a short note from an insomniac

Lately, haven't been updating my blog as i should. Just don't feel like there's much to write here at this time, might be due to the melancholic fear that lingers at the end of each year, or the mundane realization of a jaded mind.

Anyhow, i did wrote short pieces on this website set up by the british council people. so far i had submitted 2 pieces(the fruit of two particular sleepless night which had the inner writer in me itched to come out) .

so enjoy(or not).

*****************************************************
Sanctuary

He stands outside, on the balcony.

The rain pours and soaks his wavy hair, the wind pushes his stiff flesh, the storm grows harder and harder, outside and inside of him.

His emotion is numb. Living in this big city so many call home has taken it's toll on him. His body grows stiffer, toughen from all the challenges he faces on a daily basis. But his mind is limp, weaken by the constant worries and doubts. His spirit drowned, as it spirals down a water spout, a vortex of realism.

What's left of his mind wanders off to a time, a time where he still have traces of hopes and dreams rooted in his heart. An ambitious young man, as his friends and family would refer to him as. Now, where did that young man disappear to?

This place. He chose to live in this place because it hides him from the big city. Instead of facing high rising buildings, chaotic billboards, and blinding lights all over, he choose to be facing this piece of green. A mountain of trees surrounding a deep bottomless lake.

It brings him peace, it calms his soul. He would stand outside for hours. Starring at it, especially during rains. The rain water collected on the mountain top would form a temporary waterfall. And he would stand there and watch, until the waterfall drips it's last drop of water.

Afterward, he has to turn around, step back into the harsh reality. The reality of a world that consumes souls and thoughts, breaks hopes and shatters dreams.

But until then, he remains standing, starring out a a land of green, peace, and serenity....

**************************************************************

Distance

She sat there. The mug of 'hot-cham' in front of her had ceased to puff thin layer of heat.

Sitting opposite her wasn't the familiar face that's already engraved in her pupils. And that was a fact she was more than aware of.

"You know how people always ask how you are, whether they bump into you on the street, call you, or even drive all the way to your house to check on you? I start to wonder about the kind of answers that they expect to get. Should I just put on a facade front, just smile and nod submissively? Cause by being honest, I would do nothing but stir their worries."

I nodded.

"How can I be fine. I wake up every morning, realising that he's gone. Everything I'm used to, each moment that I knew.... All that is him, their no longer there."

I nodded.

"Two person meet each other, then love each other, becomes an entire life for each other. But when one of them has to go, when one of them isn't there anymore, what is to be of the other one?"

I nodded.

"You know what's worse about having to wake up and continue living your life afterward? It's the distance, it's the distance that hurts. And the pain inflicted by this distance is the same regardless of you being the one leaving, or the one left behind.... It hurts equally. Eternally...."

I nodded. "So what could you possibly do to make yourself okay, to feel better.... When the distance get so big, you feel so far away that you just can't stand it no more?"

I nodded.

"Can I let go, am I allowed to fall.... When there's so many people relying, counting on your well-being?"

I stayed still.

a weekend with myself

It's a longer weekend. (though would much prefer it to be even LONGER)
But I'm proud to say that i've spent the past three days, almost entirely on my own! No dates, no drinks with friends, no being Mc'Notty, nor any other things of that sort. I, for the first time, am actually comfortable going about doing things on my own. yesterday, i spent the day working at home, then drove out to get some work done, then went for a very late brunch in Bangsar, then walked around and did some light shopping, before i hit the gym. And for once, it didn't feel odd or awkward for me to be doing all these on my own.

i must admit that, while i was having lunch, i looked around and i saw the patrons at other tables, sitting together, with lovers or friends, happily chatting away, or indulging in some PDA, the thought of envy did flashed across my mind. but it was momentary, before i quickly realize that, this is serenity i'm feeling, not envy nor loneliness.

I know I know, some of you should be going "there he goes again.... DENIAL!" by now. but i admit, ever since don't-know-when, i simply forgotten how it was like to be alone. I have some close friends around me who claims that they are very comfortable being alone and they ARE constantly spending their time in solidarity. But who are they kidding? they wouldn't be out & about with others all the time if they do. enough said, its easier to preach than do. so i'm not about to write a sermon here.

but i've vowed to myself, from now on, i'm going to be comfortable being with only myself. I don't need to have plans up to my neck, coz i'm just simply happy being with myself. doing thing that entertains no one but me :) (though i must admit that my idea of entertainment could be perceived as slightly bizarre by others)

I am contented. I may not have much, i may not do much, i may not know much, but i am contented.

may i have more of these optimistic days to come. Cheerio!

Julie & Julia

i haven't read the book yet, but i love the film. the plot is pretty simple, and everything is explained in a clear & specific way. the acting was superb, offcoz coz its meryl streep & amy adams we're talking bout here.

but the thing that attracted me the most was how a simple story of a simple life, can be transformed and entwined with that of sheer mundane excitement. I guess i sort of relate to what the main protaganist is going through: have been leading an eventless life, to the point of losing passion and direction. this was what lead to her revalation. she is far from perfect, self prolaimed bitch, unappreciative of her fantastically understanding partner, and neglects her cat. i'm sure not many would want to even compare themselves to such a character. but oddly, since the beginning of the film, i can't help but sense a connection. its one of those movies that within the first five minutes even, u just know that it would leave a deep impact in you and be life altering to a certain extend.

take it from me, i'm not big about films that show case a lot of 'mouth-watering' food (unless it's pastries!) but this one is simply a must watch!!!


Passion, Ambition, Butter.

Do you have what it takes?

Poetry

I started writing poetry
The day I met you
Your glances animate words
arranging themselves in verses
Your limbs conjure rhythms
dancing around in stanzas
Your smile inspire dreams
living in poems dedicated to you

I started writing poetry
The day I met you
Your voice enliven imagery
living vividly in your giggles
Your skin elicit metaphors
of lustrous silk cocooning every curve
Your name dream up similes
of our mounting desire for tomorrows

I stopped writing poetry
The day you left me
Eyes tearing as I reread the very verses
marked and scarred by your prints
Hands tearing the same sheets
that recorded our past in black and white
Heart torn as irrepressible thoughts flow
across a map of faded loving verses
that no longer bare meanings, not any more

I stopped writing poetry
The day you left me
The very day I died along
all the imaginations of a life
that wouldn't be complete without
all the punctuations pausing and breaking
as the tip of my pen put all these down
in black and white for you to sing

I stopped writing poetry
The day the phone rang
Another voice bid your goodbyes
as my heart ceased to beat along your flat pulse
Sadness streaming along frozen cheeks
symbolizing the vast inner emptiness
you drew around my poetic world
even if I vowed to stop loving
the day you left me behind
the very day you died.

Mr. Lonely

Watching TV alone is dull. Lazing on the couch & reading alone is boring. Sitting in a restaurant and taking your meals alone is pathetic. Working out at the gym alone is depressing. Sipping a cup of hot caramel macchiato alone in starbucks on a rainy night is pitiful.Lying alone in bed afterwards is lonesome. Waking up alone staring at the vastness of your bed is saddening. Being alone is lonely. Being alone is tough.

That is what i constantly tell myself while going through the rigmaroles of a day.

Since when did i become this creature that dreads solidarity. Since when did that boy who walks around on his own doing everything alone turn into this stranger who is constantly scared of being alone.

Is being on your own that hard? At 25, is it absolutely crutial for me to have a constant companion to share everything with, & to create new memories with?

These questions puzzle me.

Yet, i ponder over and over again over the validity of having companionship for the sake of companionship.

A friend questioned me last night: Would it be wrong to be with someone for reasons other than love?

My answer: No, it's not wrong. It's a materialistic world out there, so at time we need to be realistic. Security secures love. And if you sincerely love & care for someone, you would do everything in your power to provide them that.

But before i fell asleep, it strucks me: Would I settle for a love-less relationship? Regardless whether love comes before of after the relationship, would I still insist on it?

just questions, & more questions. Sigh, an idle mind thinks too much.

Memoir of a Devil Child

If the title of the post manage to catch your attention, then it has served its purpose well :)



seriously, lately i've been far from a devilish, demonic, villainous, or any form of evil for that matter. I've been a really really good boy. (Grin!)



the days have been mundane, yet eventful at the same time. let me elaborate. there's no more classes as the AUSMAT-ians had survived their external exams, and i don't get to see their cute faces on a daily basis anymore. but still, i have to be at the office regadless. plus, we have our hands full with the preparation for the graduation ceremony, and revamping the syllabus for the new batch. i have to cut out and exclude a lot of things that i love and am passionate about. but still, i'm more than willing to. coz after all, its about the students, and not me :( Although i would so much prefer it the other way around.



I've been trying to work out more, and am miraculously losing weight and fat!!! YAY!!! now, i'm like 2 inches closer to my 4 packs!!! muahahaha(see, i'm not that greedy afterall la Addy :P)

(17-11-2009)
the first half of the post was drafted the previous week.
************************************************************************

since the last post, i've been working out.... 1...2....3....4....., only ONCE. been feeling lethargic and not really in the mood of going anywhere or doing anything. Went & watched A Christmas Carol 3D with a friend, but ended up blanking out through the show. due to the boring-ness of the show, and the not-so-extravagant 3D effects. IOW, its over rated. sigh... was hoping to have something that would cheer me up and pick my mood up before going for the Prom Nite. wouldn't want to show up all melancholic & sour-faced. Guess that didn't work.

arrived at the Prom thingy late, due to the freaking jam. plus, my Canary's air conditioning decided to bail on me, so was sweating through the 1 and a half hour jam. (and winding down the car window didn't help at all).

the function was......(Deleted.... Deleted..... Deleted.....)
thankfully i was seated at the 'entertaining' table. Mahdi cracked loads of jokes that made us laughed our heads off. And if you know me well, then you should know that the sadder i'm feeling, the harder i laugh.

I've always hated functions like these. functions that serves as a sort of farewell ritual. a rite of passage for people whose supposedly should be moving on to the next phase in their lives. its all about taking the last photos together, expressing gratitudes, apologizing, and most heart-wrenchingly is saying goodbye.

people are departing. stepping away from the usual rigmaroles of the previous days.

its just so very depressing to say goodbye to people who you are used to, and had became a part of your routine, a part of your life. And i am always not good as saying goodbyes. (being the emotional self that i am) I left early that night, not being able to linger any longer, as emotions might take over. the gloomy clouds over my head might just decide to start pouring.

in the car, i turned the stereo on, maximise the volume, hoping that Mariah would whistle the clouds away. but it didn't work. ended up stopping my car by the roadside to avoid endangering others by me driving under emotional influence.

Saying goodbye is sad, regardless the occasion.

a Single Thought

I sat lonely
Staring at the empty chairs around me
Eyes touch the cold floor
Reflected from the black walls surrounding me
A deep breath
To ease myself from freezing

I thought I found you
The day I saw your face
The way it glistened under the lights
Amongst everyone else that matters
Your soul sounds the most beautiful
Like a birthday song on a winter's night

I lost you
The day you decided to leave
Leave me alone in your past
Stitched together by sadness and tears
Cemented into a mere sculptor
Displayed in your museum of memories

I inhale the wind
That stench from the vast emptiness
You left resonating in our familiar place
Where no longer you sit right in front of me
And smile as I study the contour of your face
And a soul that was so so beautiful.

Long pause, and no answer.

Is this love,
when you wake up thinking of somebody
wondering whether they've awaken
hoping that they are up and thinking about you
too

Is this love,
when the first thing you do
after you've arrived at work
is to text them good morning,have a good day
HUGS!!!

Is this love,
when during lunch time with friends
all you can think and talk about is them
and all you can imagine is them sitting infront of you
darn!

Is this love,
when you hang on to every word they say
even revamp your room according to their liking
and paste floral wallpapers just because they like flowers
sigh....

Is this love,
when on mondays
you are already planning for friday
and how you're gonna be lazing the weekend away
together.

Is this love,
when you can forget everything and everyone else
put your life by the sidelines
for they trump absolutely anything
everything!

Is this love,
when you lose sleep at night
can't seem to shut your eyes for minutes
as they consume you inside out
restless

Is this love,
when you become emotionally inept
poetically dramatic with your words
even when ordering an alluringly provocative grande sized caramel macchiato
extra caramel sauce please.

Is this love?
Well, apparently not.

To Swallow:

Dear Swallow,
Why insist on flying with the rain
When the wind cruel and the water pinches
Soaked through delicate shinny quills
Drenched by the sorrow of morbid tears
Harbinger of heartbreaks that follows after another
Wing gracefully flapped as you swiftly snatched
The next gullible green that comes along
But on your wings you shall stay
Transient as your feathers age with time
And the glossy blue fades into a ghoulish green
The songs once chirped in joy of love
Wilted along the fall of your soulmate
As you shall return in the storm
To the birthnest where you began
And shall end in a forlorn cry
Of a swallow that once knew happiness.

the sweet november

am blogging A LOT lately. just in case ur wondering, i have A LOT of blogs to manage. in fact, just started a new one for my new batch of AUSMAT 2010! Gosh, am so tired of signing in and out of different accounts.

well, at least one good thing came out from me constantly being on blogger. that is i finally get to giving my favourite blog a new look :) Hope you love it as much as i do!

life has been plain lately, painfully plain. work has been paperwork non-stop, preparing and re-preparing for the new semester year is taking its toll on both me and miss chan. we seriously deserve a long break(but would settle for a short one too) and a huge fat ass kicking bonus!!!(please.... pretty please...*puppy eyes*)

social life wise, i'm thankful that i'm surrounded by good friends, great friends that i can always count on to share the ups and downs of life with. I love you guys!!!! HUGS!!!!!

Love wise.... ermmmm..... am hopeful. am hopeful that this someone i'm seeing is worth the rest of my life with. But i can't help but be very careful, cause I really want things to work out and i can't afford to be shattered again. so I AM HOPEFUL. I BELIEVE. And I AM TRYING! ;)

thats all about my life for now. care to tell me about yours? :)

And....

As a constant reminder of....

Earthlings

I lie there
Fully conscious
Sensory intensified
Bludgeoned, My skull
Smashed into hundred ten pieces
Flaming blood splashes across
A faithful face I trust
A face too familiar
Yet so distant with cold
A face that's alive
But so near to my death

I lie there
Fully conscious
Dumbfounded, My trust
Breached by the obsolete kindness
I once showed to you and your kind
As my eye gape in terror
A pair of bloody hands
Along many many other hands
Smashing and slashing
Every drop of life
Out of every single inch of my flesh

Where is the knowing that should be guiding the gullible
Where is the strong that should be protecting the weak
Where is the civilised that should be enlightening the innocent
Where is the merciful that should be loving the forgotten
Where is the tall and mighty that should be sheltering the rest

If killing me is merely a sport
Than my tomorrow will be the prize to pay

Damn, its gonna be November soon!

I just spent the past 45 minutes, lying on bed, biting my nails, squeezing my brain juice, trying to scribble down a list of ambitious, yet reachable new year resolutions. i don't usually put a lot of thoughts to this sort of things, but since i'm already a quarter of a century old, and will be evn more ancient next year, so i guess its about time i do.

sigh... it does makes me so depressed going through the things that i'm suppose to have done or achieved by now, but failed to do so. procrastination, thou shall no longer be thy companion.

my list, so far has 5 items on it. but some of it are too personal, that i shan't share it here.

(M chugging down a cup noodle while writing this, BAD HABIT! well, forgiven considering i only had two subway sandwiches for the entire day. plus, i gymed today!!!)

gosh, i suddenly miss home. haven't been home for more than 6 months now. i miss the mother who would sit infront of the tv and watch sappy movies or drama and cry together with me. i miss the father who would send me the same text FOUR times at 2/3a.m. waking me up just to tell me not to stay up late coz its bad for my health!!! I miss my babies!!! Lee Ann who should be pretty tall by now, JaySern who constantly call me up asking for candy, and Wayne Hern who should be able to run around by now. can't wait to see them and run around with them all day long!!!

sigh.... now time for my last doze of meds!!!

Life. oh life.

15 confessions

1. i'm a huge fan of Britney, Mariah, Shakira and wonderpets!

2. I collect children's book, especially beautifully illustrated ones.

3. I cry and eat Mc'D sundaes when i'm sad. highest record so far would be 6 sundaes in a row.

4. I love romantic comedies.

5. I don not plan ahead, especially when it comes to life. live the minute, free yet reckless.

6. I can be extremely short-tempered at times, and tend to say or do things that i would regret of later on.

7. I try my best not to feel regret of what had been done, as its obviously pointless.

8. I'm extremely clumsy and absent-minded. You won't believe my track record.

9. Insecurity is my Achilles's heel, I lack confident and is extremely afraid of being alone.

10. I had only one serious relationshiop before, and it lasted for 2 years, but was only good for one. It dragged on as i refused to see the truth.

11. I like teaching. I like to do a lot of things actually. but socializing is not one of them.

12.

I don't believe in relationship anymore.

but i am constantly in fear of missing out on love and the one, then growing old and dying alone.

13. I hate people who lie to me. i will never give my full trust to someone who does so, even once.

14. I'm secretly self-destructive, and self contradictory. Afraid of being alone, yet enjoy solidarity, hence, keep a safe distance from everyone.

15. I might say otherwise, but i think watching movies alone is the saddest thing on earth.

this over-rated thing call love

I remember hearing from someone, or is it somewhere, that love completes a person's life.
and being the usual naive and easily influence blond that i am, i took it up word for word. i believed in it, and i held on to it as a sort of mantra of my life.

ever since then, i've been constantly looking over my shoulder, left and right, constantly on the look out, in case my true love might be passing me by, in fear that within the blink of an eye i might miss out on it.

keep telling myself that 'you'll never know for sure who is the one, unless you've put in everything you have and tried your best.' and i did, put myself in it, whole-heartedly, each and every time. and it is always the case, that each and every time, my heart was returned to me, battered and worn. 'at least you can now know for sure that it's not the one, so you can continue looking for the right one' and i smile, a bitter heart.

now, after a quarter of a century, after a few heartbreaks and failed relationships, after seeing the perfect persons turn into the complete strangers, i should change.

i should no longer believe in this cliche thing call 'LOVE'.
i should not wear my heart on my sleeves and expose myself to be scratched and wounded.
i should just sneer and say 'fuck love! who needs it when they can just settle for carefree sex and life'
i should shouldn't i?

****************************************************

should I?

people are inconsistent. as i've witnessed throughout my years living with them. they can say one thing and mean another. they can promise something, then go do others. they can appear to be your true friend at one time, then turn their back on you the next.

so how can i trust? who can i trust? who should i trust with something so important as my heart. because once its beating stop, so will I.

should i trust someone who say that they will try and not break it? or should i trust some one who promise to keep it together with their own and lock it up forever, imprison it with theirs.

frankly, i do not know.

these days, i ain't know nothing anymore.

and it's better that way. it's for the better. believe that it's for the better....

12 Lotus made me cry!!!

I have a few confessions to make:

1. I am secretly addicted to chocolate chip cookies, especially while watching movies.

2. i can finish two large packets of Ruffles, with mayo dippings, while watching any movies

3. I ALWAYS cry from watching movies.

4. its always the oddest things in a movie that stimulate my tear buds.

5. I cried watching Rambo for heaven's sake!


now, after knowing all these dark twisted secret about me, i bet u won't be surprised to learn that i cried, yet again, watching this Singaporean film called '12 Lotus'.

but if u've seen the film, or at least know what its about, you would be.

12 Lotus is the title of a hokkien song, that is usually performed in 'getai' (i think thats how i'm supposed to spell it) or a cabaret-like performance amongst the chinese community, esp during the hungry ghost month.

the movieevolves around the life-story of our female protaganist, from childhood onwards. and yes, she was a 'getai' singer. i was very surprised by the way the director brilliantly blended hokkien tunes into the plot of the film. and how small small details are given the proper attention, that they managed to touched deep far corners in my heart taht hadn't been reached by other films. some might argue that the plot is of a cliche and melodramatic sort. but think again, isn't that what's all our lives about? whether you like to admit it or not.

i spent the entire night, laughing, and crying with thecharacters. and trust me, if my hokkien is fluent enough, i would even be singing with them.

and some scenes are just so beautifully shot, they practically took my breath away!!!

so if you haven't seen this film, get a hold of it and SEE IT!!!

last but not least, i would like to quote from the film ;)

"Without love, there wouldn't be pain.
Without pain, there wouldn't be love."

so simple, yet so true.

an update.... for keeping sake

Feeling less lethargic lately. have loads to do, but am still picking up more things to do. dealing with work as i should, pick up charcoal sketching again after such a long time, keeping myself fit and toned by going to the gym more often, even writing a short play. who needs people when you can do all these by urself rite, heheh(dry)

relationship wise, i've decided to let go. i've always knew that not everything will always go the way we want them to, esp things like this. so i've told myself to stop looking, and let it find you instead. just don't stop believing. everyone needs a reason to wake up to, and that reason is the person that will walk beside you for the rest of your life, down the aisle or not. and along the way i will make friends, good friends or average friends, but still, friends.

social life wise, i'm fed-up with most of the ppl who i thought were my friends all along. some of them just seriously need an attitude change. sit down and thjink people. think of how i've treated you as a friend, and think back on how you've treated me back. like what someone told me lastnite: 'you could never go wrong by putting yourself in other people's shoes' So sit down and at least be willing to spare me some thoughts, or else, what we had is not worth keeping, and i'll be more that glad to say goodbye.

it's true what Woo Ming Jin's short film character says:
'This is a big city, but sometimes it's the loneliest place.'

Resuming life as a passenger

when i was young(as in kiddy young) i'm always the one who would not bicker with my siblings over who gets to seat in the front seat of my father's old ferrari. rather, i would volunteer to sit at the back, preferably by the window.

then i would roll down the window and rest my elbow on the window frame, and my chin on top of it. wind would be blowing across my face as my father 'speed' through the familiar roads. my eyes would be rolling left-right-p-down, scanning and taking in everything i could see. my sisters would be complaining that the wind is too strong and its messing their hair up, but duh... like i care?

then, as i grew up, all the cars i've ever sat in got airconditioning. naturally, i no longer have an excuse to roll down the window. i would glance at the world outside and realize that somehow, everything seems to have lost its lushes colour through the thin layer of tinted glass. i yearn to reach my hand out and touch, but am afraid of being lashed for blotching the car window with my dirty fingers.

as time goes by, i started to pay less attention to what is outside the car window. instead, i would constantly be sitting in the front seat of the car and staring straight ahead of the road, or scrutinizing every single detail of the auto's interior(or the driver's)

then, i became a driver myself, chances to look at the sceneries outside became even more scarce. slowly, i forgot how to 'see' and 'appreciate' the sceneries outside. the many many little beauty that are placed around us. i learnt to obey the rules (or rather law) of life, set by others. like: focus on the road, do not be distracted by things outside, stare straight ahead, and only ahead, glance at the rear mirror occasionally.... the more i obey and practice all these, the more i forget about the importance of stopping and seeing the things around me. the more i drive ahead, the more i loose track of the things and people that passes by beside me.

but thankfully, i got a gentle reminder a few weeks ago. as i crashed my car into the back of a lorry, and practically shattered the front part of my car, eventhough i manage to get out of the car(after they pull the door off) without a scratch. the first thought that came to my panic mind was... NO! not flashes of life or white lights, or any other things of that sort! it was "WHAT AM I GOING TO DRIVE FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!!!" and i also didn't fail to pester the tow-truck driver with my concern, keep asking whether they can get it fixed within days instead of weeks or months.

but now, after a week or so of not driving. instead sitting on the passenger seat of my housemate's car, or the many many taxis that i've splashed my hard-earned money on, i've started to look back out the car window. even though it's still behind the windshield, but i'm beginning to notice the things that i've failed to for all this time.

the way the houses and buildings seem to fly by as people brush across you as you try to focus on the one thing that stands out the most.

the way the trees seems to be swayed by the wind, as if the cars are driving pass too fast, and the leaves would be forming patterns of different shades under the reflection of sun light.

i hate to say this, but not being able to drive hadn't sucked as much as i expected it to.

i'm now seeing the things that i might have lose sight of all these years. and i shall continue to do so, having a reunion with everything i've missed, sitting still in the passenger seat and enjoying the nice view outside.

anybody

hearts are fluttered, heads are turned
as I rammed him from behind
world pauses and time fluctuated into mere moments
flashes across, my eyes saw nobody
as my chest pressed tightly upon
nobody...

life looses its pulse as mine fades away
lying battered on a familiar bed
I sigh at the thought of seeing nobody
when all I could think about is you
treading around in a dream that's too small
but nobody?

looking out of a window of spring
as the last leaf sways from a baron tree
histing at my reluctance to see clearly
that beneath the lushes green over a field of hearts
mine shall beat harder and harder for nobody
nobody but you.

the turning point

I am sick. I am dying. I don't have much time left.

easy phrases, sounds dramatic, but isn't it true for everyone?


I just really need to change. i'm tired of living my remaining days for others, its time i do things that i've always wanted to do. starting from today. i aim to please no one but myself. i aim to be no one but myself. i aim to do things differently and turn over a new leaf.

wait, forget bout the fucking leaf... i'm buying an entirely new god damn book!

so this is me. happy, and alone.

go on

keep on walking.

cause when you turn around, looking for me.

i won't be there anymore.

ain't leaving on a jet plane, ain't moving on to the next destination.

it's just a heart that grew cold, can no longer be ignited by any flame.

thoughts...

something's gotten into me for the past few days. can't seem to phrase myself properly or willfully.

can't seem to convey what i want to, but seem to utter(spatter) out entirely different things.

my mind seems to not be with me anymore.

how can that be? all this while i thought its supposed to be an attached part. but then, people don't say 'lose my mind' for no good reason do they?

i don't think about you as much anymore. not every minute of the day. its less frequent now.

but you in my thoughts, why can't you just leave me alone, walk out of my head and close the door behind you.

i hate the fact that when i'm with others, all i could think of was you.

its unfair to them, unfair to me, and unfair to you.

as i shall refrain myself from doing so.

but for one last moment, of long sleepless night, i shall indulge myself, in thinking of you...

a view

another one of those not-so-good day. was feverish the whole day, felt completely worn out as life carries on itself.

'you can pull through, its a breeze.' had become a mantra that i chant to myself repeatedly at times as such. even when i loose focus of the main points of all these, and the ultimate end that awaits.

'why do you push yourself to do all these? when you know that in the end it won't make any difference?' as pessimism question the self while spinning the steering wheel.

'its not about creating differences or altering what's bound to happen. it's not! it's about making things better, making others see that things can be better before all hope is lost....'

'whatever!' pessimism sneered as i swiped another corner.

give me more time.

**********************************************************

was walking in Atrea when saw a familiar face sitting in a restaurant, chatting away with friends. keep on walking as uncertainty reeks. as i walked on, a voice called out to me. i turned around and got a big warm embrace, tight with the warmth that can vibrate out all the solemness in anyone.

it was her. we chatted briefly and i learnt that she's all grown up and now working hard to strive for her dreams.
'Teacher'. its a name that i haven't been called for a fairly long time. I miss it, so much.

*********************************************************

was driving home, after meeting up with a friend and catching up on each others lives. suddenly don't feel like returning to that empty room where coldness echoes and lonesomeness lingers.

instead of a U turn, i keep on going. drove on, through the horrendous traffic and nerve-breaking jam of an inwardly dead city.

it was almost dark when i reached the place. sky was a mellow mauve as i stare at the lights beneath, that flickered one after another.

my thoughts flew, to the grape flavoured candy that was placed on my desk yesterday. i thought i'm over that, grew out of that. but still, nightmare haunts. the helplessness unwrapped and fear consumes. i wish, i wish for a delete button.

Isn't so?

Even if
I sit here silent
It’s louder than you’d imagined
The feelings that can't be annunciated
The way that happiness tingles when you’re around
While I indulge my thoughts in pictures of hands gripping tight
But a noxious way of loving this teetering thin line
When in your thoughts I’m invisible
Mere another amongst the rest
A dwelling soul
Even so

Void

when feelings don't reciprocate. what would you do.

would you keep telling yourself to rise above, and be 'omni-container', take in everything and cherish what you can?
but what if this container is not heat resistant, not alcohol tolerant, not heartache insusceptible?
what if each moment of containing, taking things in, makes you feel even emptier inside. makes the void in heart grow, expand as you lie awake but not functioning.
how would it make you feel if u spent every moment of the day, even when you're with others, wondering what that person is doing, and how their day is?
FOOLISH! STUBBORN FOOL! that's all you are. you should not be so anymore. do anything you can to not be so! escape if you must!
there's not much faith left for you to be drying out. the warmth on the pillow is running out.
you know what your heart wants. just because you can't word them does not mean that you're uncertain of it.

so what? what are you doing, stalling, straddling along a fence that has not opening end, nor a line that will ever be erased.

go. go when its time to go. you know that its time, and its not enough to just keep repeating that to yourself over and over each day.
actions. actions, they speak louder than words, mere thoughts.
take your heart off the platter. tie a ribbon around it, and hang it around your neck, across where it should be. it belongs to you, don't leave it out in the rain and under the glaring sun.

so ON YOUR MARK! GET SET! GO!

开始懂了Kai-Shi-Dong-Ler(beginning to realize)

i'm listening to Stephanie Sun again. gosh... thats a sign that i'm not right somewhere, somehow again.
just spent the entire nite vomiting out every single thing i eaten today, that makes a plate of fried noodle, and some scrambled eggs. still feel like vomiting, but there's nothing else to vomit. i hate vomiting, always had always will. could this please be the last and only time i have to?
i hope i will stay healthy longer.

blogger's nice to me tonight, maybe its taking pity in my pain. can't seem to get any shuteye, uneasiness.

am trying to be more appreciative of each day. each day is priceless. each person i get to meet every hour of the day is priceless.

fun, fun is something i want to experience while i still can. before everything degenerates and loose control.

love, love is something i want to show and emphasize more. they won't know it unless you say it, so say 'I love you' more often.

pain, pain is something i will eventually get used to. get used to it already!

a letter to you

Dear you,

I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking and waiting for possibilities.
You told me not to expect anything from this friendship, but its really hard for me to do so when you treat me the way that you do. i tried to overlook this feeling, but it builts up and takes over my rationale and all logic.

call me a sucker for nice-ness, i don't care, just please treat me like crap.

I thank you for helping me find my old self again, the one that i've been hoping to be reunited with for such a long time. I am grateful for that, I really am.
but the old me, he falls easily, and he gets hurt easily. he's optimistic and this may be the opposite of what you need to survive in our world today.

so you, if you are just going to dig him up, and let him fall prey to the vicious vultures that awaits salivating, then please stop.

dear you, saying gudnt my fren would not provide me with a great peaceful night of sweet dreams. stresssing on how nice and kind i am, will not make a difference in how disappointed i am in certain things and people. neither would doing a vanishing act when i really need someone to talk to, to share my grief on the sadness of the world.

you, you told me about the world. you make me look forward to the world. but am i merely a medium for you to channel your frustrated wisdom? or am i a little brother that you genuinely care for and hope to set apart from the rest?

dear you, you say you are still pining for that person. you ask me whether its silly for you to wake up every morning missing someone's face. i blabbered, as always. when all i really wanted to say was that, i wish that someone was me.

you, and only you, I am not meant for things like this. as you've said, i deserve someone who love and treat me as good if not more than the person I am. so you, I am turning away. I am giving this, what ever it is that we have between us away.

you, i am pulling myself away. i need to pull myself away while its still fully attached.
I care about you and i really hope that i can be there to ensure that you will be okay. but honestly my heart can't afford to let me do so.

so this is me saying a slow goodbye. (add waving gesture)

goodbye you. i wish you all the best and hope you will be granted your heart desire, even if that desire will never be me.

With all my....(tick whichever relevant)
Love
Friendship

His empty cup and my untouched drinks.

I just spent the last two hours spilling my guts out to a stranger.
we sat opposite each other, me a nervous wreck and him comfortable in his black shirt and jeans.
somehow, something he said left a deep impression in me: "you are not superman, you can't save everyone."

is that what i've been trying to do all this time?
or am i merely trying to save myself from the heartbreak of seeing people around me fall apart.

well, either way, he's right. and what he said made me realized a few things that i haven't been able to see all this while.

I am not a good person, never thought i was one, never think i could be one. but i'm not a bad person either.

i'm just a person, out of the many many persons trying to lead their live. scrapping my way through the many aspects of live, forming bonds and leaving impressions or impacts on each other.
what kind of impact or impression, is up to the reverse interpretation of the company.

but tonight, i became a person who likes neither coffee nor tea, and a person with too much baggage to put down.

i hate being that person. i really do.

depression: choice or a state of mind?

Depression.
a very common word that we would often hear, at least on a weekly basis.
but lately, its been in my day to day vocab context.
not to worry, i'm not gonna go ahead and write a 7000 words post on how depressed i am.
instead, i'm going to talk about the state of depression, generally.

to begin with, according to the Medical Encyclopedia, it can be defined as a medical illness in which a perso has the feeling of sadness, discouragement, and a lack of self-worth. the main causes for this specific form of illness can be:

• Changes within the family
• Chronic pain and illness
• Difficulty getting around
• Frustration with memory loss
• Loss of a spouse or close friend
• Trouble adapting to a life change such as moving from a home to a retirement facility

okay, enough with the book stuff. lets talk about the public's perception of this topic. overall, depression is viewed as equivalent to mental illnesses, a.k.a craziness. when a person shows the symptoms of going through depression, or merely a rough patch, people surrounding him or her would immediately jump to the conclusion that this particular person has lost or is loosing his or her sanity. the instant reaction that follows this conclusion(assumption) would be to keep a certain distance from this person and go around informing everyone to do exactly the same thing.

now come the 54 thousand dollar question: Is this the right thing to do?

well, i am confirmative that many would defend their actions by claiming that this is for the sake of both party, the depressed individual and themselves. some would even go to the extend of outlining proofs or evidence that support their actions, such as 'we lack the medical practice to handle such people, hence we might worsen their condition' or 'we might end up being the next columbine or virginia tech'. truth to be told, we cannot put the full blame on these people wanting to clean their own asses. selfishness is after all one of the natural attributes that had escaped the Pandora's box.

but if everyone shares the same attitude, mindset and prejudice towards these people, where does that leave us? and most importantly, where does that leave them? most of us would fail to see that the symptoms, or the ways the depressed express themselves are already a cry for help. would we let a drowning person sink, or would we dive into the spine-chilling water to drag them onto shore, or should we at least throw them a life-jackett?

yes, i agree that some of us may not know how to swim or even float ourselves. but should that prevent us from at least running around screaming for help?

so, no, we cannot turn a blind eye on these people. these people who are reaching out for help, yearning for the slightest hint of attention from others. because if we do, we might want to refrain ourselves from reading tomorrow's headlines. I know i would.

Questions?

Would you want my heart
If I told you it was broken
Deeply wounded and stiched all over
Void of touch and tender joy?

Would you touch my cheeks
If you can feel my fear
Frozen by drips of dripple tears
Soaked by yearning for another?

Would you hold my hand
If it still carries the warmth of others
Dampened by kisses of yesterday
But now numb weeping in disgust?

Would you see my sorrow
If everyone else is blinded
By the upwardly curved lips
Not seeing the bleeding wounds underneath?

Would you not leave me
If you finally realize that I am flawed
By nothing but human nature
And a desire to love and be loved?

an update

I am.

that practically sums up how life's evolving for me hitherto.

not getting much, but loosing a lot. not going nowhere, reaching anywhere neither.

am surprise at how being alone isn't that hard outwardly, but immensely drowning inside.

appear alright but know that am burning from the coldness inside.

sigh, why am i so melancholic? wait a sec, i am melancholic(according to a personality test at least)

but no, i'm not giving in.

life has more to ofer, of that i am firm.

Its all about adapting, to change, physical, emotional, status, just life in general.

when it sucks, i must adapt to the suck-iness. thats the only way it would stop sucking.

so until i manage to do so,

keep it up! I can do it!

Momentarily Forever

I’ve heard of forever,
In a silent whisper flowing down the streams
As promises trickles down the veins of my heart
Surging waves of your dark hair flows in the summer wind
“There will be spring…”
My lips beam along the honey words
That will eventually be blown into the yellow field.

I’ve heard of forever,
In a staggering time of sonnets and melodic love
As I felt your arms caressing my spine
Moonlit pasture witnesses the kiss that sealed our future
“There will be passionate nights…”
My limbs shiver at your naked chin
That will eventually be caressing curves of another.

I’ve heard of forever,
In an enchanting palace of red roses and hopes
As you hold mine tightly in your hands
Sunlight add sparkles to your ever-after eyes
“The will be only happy endings…”
My thoughts dreaming of our own
That will eventually be cast as pages of a long long time ago.

I’ve heard of forever,
In that place where all souls are reunited and remain so
As you glance at me with that one final breath
Words no longer suffice the lingering,
Embracing warmth of us
My heart shall belong to none
None other than the one who promises me forever

Easiness Doesn't Come Easily

it wasn't easy.
words just don't cut it.
staring at my life falling into pieces,
feeling the numbness that beats at the next stroke.

it wasn't easy.
nobody ever said it was.
shaping the edges of pieces that won't fit,
cutting the string of tears that cease to cure my pain.

it wasn't easy.
as nothing can never start.
lying asleep as the wound expanded,
taking all of everything in and not over-flowing none.

it wasn't easy.
nothing ever was.
knowing that I'll drag my battered self through,
seeing that nothing can ever stop me....


from seeing the sunlight.

Summer Camp in Summerland

Photos i managed to capture before the camera went haywire...

Just die a little bit for me...

I pull myself out of the debris
of endless task and shattered dreams
to stare into a mirrored wall
seeing part of me that belongs to you
dies a little bit each day...

... I watch you cross the endless hall
eyes drained from neither wish nor hope
my thought follows across the picket of corpse
as you place yourself amongst boxes of ice
my soul dies a little bit along with you

I sit untamed by view that passes
drizzling hope replenishes all but me
sighing at the oddness of a yellow dot
amongst all umbrellas as black as death
pieces of me drift, washed away...

... There you sit head rested on blurry window
doleful eyes untainted by dark drizzles outside
i stand across underneath a yellow umbrella
as freezing rain melts my gaze into yours
my heart, it flies to wherever you are

It Breaks

I live,
I float,
I fix the pieces

You crawl,
You burn,
You break down in tears

He takes,
He steals,
He leaves you empty

She frown,
She scowl,
She makes you hate you

They come,
They go,
They take you away

We meet,
We part,
We shall never be...

Beloved Yee-mui

Don't look away
The uneasiness is mutual
I want you to see for once
That everyone dies from time to time

Don't say you're sad
Because its mere oblivion
Sitting over a cup of warm coffee
While others are crying over frozen corpses

Don't frown nor sulk
What might seem overly shadowing
Might shift and cast upon
Light that shines the way

Don't shed one tear
For drops are precious
As string of pearls
Clutches at a heart that loves


Just smile a lil' bit
And think for a while,
Not more than a while....

an early morning,

here i am, exhausted but can't seem to go back to sleep, early on a saturday morning. i'm not really certain for what reason, but it's as if my heart woken me up and my mind tells me to get up and get an early start of the day.
an early start? to be honest, i've never been the morning fresh air, neither the early bird kinda person. saturdays and sundays would usually be the only days when i can repay my sleeping debt and indulge myself in the 'art' of dozing off.
but now, here i am, just finished reading Yiyun-Li's A Thousand Years of Good Prayers(will most definitely re-read it!), and seems to run out of things to do. so decided to actually blog for once. i know, my post would usually be of lousy poems that seems incomprehensible,and those who actually bothers to read them must suffer from chain-yawning and rapid-blinking of drowsy eyes syndrome, but it just seems easier for me to express myself in stanzas rather than sentences.
my itunes is humming Damien Rice's 'Sleep, don't weep', but drops of moisture are falling onto my folded legs....
i can't really remember the last time i cried. i didn't even shed a tear when i received the sullen phone call from my mom last week. it felt awkward for me, not being able to feel and express grief when i was suppose to be flooded by it. but still.... i guess in a way, death doesn't really bothers me anymore. i think the last time i did really shed tears was during the four days i spend at home after the lunar new year. home, for numerous reasons, always makes me cry.
i remember stepping into the room my sister now share with her three children, it was the first time ever since they've shifted there. i was alone and the first thing i saw was big framed wedding photos.... then i saw the pile of books and paper mounting the study tables at the corner, the familiar pillows on the bed, and the rows of family portraits on sidetable. i was suddenly flooded by emotions and burst out in tears....
later time the same day, my sister drove me and the kids over to see brother Liang as it was the mid of the lunar month. as we walked into the cold mosaiced hall facing walls of small wooden stands with names engraved on them, my sister stood in front of us, her hands together, eyes closed, on her knees and lips whispered. my niece bended beside her and did the same thing. i knelt down & put my hands around my nephew, holding each of his tiny hands together, i told him to close his eyes. but they stayed open. "Papa..." he mumbled, as one of his hands broke free from mine and pointed towards a certain part of the wall. i felt a huge lump in my throat, but i held myself together.
then when my sister went downstairs to talk to the care takers of the place, i held my nephew in my arms and stood infront of the wall. my nephew just stared at it, long and hard, his eyes glistening as usual. words started to flow out of me as my whisper echoed in the cold hall. not my words, but merely the ones describing what i could see in the little boy's eyes. the same eyes that stared at me with thousands of questions as i held his then very tiny and shaken hands to sprinkle fresh dirt onto the casket a few months ago. tears were flooding the place, but couldn't seem to control myself anymore.


i guess emotions, sadness, it builds up. and without realising, my capacity for it had expanded.

If Only You'd Follow

I walk for days
Touching the wind that flies by
Counting the clouds that drift over
Pulling a feeling that grows bitter
A luggage filled by nothing but photographs
As it gets heavier by the steps
Every single piece is a part of me
That I have to discard in order to move ahead
Every single piece contains the you that I remember
That I miss every single step of the way
Tugging at my heart string
I take them out one by one
Shred them into fragments
Into a trail that would lead you to me
A trails that follows me through this long winding road
As you pick every bit of our memory
Collecting parts and parcels that makes us whole
For every single piece of them
Reminds you that I had left
Leaving behind the feelings I thought we'd shared
Turning away from every frame of portraits
That mark our every summer every spring
Leaving behind everything but a heart
That was carved into a tomb of ice
A tomb that I'm carrying along with me
I may have not seen the world as you
You failed to see the region of my heart
Fenced by a believe of red
Laid widespread around you for all this time
If only you’d noticed
If only you’d cared
As I journey into the winters alone
Counting autumn leaves in my shattered dreams
Waiting for you to come and find me here
To bring me back to our home again
Alas the season failed to change
I build my own rainbow out of snow
And spray every colour in my blood
To paint a final picture of joy
To leave a final picture of hope

So please hasten your pace and track me up
Before my last rainbow melts and disappear
Leaving behind but a puddle of wasted heart
Cluttered by nothing but footsteps of yesterday.

grief exit

The news broke
Quiet silence of a Sunday morning
Deafen me by numbness
Of a feeling yet too familiar
You left, even though I though you never would
Phone rang and tears overflow
But not mine, no longer mine

Since when did
You cease to speak and I listen
Where did time tug away your smile
As I look at you and grinned, silly
We shared candies we shared jokes
All buried as you decided to forget
As I decided to hate and move on

I blame none
No one but you for her death
Horrible horrible thoughts flash
As I whimper beside her casket
She loved me and you took her away
We mattered to her, not you
But you had to, you have to

I don’t see
Why this emotion is storming inside
Can’t apprehend the tears that well
As I work through my day
Like it was a beautiful weather
As you lie there stiff
My cold heart aches, and shatters again.

April 6, 2009 10:26 AM