another youthful year heading towards the big three 'O'? or would it be filled with the aloofness of a denial patient who refuse to admit defeat in the eyes of far more successful peers?

hurmmmm....

i dont know. but if i have to give a guess then i'll probably say all of the above.

me and my monday nights rendezvous gang(a.k.a MNR) started the year with a list of seven resolutions each. and there would be penalties for each of the resolutions that is not off the list by the end of the year. i've basically forgotten about what i put on it, except for one. and i have a strong feeling that that is probably the only one resolution that i managed to achieve this year. well, if i let this list sum up my year, then i would have to say that my year very the much sucks!!!

but come to think of it, i really dont feel that my 2010 was bad. infact, it wasnt bad at all. i've found love, i've found life, and i've found contentment.

There is a lot of things that one may want in life. a lot of goals one sets to achieve in a certain time frame. but i've never been one of those people. life is unpredictable. i've seen sadness and i've stared death in the face. eversince, i'm unable to plan for the future. because i know that no one could. the only thing we COULD do is to cherish now. to eat every piece of chocolate without worrying that we will wake up being fatter the next day. to be able to drive above the speed limit without worrying about a speed ticket that would drain our bank account at the end of the month. and most importantly, to be able to love without worrying that our hearts might be broken at the end of the day. No one lives forever, so no lover can be happily ever after. one way or another, we're bound to lose each other(or worse, loose ourselves) in the process. but to be able to be brave enough to put our hearts on a platter and present it to the person we love, that is the ultimate love and secrifice that we can ever achieve in this lifetime.

so all i have to say for this year is:

I've loved, and i've been loved. so yes, it was pretty much a good 2010, and hopefully an even better 2011 instore for all of us ;)

If Dying is an Art?

If dying is an art
It would be but a daub of tactless paint
Splashed across a mundane canvas
Red, black and white
Nothing that screams rainbows or carousel
Images of limbs dangling loosely
Darkening clouds over vast abysses of despair
A world that drops at the blink of an eye
Where forever young stays lyrical
And inconsistency overrules promises
Where nothing is the only thing that fills you up

If dying is an art
I would give the world for you to come alive
For I have seen love withers
From crossing rainbows into streams of gutters
For I have scorned these feelings
As if I’d consumed oceans
Drowning the wrenching pain
Running away, life in my palms
Sadness overflowing through the gaps of my fingers
But retrieving might just seems all too vain of a cause

If dying is and art
That it’s one that requires utmost mastery
Every drop of blood but a colour palette
Every popping vein but just a stroke of your mighty brush
I will waver, I will fall
For an art is beautiful
And nothing speaks of more beauty than me lying

Still beside your feet

Issues

It's been a really long time since ive vented my emotions to the thin air of cyber space. Well, guess all this while I've been bottling everything up inside instead. I guess at times, there are just feelings or emotions that might not be easily conveyed through verbal nor written words.

Lately, a lot of things been bothering me. I've come to realize that I have issues. Well, the silver lining would be, by saying that, I've taken my first step to recovery by admitting to my problems. Comparatively, there's a lotof people out there who clearly have the same problem, but refuse to see nor admit it. Some of them choose to deny it entirely, some of them choose to cover it up by dwelling on other peoples problem. (oh, btw, that wud be my second problem: overly sensitive to others problems. Gosh, living up to two problems in one post, I am progressing!)

Well, back to me( and my issues), my first issue would be trust. I now have trouble giving my full trust to others. Go e were the days when I would just believe everything everyone says, be gullible and susceptible to whatever ideas and explaination that comes my way. What happened to that me? Well, its life I guess. Life happened! I've given my full trust, to so many people, wearing my heart on my sleeves, and in the end what I get was deceptions n betrayal. Even people who I held dear to my heart. To them it might not be that severe, but they do not know how much it means for me to hand over as much trust to them to begin with. By doing so, I expected them to be completely honest to me in return. But perhaps I expected too much . Once I realize that, and feel the dishonesty bursting out of the seams around the perfect picture that I've painted of them, I withdraw. And once I withdraw, that would usually be the end of our story of trust and honesty.

My second issue, would be abandonment. Yes! I have abandonment issues. Not that ive been physically abandoned or anything, it's more to neglected. Even if I see cats or dogs, or even ppl being abandoned by the streets, I would immediately be at the verge of tears. I guess that explain my constant habit of taking in strays. Sigh... I just don't want to be left behind. In fact, I'm petrified of the idea. So, at the slightest hint of such possibility, I withdraw(again). I would take myself out, channeling the emotions away, and slowly drift apart from the other party involved.

This is me. Trying to acknowledge my issues. It's the first step I'm taking in confronting them. So I would support all the support I could get.

Thank you for reading. That itself is a form of support.

Uncle Starbucks

Uncle starbucks

Sitting here, I observed him over the pages of my book. My concentration derailed it's purposeful track. With his oversized and trendy shades clinging over the flat bridge of his nose, he sat there, limbs dangling sideways, asleep.

Then all of a sudden, his body jerked and scared my vision back to the lost pages of this unknown book I'm holding. He bend down and pick up his leather cap that had fallen onto the floor beside his chair, solemnly slip it back on, covering his dyed blonde trims of remaining hair that barely survived the test of age.

The appear to waver around with his mp3 player as he plugged the earpiece into his lobes. He then fumble with his pack of dunhill and pull out a wretched stick, place it roughly at his mouth, envelope it with his dried wrinkled lips and takes a good long drag as he lit it.

Today is fathers day. But as any other days, I could still spot him here. Walking, sitting around this particular starbucks, With beverage or not, loitering his days away. Patrons around here pay no particular attention to him, unless he overstep borders and invade their space. Yes, he can be rather playful at times, oggling at young ladies and attempting to strike up dry conversations with them. Still, he is basically harmless if not annoying.

A smile flash across my face as I watch him hopping his head to the pressumably catching music in his mp3 player( which I would have to say is quite schick for someone of his age)

Then, out of no where, sadness stricks. As I realized that it would take a lot of boredom and loneliness to get. Man of his age to repeat such idle routine every single day. I wonder where he lives? What does he do or did to earn a living? Does he have any family? Children? Why is he here even on a fathers day. The fact that a few minutes ago I was still on the phone wishing my dad a happy fathers day.

Tears starts to well up and blur my vision of this lonely old man. Still sitting there, cigarrettes smoking away aside ashtray, as his head tilted sideway and dream himself into a place with family and friends....

Love is (for our bride to be: my dearest yee-mui)

Love is when i wake up
and see your face for the first time
every beginning of the day.

Love is when i'm alone
lost in the strangest places but
you'll find me every thousandth times.

Love is when i lie awake
tired and restless, but happiness smiles
as you inhibit my every beautiful thought.

Love is when i say good bye
my hands on your arms, my lips on your lips
as i know i want to be with you
every forever lifetime.

how she reminded me.

These few days had been gloomy as i carry my morbid self through the casual rigmaroles of the days.

every few moments, i would stop and think about this small scrawny face of a kitten, whose life was ended because the world, the world is too cruel of a world to contain her.

it happened last monday, as i meet up with the gang for our usual monday night rendezvous. this time, it was Bren's turn to pick the venue, so she picked this foodcourt that is smacked in the middle of the SS2 night market.

we arrived there early, but Drew & Terry were already there. so we put out things down and went to get food. as we returned to the table and put our food down. i was distracted by endless barking from this puppy. he was apparently attracted to something in the sewer. i went over to check it out. i saw the puppy biting at something, dragging the helpless object by the front limb, as the thing lie there lifeless & helpless. at first i though it was a dead rat, but as i took a closer look, i realized that it was a kitten, alive, but barely.

my heart sank, as the image that strucked me were more than i could bear. i chased the puppy away, and stood there looking at the kitten, not knowing what to do.

terry n bren came over, and all our heart were aching. we then managed to put the poor kitten into a wooden box and terry and bren went and get towel as i stay beside the kitten. we then tried as much as we could to dry her up. this is when we notice that her front leg was broken, and she was severely under-nutrition. she could barely move her limbs, as her head lies there lifeless.

then we were all busting our brains trying to figure out what to do. i google every possible solution on my phone, SPCA, PAWS, any veterinarian or animal clinics, but came to the conclusion that they were all useless and of no help. this is when we decided to take matters onto our own hands.

we sent Drew to go get some hot steamed Jagung, and me and Bren went to get milk, but ended up with soy milk instead. we then put the hot corns around the kitten to keep her warm, and used a straw(since a syringe is not available) to try our best to feed the kitten. at first our effort was in vein, but as we kept on trying, the kitten finally had some reaction.

as we were trying everything we could, quite a few bystanders came up and showed their 'malaysian spirit', they asked a lot of dumb question, watched, then made a few snide remarks, then left. instead, it was the immigrants who work at the foodstalls around there whom did provide us with some assistance, like getting us boxes and etc.

in the end, we managed to put her comfortably inside a box an cover her up with clean white towels, with the steamed corns to keep her warm. it was as if life was tranfused back into her, as she regained enough strenght to life her head up and stared at each of our faces. her eyes were big but weary. i i looked into them, i felt like tearing. she reminded me of the many kittens i used to nurse and play with during school.

i would always save up my pocket money, to but sachets of cat food. at that time i didn't have much, i would only get around 50 to 80 cents daily, when i di get any. cat food would cost around 1.20 per individual pack. so i would have to save up and could only afford to feed them on odd days. but i will always remember how i would wait until school is over, and i would sneak to their hidding spots and serve them the cat food. they would scatter themselves around me, anticipating the food. and as they eat, i would sat beside and pet them. afterwards i would spent quite some time playing with them.

those were my moments of escape. as i feel that i am away from the reality of my life, from all the troubles at home, and away from everyone. but in a world of contentment, where small joys are the ones that really matters....

The next day, Terry who was free took the kitten, who we named Jagung due to the obvious reasons, to the vets. we were optimmistic as Jagung appears to be much better than the original condition we found her in.

we were all happy, and we even planned to let Jagung be Fishball's little sister and stay together with me.

but then came the worst. the dr said that there's no possible way Jagung could survive and lead a life that is even close to normal. she was so badly injured that she would never be able to stand of lift herself up, nor to eat and excrete on her own. the injuries apparently were sustained quite sometime ago, and the damage is permanent. she even had maggots eating her up from within... the world went blank and my emotion just shattered as i listened to terry, trying to talk in between sobs.

there was nothing that could be done for her. so the dr was going to feed her here last meal then put her to sleep....


i went home and cried that day. i cried like how i never did for a very long time. i cried for Jagung, i cried for all my friends, i cried for myself, and i cried for all the lives that is being taken away out there. i thought that we could at least save one, but it turned out we couldn't.

we cannot undo the harm that had been done to this poor creature who deserved way better.

no matter how much we do, no matter how hard we try.



Lie in peace, my little one. We love you always, our Baby Jagung.

The Missing Poems

The seconds, the hours
The days, the nights
The weeks, the years

The smiles, the tears
The grief, the pain
The longing, the seeking

Hurting

It's this feeling again. breath doesn't come easily.

it's almost as if i'm breathing nothing in, but breathing my soul out in return.

it's not pain, it's not numbness, neither is it throbs.
It's like waves, washing over you again and again.
it's a feeling of drowning, suffocating as if your chest is filled by nothing but nothing.

yes, nothingness, this is what it is.
because once again you let your heart get away.
once again you let your feelings get the better of you, you let emotions cloud your judgment.

once again i'm heartbroken.

heartbreak, heartbreak go away.
come again some other day.
I am but ready to lose faith.
heartbreak heartbreak go away....

what's holding you back?

i fell asleep on the sofa at 9pm. finished a dvd and was only telling myself that my eyes needed to rest for a minute. but somehow, my entire system managed to shut down. as predicted, i grow tired more easily nowadays.

then i somehow managed to get myself into the bedroom, and slept slept and slept until now. now, i'm widely awake sitting infront of the PC with nothing to do.

i'll probably go to the kitchen, get something to eat. well, there's always that huge pack of Ruffles still lying on the floor beside the sofa, or that half bar of Chocolate in the fridge.

lately, i've been thinking. well, what's new with that? i'm always thinking aren't i? but no, it's a different sort of thinking. this time i limit my thinking. to not overthink is actually rather tiresome. more draining than overthinking.

i'm always a person who trust that when it comes to the matter of the heart, one shouldn't consider too much and just follow one's heart instead of brain. but apparently, that's not always the case.

i've learned that one tends to be exposed to the danger of heartbreaks when one does not apply cognitive processes to love. yes, believe it or not, love requires braincells.

so i guess it goes without saying that stupid people like me, would never have love then. silly old fool.

the occasional update.

gosh, haven't been updating for ages. well can't seem to think of a good excuse to justify my laziness, so gonna just go with the usuals: ran out of creative juice, internet server down, injured my typing fingers(which would be my two delicate index fingers), and last but not least, was actually living my life rather than writing about it, lol.(how i wish the last one was true)

talking about life.... mine has been rather 'occasional' lately. Define occasional? well, hurmmmm..... you know, the occasional ups and downs, the occasional smiles that flashes across my face when th very scarce occasional happiness afloatS('S' not grammatical error, but for emphasis, so scarce they need singular verb) the way too often occasional heartbreaks, disappointment, anger, revenge plotting behaviour, etc... (well, u get the idea)

oh, and some major changes are in store for me this year. it's time to stop sheer planning and plain avoidance, and to embrace them with an abundant amount of courage...

I ask for forgiveness
For all the inconvenient I've caused you
In your eyes I'm nothing but trouble
A flatulent existance that embarasses
Drag your arrogance to the lowest of low
As you muffle my face away from their view
Not noticing the stinging tears bleeding over the cracks of your palm
Your eyes closed to the lights within
Where I'm surrounded by a deafening silence
Void of a single thread of your warmth

I ask for forgiveness
For all the pain I've inflicted on you
All the wounds I sliced open with red sharp nails
Even rubbed salt on them over again
Punches and kicks weren't my intention
An oozing wound on you is more than i can bear
Shall I patch all of these up
With the dissapearance of my existance
Would a slit across my throat deafen your moan
If so then let this self be shattered to dust

I ask for forgiveness
For the love I've poured over you
For I should have known better not to
Pamper you with attention and care
Until it stiffles and drown your will
Casted away the freedom I long to see in your eyes
Loosen the steadfastness that used to blind the rest
(unfinished)

Damaged?

A friend asked me whether i consider myself to be Damaged. I loosen my grip on the warm cup of coffee. I stared at the glass window and pondered for a second, only for a small second. My lips just simply uttered 'No.'.

Cause deep down i know, I may be many things, but damaged I'm not.

You can go ahead and call me broken, reckless, aimless, lost. but damaged? never, or at least not yet.

So what if one had a father who gambled away every piece of valuables in the house, and eventually the house. So what if one come home from school to find his piggy bank empty or shattered on the floor, the content never to be retrieved. So what one had to spent his every semester breaks ever since primary school working hard just to make sure he would have money to pay the next year's tuition fees. So what if one's mother could only afford to let them have one meal per day. So what if one was afraid of going home after school to not get beaten up by his brother on a daily basis, the big brother whose suppose to protect him and stand up for him. So what if one have countless scars & stitches from having his head smashed into every single piece of glass around the house. So what if ones trust was abused, and flesh touched inappropriately when he can't even understand what's being done to him. So what if we were looked down upon, insulted by people who are suppose to share blood ties with. So what if one was the kid who was taunted and beaten up behind the classrooms. So what if.... So what if....

Life is a challenge, it has always been so.

But i move on, burying the past as the past. As i look straight into the determination in my sister's eyes,
"If you knew from the beginning that you'd only be given eight years to be with him, would you still have made the same decision?...."

"Yes, I wouldn't give it up for anything." As she held her babies tightly in her arms.

As i hear the trembling voice of an elderly man,
"She was my reason to waking up every morning. But now she's gone, what is there left for me to wake up to?"

So what if? What if you look back at your life and see only misery and pain. when it is the same for others? Every one has their hidden wounds and sores. Every one wants to put the dark behind and embrace the light. So what makes me damaged if compares to all the hurt in life?

I am but broken. I am but a small papercut.
As for the pain, the pain is there for a reason.
And though it hurts, I know it hurts for a reason....

Gluing myself back together again

the healing process has been taking place for the past few days. I am kicking the melancholy aside, and trying to rise above, albeit the constant obstacles & distractions.

i was like a broken piece of toy, lying all beaten & damaged, untouched by the child that is distracted by the new & shinny Christmas presents, neglected & abandoned.

it wasn't easy, to regain the courage to put my life back together again, even harder to hold it together. but i knew that it was something that i need to do on my own, something that i had to do by myself.

so now here i am, crawling on the floor, collecting the bits & pieces.

here i am sitting alone in a dark corner, attempting to glue all the broken pieces back together again.

here i am, wanting to not be broken, but whole.

so let me be....

jaded

I do not know since when it started. but i just fail to laugh or smile true-heartedly anymore.

I try my best to appear as if everything is fine. I keep smiling and laughing at work, as much as i have to. In classes i keep on cracking my usual dark-humor-jokes to keep the atmosphere lively and the students awake. when I meet up with friends, it's hard, esp. with those who knows me too well, I have to try even harder to hide it. So i laugh, as hard as i could , at every jokes. I say lame things and again I laugh, until i feel this numbness inside for at least a few minutes.

Happiness has decided to leave me. It left me as nothing but an empty gift box. The gift inside was taken away, as the box lies there, ripped open, echoing the vast emptiness awaiting to be filled.

I've read somewhere that we are responsible for our own happiness. & to a certain extend i very much agree with it. But what else can i do, when i've tried so hard, until i'm left with this helpless feeling of not being able to do anything else.

Living in a world that is nothing but a hard cold reality. Is happiness within my reach? will it ever be? Will I ever be able to at least smile because I really want to? I just want to giggle & laugh from the inner part of me, from the heart.

I'm tired of having the urge to crash into nothingness. I'm tired of dragging my tired feet into the car, as my tears flood all the way home. I am exhausted. I see and feel how exhausted my loved ones are, and it breaks me even more.

I don't think I can go on like this. I know I won't have to for that long, but this long is barely bearable. I'm giving up, even when I know i shouldn't.

A thousand Wishes

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I smiled and cried
Felt sad and joy
As I stared into eyes that cared
and loved the very soul inside
I held your arms and wrapped them around me
'My first wish' I smiled 'Fifteen minutes'
You were amused, disbelieve
How could a wish be so simple,
when you could have the world
'Well I don't want the world,
if it means not being in your embrace'

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I giggled and laughed
As i felt your arms around me
and felt the warmth of your beating heart
I landed a kiss on your cheek and said goodbye
A common gesture for two persons in love
Simple yet sweet, casual yet passionate
'Another 999 goodbye kisses to come'
I shouted across the hall
As i left you standing in front of the dishes
And smiled as your name appeared on my phone

You gave me a thousand wishes
'Wish for anything you like' you whispered
I touched and kissed your lips
As I felt you wanting me
underneath the warm sheet as we lay
Entwined our limbs as our skin brushed
Rough yet tender we embraced the beauty of our world
My chest pillowed you sweet smelling hair
As i wished for nothing else in this world
Nothing but to have this feeling forever
Nothing else, even if i have to wish it for the thousandth time.

Tired.

Lethargic.

The perfect description of what I'm experiencing right now.

Had been feeling so for the past few days, weeks maybe.

Had a busy day at work today. had lunch with Ms. Chan, and both of us talk and shared a lot of things. Spending time with her makes me miss my mom less. Though i don't think i could ever bring myself to tell her that.

I shifted my seat in the office. moved to a more lively part of the office... hope my days at work would be so as well.

after work i went for tuition. throughout the one and a half hour, i was exhausted, but didn't fall asleep as usual, not even once.

then i drove through the heavy traffic jam to meet up with Christine who insisted on going for bodycombat class today. arrived just in time. hopped around like an idiot, punching into thin air for about an hour. the after, i jumped onto the treadmill, but couldnt seem to find the energy to run for long. The gym was just too packed today. cant seem to find any comfort or serenity that i usually get after a good work out.

had dinner after, at teh tarik place, had two half boiled eggs, nasi lemak with a hard boiled, kaya butter toast, & a big cup of teh tarik. hungry but didnt have much appetite.

accompanied Chris until her fren came. lay down flat on the playground, stared at the huge screen of One Utama, and the ticking digital clock beside it. had the sudden realization of time.

drove home, sang along with the songs on the stereo, thoughprobably got the lyrics all wrong.

drove into the parking lot, straightened the car before reversing into the lot. as my hand shifted the gear into reverse, head banged onto the steering wheel, foot tightly pressed on break, grasp steering wheel tightly with both hands, tears starts to flow from no where, cried and cried .... and cried for don't know how long.

head up, took two pieces of kleenex, wipe tears from face, reverse car into parking lot. got down, took bag and shoes. walked out and wait for elevator. door dings open, empty, great.

pressed 18, waited, dings open, got out. unlock door, walked inside, took off clothes, throw into laundry basket. took hot shower.

sat on bed, turned on iTunes, listened to Damien Rice, reading The Lovely Bones.

2010

the new year.

I don't know what i feel about, or how i feel about it. all i know is, it signifies my turning into 26.
BIG FUCKING CAPITALIZED IN RED AND IN BOLD TWENTY-SIX!!!

There! happy now?

P.S: Happy New Year.