a petal falls
swirling in the breeze
i lay my right palm, bare
eyes shut tight
it brushes across my right cheek
and fell into my left palm
i grasped my right palm
and my left cheek was wet.
The world's been twisted around me lately. I've been goin' through shits that i've never thought i'd ever have to, well, at least not in the next 50 years or so. still, they came smacking me on the face, upright and forward. sigh.... how i miss the times when life was simpler....
the people around me(that's in a countable noun) had been having a tough time too i perhaps, since we're all dealing with this shitty thing called 'growing-up'. if that's not enough, we get 'responsibility' shafted up our anus and 'commitment' piercing out through our oral cavity(i'm using all this "technical" terms to make my blog more reader friendly, issit freakin' workin?).
nevertheless, we are all at a phase in our lives, where we have to change, and we need to do so. some changes subtle-ly, some choose to be drama queens. well, whatever way it is, it all boils down to the same word--'bloody changes' (make that two words).
not that i'm not digging it, i do. as a matter of fact i'm slowly embracing it, with my two flappy arms, and i hope soon i'll be able to with all four limbs. still, it might take some time.
for starters, i'm starting to set a many new year resolution for myself. and yes! i swear by them and the must be fulfilled before the midnight stroke of 31st december 2009!!! seriously, i'm being dead serious here. sure some of u must be thinking "yet, another one bite the dust..." But NO, i don't want to waste my life away. i don't want to wake up one day and wonder "What in the fucking hell happened to my life?!"
so, yah, i'm gonna live it. and in none other way, than my own way.
well, its been quite some time since i've last blogged, so yeah, i still have to end this with a few poetic lines.
' Life
Sucks, but
I
Rock! '
That's all, thank you for reading ;)
How can I be alive
If you are dead
How can I inhale these breaths
If you are cold, stiff without movements
How can I smile nor cry
If you are alone underneath frozen earth
How can I wake up and carry on
If it means leaving you behind
How can I be dead
If you are alive
How can I quit this beating burden
If you are still tied by the blues of the world
How can I lie resting in peace
If i know that every awakening hour is drowning you alive
How can I even look at that brightness
If it means leaving you behind
How can I still be alive
If you are dead
How can I not wish to turn around, catch glimpses of you
If you had never left me deep down inside
How can I not wake up weeping every morning
If I've never seen you in my dreams
How can I not want to leave this
If it means holding your hand again
How can I be dead
If you are still alive
How can I hover above the clouds
If I see you dragging your feet on the ground
How can I even close my eyes
If yours are open and welling, until dawn breaks
How can I not want to go back
If it means holding your hand again
Because I am dead
But you are still alive
Because I might be cold, lifeless
But in you I'll always be warm, alive
Because I want to see your every smile
But I don't want to make you cry
Because I would yearn to stay beside you
So I must live as mere memories and not in your dreams
Because I am still alive
But you are dead
Because I have to get up, live the seconds
While your arms surround me, keeping me warm
Because I have the heartbeats you left behind
And they need me to keep on living, loving
Because these eyelids have to close at night
Even though it means cease remembering and fail to see you in my dreams
each moment you blink
my heart skips a beat
never had the sky seems bluer
never had the rainbow so brightly coloured
can oranges be sweeter
can cereal become juicier
breathing you into my lungs
had become a daily necessity
for me to flourish like never before
blooming with the sense of certainty
each moment you smile
another part of myself is revived
never had scornful words seem so meaningless
never had judgmental stares so insignificant
for loosing everything that makes me
is worth for you complete me
love songs now so melodic
all the sonnets now make sense
no sunset can gloom the days
as you promises me all the sunrise
each and every day
each and every day
every waking moment
every single second
every prayer within a smile
every turning within more hopes
cause as cliche as it sounds
you are the missing piece
i've been looking for forever
green, yellow, red
sudden halt to a moving beat
staring at the debris of my wrecked self
picking up the pieces
as you rain and gutters the remains of a soul
if i step on a pedestal
would you see me clearer
and remember a forgotten memory
that once meant more than nothing
instead of tucked among yesterdays
lying lifeless between torn photos
scorned under your drizzling vague beliefs
a faint smile thats barely visible
clinging to fragile threads of rays
......
if it takes an eternity
then why can't the beginning be now?
How can i ever love you enough?
If we are meant to be together
But feels so far apart
Two hearts instead of one
Beating at unique paces
Two separate souls, one shouting to be heard
The other deaf and stares at the blue
Can it be that there are two of us
and there will always be?
How can I ever love you enough?
If my grip suffocates you
As your words bruises
All the feelings I've released
If it's space that you demand
And not time that you feel me beside
Differences, we realize
will always be a gap in between
Can I stand closer?
How can I ever love you enough?
If you are nothing but sand
Drifting away from the cracks
of my palm that tries hopefully
To gain a firm grip
At a hollowness that can never be filled
By a misplaced piece of puzzle
Placed by a blind hand
that cracks from loneliness.
1000
A thousand years
More than 365000 days of longing
More than 365000 nights of hollow
Incomplete i stood by myself
Waiting for a promise of uncertain realization
Holding on to words that were only said once
As i continue to wait
Alone and alone
A thousand years
More than 8766000 hours of hoping
More than 525960000 minutes of fearing
Everything around me moves by the second
Still like a sculpture welded by time as it passes by
Benumb from the feeling that burns within me
All the more reasons
As i whisper to myself
A thousand sidereal years
A thousand frozen revolutions about the sun
Of 365 days, 6 hours, 9 minutes, 9.54 seconds
As I picture you together in my mind
The contour of your face
Your silhouette grows
In every corner of my heart
Trying to piece together the you I thought I knew
The you who's promises i held onto till this moment
And will keep holding on to
For even if it takes
Another thousand years
just got bek frm a long anticipated yam-char session with my sai-mui & yee-mui.
had a tey-tayrek special, malaysian lemon-ice syrup, and malaysian chocolate ice, plus quite a few sticks of heaven.
it just feels really good to be able to sit down n chat with my Christines. and my yee-mui's man-tao jokes really made me laugh. (thanks, i really needed it)
here's a pretty picture i took of the two of'em. sai-mui said its been a very long time since anyone had given her flowers, so i decided to photoshop some for her. n i'm always a fair tailou, so my yee-mui oso got. muahahaha.....
ps: aren't they lovely. the flowers i mean =P
Feels like I've lived forever
Walking the same pebbled flights
Smelling the same stale walls
Touching the same frozen terminus
Wanting to cross over
but prevented by the boundaries you'd placed
right at the corner of your heart
Feels like I've lived forever
For I've seen all the misplaced sadness
Meager emotions stifling my smiles
As tears quenches the coarse sniveling
You sat there by my side
touched me and whispered cotton words
made me believe that the pain would stop
Feels like I've lived forever
Ever since my sight caught your blithe visage
My ears heard your geometrical nose
My mouth spoke of your hazel eyes
My hands felt your full shoulder
As you pulled me closer
and sprinkled stars over my sky
shaping constellations engraved in these pupils
For how can I not remember
Even if I've lived forever
someone asked me today,
"Are u happy with your life?"
I know i know, its sounds so cliche. but believe it or not, i can't remember me ever asking myself this question.
so, how did i answer this 54.000 dollar question?
simple, i just smile and said: "If you define living a tasteless life as happy. then yes, i'm indeed very happy."
so how should we define a happy life?
for me, its rather simple:
'To be able to eat whenever i feel hungry.
To be able to laugh whenever i feel happy.
To be able to cry whenever i feel sad.
To be able to sleep whenever i feel tired.
To be able to sing whenever i feel like it.
To be able to hang out with friend and live a bit after a tiring day of dying.
To be able to fine the silver lining of every unpleasant thing.
To be able to see the ones i love and let them know how much i love them.
And, last but not least....
To be able to kiss the person i love, whenever i want to."
now, is that too much to ask for?
Today should be one of the biggest day of my life. but to be honest, i'm not excited about it. i wanted to pretend to intentionally over sleep, so i can just sleep over it. but due to occupational habits, i automatically woke up when the clock struck eight.
a few weeks ago, when others asked me whether i'm attending my own convocation, i could honestly say that i wasn't sure. i wasn't sure that i could stand there in my robe, watching others being surrounded by their friends and family. i am not sure i can still smile for the camera seeing others being showered by flowers and gifts. i am no that sure i can stop myself from falling back into that pit of darkness that i've been trying so hard to crawl out of, watching others having ALL their loved ones by their side to celebrate the 4 years that they've spent here.
So i decided not to go. but i foolishly let my friend convinced me to do otherwise. i was persuaded to go, saying that i should not miss this once in a lifetime opportunity. by saying that they will be there as my family cheering for me in the hall when i take the long walk on stage. only at that time, i realized how much i was longing to have my family here, all of them.
when i enrolled into this university, i had my mom, sister, brother liang, lee ann, my uncle... all sending me thousand of miles, carrying all my luggage, right into my dorm room. but now that i'm leaving this place, i have no one. infact, it makes me so sad that i've lost some of the people that i love during the time i've spent here, and they don't get to see me, trying to make to make them proud on this day.
i still remember what brother liang said on my first day of uni. we were late for registeration because he had diarrhea due to food poisoning the night before. "we will come again in a convoy after another four years. " i knew that he was just joking, but somehow that gave me the strenght to hold on for the past four years. knowing that this will be over in four years and i will be celebrated like a hero by them for surviving it.
but now, ever since last night, i've been feeling very reluctant to be there for this day. i did not have any hope or expectation for this day at first. but then what my friends said had got me started building up hopes. i was hoping that there will be people there with me, around me if not surrounding me. so i went through all the rigamaroles of applying for my annual leave, taking unpaid leave just to line up outside the hall and waited for hours to pay a ridiculously high rent for the graduation robe. but now, besides chek, all i'll have is just being surrounded by strangers having their own celebrations, and i am truly not a part of them.
what are friends? (if i am allowed to ask this question again) are they just people who say that they are? or are like the ones i saw in the sex and the city movie last nite, supporting u for whoever you are and whatever you do. now i can honest ly say that i don't know. but this is what i wished they were: i wish they would not talk about u behind you and spread lies about every situation. i wish they would put away their own discomfortness and make sure that they are there for one of the biggest day in your life, when u really need them to be, coz for once they should realize that it might be about you too and not always about themselves. i wish that they can stand up for you and defend you when u are sad and upset, since they should be the ones who know you better. i wish that they would forgive and forget all the small bickering and misunderstanding that might happened due to my own inability to communicate feelings and thoughts when i'm going through emotional turmoils. and i wished that they would keep their promise and be there(or at least try to) for you when you need them the most, no matter what.
reality checks in, i have nobody.
its been a pretty mundane week. this week is specifically set for the progress test, so we don't have the usual classes. anyway, i have plenty things to keep me busy, like invigilating the exams, marking test papers, preparing next weeks lessons, and also make serious preparation for my new lower basic class starting next week.
got my first official paycheck today. it isn't much, but still i worked really hard for it. however, after deducting things like household allowances for my parents, rent, debts to be paid, groceries and stuff. i barely have anything left. sad, i know. but i can't expect much with such puny salary.
sigh.....
sigh............
sigh...............................................................................................................................................................
but look on the bright side, i'm gaining valueble experience here. now i'm gaining experience in training international students, next year i'll be handling local students. so, yeah, it would help to build up my resume and stuff. and after that, if i'm still not so happy with the increment, i'll just bit them farewell, in search of greener pastures.
was on the phone with christine just now. we were both bitching about our job. from undergrads, we've turned into underpaid and under appreciated freshgrads. but no matter how much we moan n whine, deep down we know that we are just releasing tension, n we don't really hate it that much. well, maybe a little, heheh....
but sigh, how to make ends meet when ur being paid so little? thought about getting part-times, but i wouldn't want to bite off more than i can swallow wouldn't i?
guess i better stick to the 'roti-for-lunch-regime' that i've going on the past four weeks =(
or would chow-kit be a better option?
ps: i'm expecting a nephew!!!!
ps2: incase ur wondering, the post got it title becoz i was lying on my bed marking exam papers when i got the phonecall from christine =P
just woke up from a short nap that started around 7.30pm until now, 11pm. and will probably pick up where i left off after i finish this. this is no longer out of the ordinary for me. i've had my fair amounts of 'got-back-from-work-and-just-fall-onto-bed-and-die' those kinda days.
today i spent 9.00am to 3.30 am teaching non-stop, with just two 30 minutes breaks in between. after that, i rushed back to the office for a department meeting for the language center lecturers. the meeting dragged on until 5.30, and i was safely home by 6.00pm.
but really, i've got nothing much to complain about.
offcourse the work is very tiring, with the demanding workload and enormous pressure. off course its intimidating being the only non-master holder(what more the least experienced one)amongst all the other great lecturers. off course the international students are very hard to deal with as language, culture and life style can be a pretty huge barrier, and not to mention most of them are (much) older than me. off course from time to time, i would feel like giving up, stop trying and just pack my stuff and leave everything behind. off course life had become reasonably mundane for me now that working had consumed almost 3/4 of my time(and the 1/4 left i would spend pig-ing away).
but i am counting my blessings. at least i've got a stable job. at least i get pain every month. at least now i can help out with the financial situation of my family. at least i am now one step closer to buying myself a decent car(but i love bein a motorcyclist, except when it rains). at least after six month i will be transfered to the australian matriculation program(AUSMAT) department, but i'm sure i will miss these international students deeply. at least my students are fond of me and enjoy my classes(but they seem toi be showing this in their own ways). at least if things doesn't work out with this job, there will be other prospects out there to fall back on. and last but not least, at least i still have friend that i can always count on for "hey, I'm bored, lets hang out." that kinda things, and many other things(thank u guys).
next week i will start teaching my lower basic classes. i am a bit worried because i heard that it can be quite nerve-wreckingly challenging, and i have really big shoes to fill.
but hey, challenges IS a part of life, and i've survived so far.
so yes, i am growing up, and i'm actually fine with it.
From this
To this....
And this, Zzzzzzzz.....
Put away your misery
Tug away the pain
Stop numbing this with debauchery
Nor let your self it taints
You've witnessed every shatters
You've picked up all the debris
For every one that matters
Leaves shadows scar your iris
A heart filled by nothing
Dampens the light encircles
Their kindness meant for soothing
Scorched pride turns obstacles
Don't shun us from your sadness
Disguised by sardonic sarcasm
Amidst the sorrow lonesomeness
Rest, let us take you to our bosoms
I know that it won't cease hurting
But at least you'll have a shelter for the wounded soul
its the end of the weekend, but it still feels like i'm stuck in any other weekdays.
had a restless weekend. spent almost the entire weekend at home alone, in my room. been doing nothing, except goin grocery shopping, watch tv and online.
been doing a lot of thinking too.
sigh...
i've realized that we are alone in this world. no matter what you might think, no matter what others say, no matter how things seem to be, we are still alone. nobody would be there to accompany or help you when you need it. nobody care or worries about you when all you need is a simple 'how are you?' msg. ppl would think and behave like they care, but do they really.
after all, 'self-' in the word 'selfish' does not mean other people. so generally, its safe for me to say that ppl are selfish. they don't see all that u've done for them, be it big things or a lot of small things. when u ask them for help, all that u get thrown at u are reluctant excuses.
i am a person who likes to keep my problems to myself. i do and always do prefer to solve my own problems. so i won't come to you and ask for favours, unless i really need ur help. so, go figure.
maybe its time for me to pick up the same 'selfish' attitude as well. who knows, then they will get a taste of what its like to be alone n helpless.
Karma does goes around you know.
Duck, i used to
From the burning glare
Ruthless comments cuts
As I drown in obsessive thoughts
By no one, but myself
Worrying every minute away
Looks, whispers, sneer...
I used to care about
It used to bug me what you see
Think, says, likings
Now I simper and look away
As you chose to walk out
And i decided to let go
Great times there were
Bad times lingers
If you really saw me
Then this would not be the ending
Words were said, towels were thrown
Still I am the same
inside still the same I am
If only you knew
Wrong was we
To be doing to each other
What we said we wouldn't
But time is endless
unlike our patience
You no longer sees me
And I no longer hear you
Shun from with
I swallow as you break
Decided to journey with others
Retreat
I return to this shell
That i left when i met you
Its still echoing cold inside
But it shields me from the rest
While i seal myself
And revert to a closet
To before it ever started
No longer
Do I know you.
Why Singapore Girls can never win pageant
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always
ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or
higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years
ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA,
Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked ? simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with
the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruitstarting with the
letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss
Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was
having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!
(the view from my bedroom window every morning)
it's been quite a long week for me. but so far, i'm feeling like i'm living every minute of it to the fullest. i no longer drift through the whole day asking myself: 'what have i done today?' instead, i wud now constantly ask myself: 'what haven't i done today?'
working life is so far ok for me. i mean, its a lot of pressure and all, but its all worth it. n i dun mean the pay. its da whole process of having to learn or re-learn something before i am actually able to teach it to my classes that makes it all worth it. i am constantly on my toes, learning and revising everything. because i am no longer a student in a university, am no longer a teacher in school. no longer am i suppose to allow myself to barely pull through everyday with the thought of merely pulling my loads. i have responsibilities now, a hell lot of it, n i intend to perform my best.
the challenges are getting more and more nerve-wrecking by the day, and i can feel myself getting stronger and wiser by the day. i know that i will come out from the other end of this, as a whole new better me.
i thank God for opening a window for me. and may this window broaden and becomes a big door for me, n the people i love.
i am truly living my life by the moment. every moment that i get to do something with my life, every moment that i get to spent with my friends and my loved ones, and every moment that i spent with my love. all these moments, make-up a life. and a fairly good one i would propose.
I am living. I can now finally say that without a flinch.
I am truly living.
p.s: today i went out window shopping with Chek and pn.Ki. and the moment i saw this, i just knew that i have to have it in my room, at a corner where i can see it everyday.
and this is how it looks like when i turn the lights off =)
Simply magnificent!
after many nerve-wrecking hardships and soul-searching, i shall no longer idle my life away by continuing to contemplate all the possibilities out there. instead, this time I'm grabbing the bull by its horns(this is the first time I've got it rite, i would always prefer to say 'grabbing the bulls by its balls') and charge straight into the working field.
i told myself that there is no turning back from this one! if it promises you a secured future, then no matter how mentally or physically draining it is, you must cling to your decision and live up to your reputation. stop being this wuss that is afraid to venture into the unknown simply because your worried bout hurting your already wounded self. wounds would eventually heal, it takes time but it does. so what if there's gonna be another cut or two along the path? You've been through much worse, so this is going to be a breeze for you.
kick off this new found negativity in yourself, just because you've seen all the sad ending that happens to the people around you, and witnessed the pain and suffering your loved ones are going through, it doesn't mean that you shan't hope anymore. you should keep on hoping, in fact, you should keep on believing that there are happiness and rewards waiting for those who hope and believe. as long as we can live through all the storms and tornadoes along the way.
You're finding your way. may it not be an easily padded green path, but still, it is a path, your path nonetheless. hence, you better start walking bro. so here I am, putting on my best leather shoes.
he waited for rain in this long hot drought,
he prays that He will see him cry,
He told him that He did not forget him,
and it rained...
this is by far, my favourite quote from a book.
"I don't remember ever once having that feeling, the feeling i so often had afterwards, that empty moment of waking up and dreading the day, of being a stranger, an impostor inside my own skin, scared of my surroundings, sad that i had woken up. One morning, one long gradual morning, i started to wake up without the covers on me, cold, breathing too quickly. That morning lasted four years.
Some days you wake up but there is more sleep in you and you can let yourself drift, wake again, then sleep, picking the moment to open your eyes properly for the first time. You swim against the day, kicking your legs to push away until you are ready to feel it pull you in. Other mornings the more you concentrate on sleep, the less you will. The sheets are too hot, the bed too cold, and the curtains never perfectly closed."
These days, i wake up each day refusing to open my eyes.
was idling at home, n just simply browsing through the content of my pc. bump into sum pics that reminds me of the old days, so decided to do a photo post, since it's been ... god knows how long since my last one. so here it goes....
my 1st time on look out point
i bet da cake was covered with our saliva =P
i miss DJ
the best school ever!!!
pn ki, selling her 'twist, lick, n dunk' theory.
me.... erm...either having a headache, or 'mou-ngan-tai'...
i miss how we used to sing our hearts out in cheap karaoke cubicles...
and how we can forget everything after an arcade session.
or a crazy nite-out.
this is good....
but this is better =)
she was hot!!!
the ever so cheerful red...
the ever so controlled ad...
and the ever so leng-cai chek, hohoho...
i actually miss this corridor
one word--'damn painful', no, make that two words.
always be my babies
hope there'll b only sunny days ahead for her
he insisted on waiting for his grandma by the windows...
we had fun.
ermmm.....
food down, weight up.
when ppl's too deaf to listen, u write.
the source of all evil-ish smells, can i jus box him up n throw'em into the river?
this picture makes me sad =(
where we go to when it rains in bkt bintang.
i love this pic, its so colourful albeit the weather...
i prefer candid =P
Rings any bell?
yup! dr sue's class(L.Of.L)
we would nvr be too old to camwhore ;)
so nice!!!
i think he's gonna grow up to be quite a heart-breaker.
jangan pandang belakang, pandang tepi.
jaysern took this, and he's only 2!
my nephew took this pic, and she smiled for him.
we miss him.....
